STILL ON THE HOLIDAY MERRY-GO-ROUND!

My apologies for not posting as often as I had planned during this holiday season, but my own life got in the way of my writing.  Please accept my apology.  I'm writing as fast as I can.

So, we are knee deep in the holiday hoopla and it's probably really getting to alot of you, especially if you're grieving.  Here are a few more suggestions to add to those I've already written:

1.  Cry!  Even if it makes others uncomfortable during this "happy holiday" season, just explain (or not!) that you really need to cry right now, even if it is the holidays!  If this doesn't work for you, then just excuse yourself and go somewhere private where you feel safe to do so.

2.  You may derive comfort from holding on to personal possessions of the deceased, such as clothing, jewelry, blankets, toys, etc.  There is nothing wrong with this, no matter how much time has passed since the death! Do not let others tell you to dispose of these objects faster than you want to.

3.  Hang a stocking and fill it with notes from everyone who loved this person.  Someone can then read the memory notes out loud so that everyone can enjoy these special memories.  Save them from year to year.

4.  Start a holiday journal.  The holidays really are a special time to savor what's important to us, so now might be a good time to write down what you are thinking and feeling.  Each season, you can add to the journal, and look back at earlier entries to see what progress you have made toward healing.

5.  "Be still.....Take time out from the holiday hustle and bustle for stillness.  Still your body and your mind.  Find a comfortable spot to sit and don't move.  Turn off all distractions."  Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

6.  Pick and choose which events you really want to attend.  Don't get overwhelmed by trying to do as much as you did before the loss.  Being with others provides a great opportunity for you to be supported in your grief, to be able to talk, get hugs, or whatever else feels good to you, so you may want to say no to some, but say yes to others.

To summarize- BE GOOD TO YOU!  TAKE CARE OF YOU!

FIRSTS CAN BE TOUGH!

   Thanksgiving for my extended family this year is going to be different than ever before: 1) my sister is expecting 44 guests, which is stressful and chaotic enough (!) but, one by one, her kids and grandkids are coming down with the flu!  2) my parents will be by themselves for the very first time, because traveling is too taxing for them now.  Although they could care less (they say, "it's only one day, like New Year's Eve ), we, their kids, feel tremendous guilt;  3) I am hosting my ex-husband and his other family for the first time, so it should be an interesting experience for all;  4) one of my brothers is newly divorced, and is fortunate to be able to go to his daughter's house, out of town, but it will be weird and sad for him to be solo.  Lots of firsts for us.   Firsts can be very exciting and yet, they can also be very scary.  These are all examples of how loss does not only mean death, but the loss of how life used to be.  So many families will be experiencing "firsts," and not in a good way. They want to do things as they have always done them, but their situations and their lives have changed.  The familiar is now unfamiliar.  What traditions should they keep and which should they discard?  It can be so overwhelming.  How do people look forward when they can't help but look back and see what they've lost?  Why do the holidays seem to accentuate our losses?  Please stay tuned for my next blog.  In the meantime, try to have a joyous Thanksgiving, in the best way you know how.

THE HOLIDAYS- PART 2

As an avid people watcher, I actually like all the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  It's life out of the ordinary:  I see lots of grandparents visiting from out of town, kids are out of school, grocery store tables are stacked at the ends of the aisles with the traditional foods, so that you don't have to go around looking for every item yourself,  people are actually consulting grocery lists, even on their cell phones (especially men, who are calling their other halves, while standing in an aisle, to ask, "which one do I get?" This always brings a smile to my face!), gyms are half full, while retail stores are fuller, etc.  It's an interesting phenomenon every year, isn't it?  On the other hand, there are lots of  people, who are anything but merry.  They are trying to "pull it all off" in time, or even trying to pull it all off at all, because they are hurting or grieving.  You have to look really hard to see these people, because they usually have their "normal" masks on to blend in with everyone and everything.  They don't want to stand out, but, inside, they may be silently screaming or crying, saying, "Life isn't fair!"  The holidays are now dreaded and feared, whereas they used to be looked forward to with anticipation.  A wife or husband may now be a widow or widower; a parent may be a bereaved parent, a child who had a sibling may now be an only child- they are different, their world is different and the way society responds to them is different.  They may be asking themselves, "How can the world still be so jovial and full of light when the light in MY world has gone out?"  I remember this exact thing happening to me many, many years ago.  My husband was terribly hurt by a drunk driver, we were in a strange city, where we knew no one, and it was this time of year.  My two small children and I left the hospital and were in a state of shock.  At the hotel, there were Christmas carolers, brightly colored Christmas trees, and frivolity. What had just happened?  What do we do?  Will he be OK?  I can still see the scene of the carolers as if it was yesterday and still remember thinking, "How can this be?  How can all this happiness be all around us, when we've just had our world turn upside down?" Thank goodness for us, he came out of this 100%, but that's not to say that the scars, both physical and emotional, ever completely go away. My advice to anyone reading this is just be aware that not everyone is happy right now.  Open your hearts and minds to those who are in terrible pain.  Give them a long embrace, drop them a note or an email, call to check in- just relay to them, in one way or another, that you are thinking of them and that you care..........as busy as you might be, celebrating.

FROM THANKSGIVING TO CHRISTMAS- HELP!!

Holidays can be tricky.  They conjur up memories and traditions from our childhoods- our families-of-origin- as well as memories and traditions we initiated in the families that we created ourselves, with our children and grandchildren.  Each person's journey has been unique and when trying to combine everyone's unique journey to make it one incredible journey, pleasing to all, well, that's a tall order to fill and one ripe with unrealistic expectations and disappointments!  So, here, the first of many columns to follow, are a few pointers to help both grievers and non-grievers not only get through the holidays, but actually enjoy them!
1.  If you are experiencing sadness and loss, acknowledge those feelings, but also be open to the possibilities that you can and will enjoy moments of happiness during this time.
2. If you had a recent death, you may just be trying to survive.  That's OK.  Instead of trying to do things as you always have, you could still do something, only on a much simpler scale.  Set aside traditions that are too taxing for you, and just keep one or two that are most important to you and your family.
3. "A wonderful thing about the holidays is that they encourage us to remember those we love." (Alan Wolfelt)  Even though it may hurt to remember, it makes our loved ones live on when we actively remember them.  Talk about them.  Bring up their names.  Laugh and tell funny stories about them.  Then, they will never really be gone.
4.  Give yourself permission to be different from the person you were before the loss, because you are.  Maybe you used to love the holidays and now you dread them.  Acknowledge the fact that things have changed. In the future, you will be able to also see the positive changes that have occurred in both you and your life, but take one step at a time.
5. Friends and family may want to reach out and help you at this time, but they are not sure how to do so.  Try to be honest and tell them what you want or need at this time.  If you don't want to do some of the things that you did before, tell them that it's too painful for you at this time.  Try to come up with something else, or allow others to suggest some alternatives.  In this way, you will be taking a proactive role in helping others to help you.
6.  Try not to be alone during the holidays.  More than ever, you need the love and support of those who really care about you.  By isolating yourself, you are setting yourself up for loneliness and depression.
These pointers are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dealing with holiday grief.  I have so many more!!  Please check back often, as my next few blogs will all be discussing this topic.  And if you are not a griever, but care about people who are grieving, these will help you be a better support system for them, not only through the holidays but always.

BIRTHDAYS AREN'T DREADED OVER HERE!

I was going to continue to blog about holidays and grief, but please allow me to digress this once to comment on my birthday, yesterday.  I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!!!  I told my son that I feel like I am alive at my own funeral!  He didn't much care for the analogy, but he totally understood, considering my life work.  Ha!  I mean, really, I think I spent the entire day, either on the phone, or on Facebook, reading all the birthday wishes or receiving texts or opening cards, (that had arrived earlier in the week, but I wouldn't allow myself to open them until THE day!)  Wanna know the best part?  I stayed in my PJ's the entire day!!  I love Sundays like that, birthday or not!  I have learned not to apologize or to feel guilty for enjoying such carefree days.  As much as I love the feeling of accomplishing something, I also love the feeling of staying present, not rushing to get somewhere else, while totally missing out on the here and now.  Being here, at home, surrounded by loved ones, not necessarily in the flesh but in spirit because of modern technology........that, to me, is what life is REALLY all about! NOTHING is more important than relishing the love, basking in it, bathing in it, smothering myself in it!  In fact, when everything died down and the phone stopped ringing in the evening, it was so quiet!  Too quiet!!  Where did everyone go?  Back to their lives, of course.  But me?  I was so much different from the person I was when I awoke that morning, because I knew more than ever before, how loved I am!   And yes, I'm older.  But my goodness gracious, I will gladly pay that price to learn that so many people are happy that I was born!  When I receive words such as these from my son, who wrote, "You are the greatest Mom in the history of the world!" (I haven't even received his gift and card yet, so this is only a small sample of what is surely to come, just from past experience!) and from my daughter, who wrote in a book she bought me, called, LOVE LIFE: "You are unique, exuberant and a breath of air, a ray of sun.  You love life, you live life and you are SO important to my life, " or from her sweet husband, "You exemplify loving life.  And you have given that gift to your children," and cards and written words that brought tears to my eyes from my siblings and parents...........well, do I mind getting older?  Not if it means I can have another year, and another and another and another, hopefully, to be embraced by friends and family!!  I'll take it!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON CAN BE TOUGH

As soon as the Halloween candy has been (literally) thrown into half- price bins at the stores and the shelves have been restocked with everything red and green, tension and stress come to the forefront.  With whom do we spend Thanksgiving?  His family?  Her family?  Both?  And in the case of divorce, things get twice as complicated!  No, actually 4 times as complicated, if EACH partner comes from a divorced family!  How much turkey and stuffing can one person eat, for heaven's sakes?!  By trying to please everyone and go to each house (if we are fortunate enough to have them all in the same city, which is not often the case) then we, ourselves, are overloaded, exhausted and STRESSED!  Those TV commercials of calm and laughter and/ or those Hallmark cards of one big happy family just seem to make us feel even worse, because aren't we supposed to be looking forward to spending time with our loved ones? Yes, but.............!!!
    This year is going to be a first for my family.  I am hosting Thanksgiving, as I always do, only this time, I am having my ex-husband, his wife and stepson!  Fortunately, he and I have remained on good terms since our divorce 10 years ago, but it took us 10 years to get to this place of celebrating a holiday together!  Our kids are thrilled, to say the least.  The amazing thing is that our partners aren't opposed to the idea and that's even better!  What would make the picture perfect would be if my partner's daughter, Jenny, would also be at the table with us, but her mother is hosting a big family hoopla and so Jenny will be with her.  No matter how hard we tried to have everyone, no matter how many different options we tried- changing the time, changing the day, come for dessert instead of dinner, etc.- we weren't able to make it perfect.  And that's the key to holiday planning, everyone:  don't try to make things perfect!!  Do the best you can, but don't make yourselves crazy with unrealistic expectations, because that will only bring disappointment and heartache.  One other thing that worked for us is that our kids are all old enough to include them in the discussions, so that they all felt a part of the decisions being made.  If you can, ask your kids what they would like and then come up with joint solutions that are a good compromise for everyone.  Explain to them that as much as we would like things to be perfect, or as much as we would like things to be the way they used to be, they cannot..... but that's not saying that they can't still be wonderful!!
  I will be writing my next few blogs on this topic of the holidays, and what a mixed bag they can be!  Please check in often to get some insight and suggestions on how you can still celebrate, although you may not be "feeling it."  In the meantime, remember rule #1- keep your expectations realistic!!

"APPRECIATE ME!"

As we all know, relationships, like grief, make for some wild roller coaster rides!  One day, we're up and feeling great about our partners and the next day, we want our other halves, not only out of the house, but off the planet!  It can be exhausting!  I came across a funny little story from one of my favorite books, FIGHT LESS, LOVE MORE by Laurie Puhn that will put a smile on your face, I hope.  A column on grief especially needs to have some humor every now and again!
"A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'  The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'  Anonymous.

LET'S STEP BACK A MINUTE

Lately, it seems as if I've been going to too many funerals and/or hearing about too many CONTEMPORARIES (middle agers) having serious illnessnesses and disabilities.  Of course, it's scary.  It reminds me of the child's game, musical chairs.  One by one, people are having to drop out of the game (of life) and one of these days, it will be my turn.  After all, death really IS just a matter of taking turns, isn't it?  For myself, working in the field of death and dying, I am only too aware of the shortness of life, but I actually love how it also keeps me aware, on a daily basis, of how valuable each and every moment is.
   And I guess this is why it really irritates me when I see people, especially HEALTHY people, squandering this valuable GIFT of time and obsessing over unimportant things, like having another birthday (one friend said of her 65th birthday that she didn't even want to acknowledge it!) or wishing our arms or legs weren't so flabby, etc.  I ran into an old acquaintance last weekend, close to my age, who was on a walker and I asked her what happened, thinking she had had a knee replacement or something).  She had had her leg amputated!!  I almost fell over from shock!  Talk about knocking me upside the head with a reality check!  I'm just as guilty as most of you and most of our society out there about wishing my aging body was youthful again- firm, tight, no cellulite, no flab, no wrinkles- but then I see so many wounded soldiers coming home as amputees, who WISH that they had arms or legs to get flabby, or I run into acquaintances who have immense physical challenges and I stop my whining........immediately!
  One of the most common mantras I hear when people get "bad news" is, "Boy!  That really put things in perspective.  Things that I thought were so important, just aren't anymore."  Come on, people!  Let's not wait for bad news to wake us up.  Let's set our own alarm clocks to jangle us awake everyday.  And I don't mean an alarm with soft music, either, because that will just become background noise and you'll fall back into your reverie of sweating the small stuff.  I suggest you get yourselves an alarm that blasts you awake, so that you CAN'T fall back to sleep!   As we approach this holiday season of gift giving, let's realize that we possess the most important gift of all:  life.

ADDENDUM

After publishing my last post and then re-reading it, I couldn't help but feel just plain AWFUL that it SOUNDED as if I was downplaying the loss of my daughter over my son!!!!  OMG!!!!!  My entire world would crash and burn if EITHER ONE of my kids died before I did!!!!  However, because of my recent encounters with 3 mothers who had lost their sons, that was the emphasis of the blog.  I just needed to set the record straight for my own peace of mind!!  I do hope that you all already knew that, but I just had to make sure of it!

TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

How eerie that in this past week, I spoke to two good friends, both of whom had lost their adult sons and I finished reading Elizabeth Edwards' book, called RESILIENCE, in which she, too, lost her 16 year old son.  I don't mind telling you this gives me an uneasy feeling, as my son, whose birthday is just around the corner, and I are unbelievably close and adore the living daylights out of each other!  If anything would happen to him (or to my daughter, too, but this is about sons), I don't know how I would go on living.  However, I somehow would, because I would take lessons from my friends and from the late Ms. Edwards.  They have shown me how everlasting the hurt is, how their days are often so full of pain and agony that they feel they are going insane, even years after the fact, but that life does go on, altho it is certainly not the life they wished they had.
Here is how Elizabeth Edwards describes her life without her son:
"Wishing will not return life to 'before.' 'Before' is forever gone.....This is the life we have now, and the only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when these landmines explode beneath your foundation, is first to accept that there is a new reality.  The life the army wife knew before her husband went to war, the life of the patient before the word 'terminal' was said aloud, the life of the mother who sat reading by her son's bed and not his grave, these lives no longer exist and the more we cling to the hope that these old lives might come back, the more we set ourselves up for unending discontent."
Let us all take a lesson from these grieving, yet so brave mothers. As one said to me, "I'm so happy that you and your son had such a good visit together, recently.  I really am.  It's great that you know to cherish every moment you have with him."  I truly do.  I hope that you do the same.

GRIEVING AN EX-SPOUSE

There is a loss known to grief professionals as "disenfranchised grief."  This is a grief that is not sanctioned by society; there is a stigma attached and therefore, societal support is either negligable or non-existent.  Examples of grievers who are not supported when a loss occurs would be: prison inmates (or their families), partners of gays or lesbians (altho fortunately, this is changing), women who have abortions and ex-spouses.
   Yesterday, I attended a funeral for the ex of a good friend of mine.  For many years, when my friend, J., (and I) were married, we spent alot of good times together as couples.  Unfortunately, we both divorced, (within two years of each other), but we both remained on good terms with our ex-spouses.  I think I have blogged about this topic before, altho I'm too lazy to look back and read what I wrote (!), but the dilemma came front and center again yesterday at this funeral.
   As I watched J. sitting next to her fiance, wiping away her tears near the coffin of her ex, I couldn't help but feel her pain.  We were both burying (literally) part of our past, over 30 years worth, I, as a friend, she, as an ex-wife. Not only that, but I couldn't help but think what it would be like if, G-d forbid!- I had to attend the funeral of MY ex.  There would be so many other factors entering into my situation:  my ex is remarried and I have been in a long term relationship, just to mention a few variables.  To be honest, I would be absolutely devastated if he died ahead of me, so how would that play out with the significant others we have welcomed into our lives since our divorce?  I can just see it now.  People in attendance would see me grief stricken and would think to themselves (or to others), "If she's so upset, why did they divorce in the first place?"
  This, my friends, is what disenfranchised grief is all about!  Tongues click and people judge.........when they have no right to do so!  Unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes, then, here's a heads up,  please keep your judgments and opinions to yourselves.  Better yet, don't even go there in the first place!  Don't pretend to know for whom each person is allowed to grieve.  Each and every relationship is personal and no matter how things appear on the outside, none of us has a clue as to what goes on in the inside......as well we shouldn't.  Grievers have enough to deal with.  Let's not burden them more with what we feel is appropriate or not.  We have no clue.

"i sad"

Some creative soul coined this phrase in a social forum today, in reaction to Steve Jobs' death.  Just perfect.  I heard of his death last night, just as I was going to bed and I was so incredibly sad.  Such a brilliant and creative mind is forever gone.  Born to an unwed mother, put up for adoption, a college dropout.......and yet, a genius.
And not just a genius in the obvious ways.  He was a genius in that he "dropped into" his own life (his words).  He left the path that others had laid out for him- college-and "followed his own heart, even when it led him off the well-worn path."  In 2005, he said these words as a college commencement speaker at Stanford:
"You've got to find what you love.  Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to love what you do.......Keep looking.......Don't settle."
The last topic he addressed had to do with death.  At the time of this speech, about six years ago, he had been given a clean bill of health after pancreatic surgery, but because he had had such a close call, he had this to say:  "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, 'if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today'?  And whenever the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."   Then he went on to say, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."
   So, from someone who gave so much to the world, and who was clearly not finished when he had to reluctantly leave the stage, let's take his words to heart and vow not to have to leave the stage of our own lives, without living our lives as we truly wanted.  "Stay hungry; stay foolish."

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A GRIEVER

If truth be told, I could write a year's worth of blogs, concerning this single topic of what NOT to say to a griever.  Because we live in such a death denying society, no one wants to actually learn what to say, because that would bring the topic of death out in the open!  So, when someone we know has suffered from a major loss, the first, and most common, statement said is, "I don't know what to say to him/her."  Well, here's something to remember, that will help you in these situations, from the lips of Elizabeth Edwards, after the death of her 16 year old son:
"So many people, thinking they were taking care of me, asked if I was over Wade's death yet.  I will never be 'over' it, I would tell them, and they would look back at me blankly.  If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was 'over' it.  They would ask how I was doing learning to walk without my leg.  I was learning to walk and to breathe and to live without Wade."

THE RED DRESS by Dorothy Parker

Our childhood dreams don't always come true, unfortunately.
"I always saw, I always said
If I were grown and free,
I'd have a gown of reddest red
As fine as you could see,
To wear out walking, sleek and slow,
Upon a summer day
And there'd be one to see me so
And flip the world away.
And he would be a gallant one,
With stars behind his eyes,
And hair like metal in the sun,
And lips too warm for lies.
I always saw us, gay and good,
High honored in the town.
Now I am grown to womanhood........
I have the silly gown."

DREAM!

"If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?"
Dan Zadra.
"Your imagination is the preview to life's coming attractions."
Albert Einstein

TAKE TIME FOR SPONTANEITY

"We get so busy making a living that we forget to live."  (That's my favorite part!)  But then Dan Zadra goes on to say, "At what point did you lose the right to do something in your day just because you feel like it at the moment-just because you're alive?"

TAKE TIME TO BE YOURSELF!

I've never been a trend follower.  Ever!  But my mother was.  The sentence I most remember her using on me throughout my life was:  "This is what they're wearing now."  And I would always counter with one of two responses:  "Who is 'they'?" and /or "Who cares??"  (There's a reason that I am the sibling with the label, "rebel!")  But really, I wasn't trying to be a rebel, but rather just true to myself.  Why would I want to look like everyone else??  So, when I found this quote in a new book of mine, I just had to use one of its' quotes from an unknown author:
" Embrace your uniqueness.  Time is much too short to be living someone else's life."

A LOUD VOICE IS SILENCED

Roger Ebert, a well-known vocal movie critic, has lost his ability to speak due to thyroid and salivary gland cancer.  Because his jaw had to be removed, he has been permanently disfigured.  For one who made his living speaking and being in the public eye, it has to have been devastating.  However, he's definitely made lemonade out of lemons.  With modern technology, he can still do what he loves to do.  When being interviewed recently on TV, he had this to say about his disability:  "It's a waste of time feeling sorry for yourself, because it doesn't change anything or help anything.  You just have to keep on, keeping on."

AN AWESOME TATTOO!

Kevin, a young man now, who was just a boy when his father was killed in 9/11, had this inscription tattooed on himself and it was so beautifully inscripted:  "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

September 11 - 10 years later

As we come up to the anniversary of that fateful day, I have been reading lots of personal accounts of fellow Texans, who had first hand experiences with the horror of Sept. 11.  This first quote is from Christopher Wynn, who was living in NYC at the time, but moved back to Texas a year later to be near family:
"I'm grateful for what I gleaned from tragedy:  Love the people in your life, because the world is temporary.  On the most quiet, unassuming and clear-sky morning, everything around you can change in an instant."
The second one comes from a Katie Nelson, who was a high school senior in 2001.  The year before, she had spent the fall studying in NYC with an urban studies program.  She took a photo with her classmates then at the top of WTC on Sept. 12, 2000, "looking at everything we had experienced over the last semester."  A friend's father was on board the plane that crashed into the north tower.  She says now, "At first I wished that we could just go back to our old way of life.  A life which we lived in blissful ignorance in a world in which our buildings didn't come crashing down on top of us."
And finally, this from firefighter, Allen Richards, who, after 9-11, was intent on getting further training in public safety with an emphasis on emergency management.  He trains paramedics in the field and quotes Dr. Red Duke of Houston: "EMS does not save lives.  G-d does.  It's our job to keep our patients entertained till he makes up his mind."  He also tells his students that they can't change the bad things that people do, but they can be prepared to react."
September 11, 2001 changed us all........ hopefully for the better.

THE FLIP SIDE OF LOVE

I'm a people watcher.  Actually, I study people more than merely watch them.  One thing I love studying is the cycle of love. Watch couples as they fall in love and can't keep their eyes, or hands, off each other......their eyes lock with one another, they lean in, so as to capture every little word the other is saying.....they giggle at inside jokes, etc. Pretty awesome!  Next level: engagement.  The man gets the spotlight on him, albeit INDIRECTLY, for a brief shining moment with:  "How did he propose?  Did he get down on one knee?  Let me see the ring!"  Then, all too quickly, the light dims on him and shines brightly on his fiance. Just moving up from "girlfriend" to "fiance" is HUGE! From every direction, come hundreds of questions and concerns about the upcoming wedding.  The couple are still "stuck" on each other and look forward to their future with much anticipation, but the courtship takes a backseat to THE day!  The man may be "consulted" on (some) decisions, but he's not the head honcho anymore.  Next level: the big day.  Of course, all eyes are on the bride.  (I've always felt sorry for the groom on his wedding day, because just as is in ballroom dancing, he is there to be the frame for his bride, who is the picture).  He can't get his eyes, or his hands, off his new wife, for all the world to see.  A beautiful sight, indeed!  He tears up as he glimpses her in her wedding gown, slowly walking down the aisle.  They have never loved each other more than they do at this very moment!   They cannot wait to start their lives together!  They have so many hopes and dreams.  Next level: post wedding, post honeymoon, reality.  A happy couple- yes- but also a couple who are separate now.  No hanging on each other, as one.  In fact, at parties, the woman usually talks with the women and the man, with the men, often, not even in the same room.  They are definitely more relaxed with one another- comfort is a good thing- but sadly, that high intensity passion and yearning are not as obvious.  It's probably still there at home, but I'm talking about the public domain.  Things are different.  They're married!  OK.  Let's move on down the road, at least, 9 months down the road.  The focus changes dramatically again.  During the woman's pregnancy, the entire focus is on her.  She's the one with all the baby showers, the cute maternity clothes, the "glow!"  Once the baby is born, the focus is not only off the couple, but it's off her, as well!  Nine months of attention and poof!  It's gone!  Baby is #1!  No more gazing into each other's eyes, since neither one seems to be able to even keep their eyes open long enough to do so!  Sleep deprivation leads to temporary insanity!  Their new job is one for which neither one has had any experience or training, and yet, one for which they've signed up for life!  How to do it!  Where to begin? Is this poor little thing REALLY depending on US, who know nothing about anything????  HELP!!!
  What sparked this article was a family wedding I attended this past weekend.  I, the student, was back in the classroom of human behavior, my favorite place to be!  As I observed this young bride and groom exchanging vows, I couldn't help but hope that they always be as in love and attentive to one another as they were that wonderful summer night when they professed their love in front of all their family and friends.   Love and life, weddings and babies- happy, sad tears.

I'M BAAACK!!!!

Lo siento!!  My apologies for being gone for so long!  I will try and write on a more regular basis from now on.  The summer, somehow, got away from me!  Maybe I just melted away in this unbearable, never ending heat!  Whatever happened, I'm back and I hope that you are, too!
   I heard this wonderful quote on yesterday's news from the retiring Steve Jobs.  How sad that his health is forcing him to leave that which he invested his heart and soul for so long!  He gave this quote at a commencement address not too long ago:
"Remembering that we are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

LIVE LIFE!

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die.  Or when.  You can only decide how you're going to live.  Now."
Joan Baez

PEOPLE COME AND THEY GO

In the last week alone, I've had several experiences where people with whom I have had frequent contact over the last few years have gone to places unknown.  No, they didn't die.  They just left the places of employment where I always used to see them.  Maybe because these all happened within such a short span of time, I don't know, but their absences have affected me more than I would have ever imagined they would.  I feel a void that surprises even myself.  They were all only acquaintances, not even friends, but I saw them enough that I really enjoyed their company every time we came into contact with one another.  Here one minute and gone the next.  Isn't that how life is?  Of course it is, but that doesn't lessen this bit of emptiness I feel that I will never see these people again.  I wish them well, wherever their paths may lead them.

MENOPAUSE IS A DRAG, BUT THEN SO IS CANCER!

I think that I've been in menopause for 10 years now.  No kidding!  My grown son even asked me not long ago, "How long does this thing last?  You've been in it a long time!"  Yeah, and it's really getting old (or is that me getting old??)  I will admit that I've been very fortunate in that the main things I've had to contend with have been the night sweats, hot flashes and changing mid-section.  However, for one who has always been in control of how her body looked, by watching my diet and exercising all of my adult life, this last point has been the most difficult to contend with.  Menopause is controlling my body now, not me, and that's not cool.
   Interestingly, I've been reading this wonderful book, called BEAUTY PEARLS FOR CHEMO GIRLS, by Marybeth Maida and Debbie Kiederer (to check out their website, www.beautypearlsforchemogirls.com, click here) and they write about the exact same thing happening when women have to undergo chemotherapy.  They write, "  Through our style in hair and clothing and makeup, we project an essential element of our personal power- the way we want to be seen.  Imagine how hard it is when the cancer strikes, the treatment begins and the carefully cultivated look we've spent our lives developing, suddenly disintegrates."
   Obviously, undergoing chemo is so much worse than enduring menopause, but both entail loss, because both entail change.  Major changes.  I was thrilled when I saw put into words, what I had just been talking about to friends at the gym the other day!  What we project to the world is not vanity, but PERSONAL POWER, and when we lose some of that, it's unsettling.  But as women, we love to share, laugh and cry together and together, we will get through whatever life sends our way.
 

PEARLS OF WISDOM

"Remember the past, cherish the present, imagine the future."
Paul Tacori

CHANGING THE LANGUAGE OF GRIEF

I attended a local grief seminar a couple of months ago and Darcie Sims, a well known presenter in our field, offered us different ways of looking and speaking about grief, that I thought were quite interesting. It might take some effort to change how we normally talk about grief, but it will definitely be more effective and worth the effort.
1.  Instead of using the word, "denial," why not use the word, "postponement?"  Denial imposes judgment, whereas postponement means you're just not ready to deal with it yet.
2. "Acceptance" is a difficult term for any griever.  "Acknowledge" might be easier and more honest.
3. Instead of saying, "We lost him/her," just come right out and say, "He/she died."  It's more to the point and has less a feeling of hopelessness about it.
4. A griever doesn't really "recover."  He/she "heals."
5. Have you ever heard people ask grievers, "When do you think you'll be over it?"  We NEVER get over it!  We "get through" it and move on.
6. As I stated in an earlier column, you close on a house, not on a death.  Instead of the word, "closure," try thinking "reconnection."  Reconnect with life.

NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU "THERE'S NO HOPE!"

You or a loved one might get a horrible diagnosis or be told, after months of treatment, "There's no hope."  If this is the case, change doctors!  Some docs might be skilled with their hands, or be highly intelligent, but if they lack compassion and sensitivity, especially at such a difficult time in your life, then it's important, both physically and psychologically, that you find one that knows how to offer you hope in some small way.
   Deirdre Felton wrote an excellent article in one of my professional magazines on this very topic:  "The most important element [in talking to people at a difficult time in their lives] is to give someone the gift of hope.  There are all kinds: hope for a cure, hope for remission and if that's not in the cards, there is hope that we can take care of your pain. There is hope that relationships can be healed.  There is hope that when the time comes, you will have people around you who will care for you with dignity and compassion."  Surround yourself with people who believe in the power of hope.  Don't let anyone take that power away from you!

WHEN IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO APOLOGIZE

I am a huge believer in people saying, "I'm sorry."  Admitting that we did something wrong or hurtful or any of a number of other scenarios equalizes the playing field.  I love how it makes us all human, imperfect, having faults (and admitting to them), and more importantly, HUMBLE!  However, the one time I truly wish people would NOT say they're sorry is when crying in front of others!  It's like we are embarrassed.... that we are embarrassing ourselves...... and/or embarrassing our audience, however large or small.......so we apologize!!!  I've been watching alot of the tornado coverage on TV from Joplin and my heart just breaks for all the losses, primary and secondary, not to mention the massive devastation all around.  Where once these Midwesterners were just living their normal lives, going to Wal-Mart or to their high school graduation, among other things, now, there IS no Wal-Mart and there IS no high school!  When the survivors tell their stories to the newscasters, the survivors are in shock and absolutely overwhelmed; yet, when they cry (quiet) tears, we hear them apologize to the interviewers and to us, the audience.  "I'm sorry," they say as they try to hide or wipe away their tears.   Sorry???  Your lives have just been turned upside down, both literally and figuratively, and you are apologizing to US for your tears of heartache and sadness, loss and grief?  Please, people, don't apologize and don't be embarrassed for being human!!  The next time YOU start to say, "I'm sorry," when your tears fall down your face, catch yourself.   No words need be spoken.  Your tears say it all.

WHAT WILL YOU LEAVE ON YOUR HEADSTONE?

Have you even thought what you would like your headstone to say about you, other than the date you were born and the date you died?  If you want it to reflect your personality, you could copy what some others have already used on theirs:  "Gone to Wal-Mart," or from a man who had had 2 wives:  "Bury me between {Mary} and {Susan}, but closer to {Susan}!  I've already told my kids what I would like my headstone to say, although I keep changing my mind, so who knows what they'll end up with!  ha!  On a more serious note, here is what a headstone in Ireland says, "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

OPRAH'S FAVORITE GUEST

Oprah is winding down her show of 25 years and what a successful run she's had!  These last few weeks, she has been remembering lots of past guests, some of which are deceased now.  One of her, and my, favorites was an 11 year old boy, named Mattie (Matthew) Stepanak.  What an inspiring young man he was- so spiritual and wise, waaaaaay beyond his years.  He was born with a rare form of muscular dystrophy, which his mother and all 3 of his siblings also had, but he was the only sibling who survived this long. He was wheelchair bound, hooked up to oxygen and all kinds of gear, but never, NEVER was he without a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes.  Oprah referred to him as a poet and peacemaker, because he wrote such beautiful thoughts and poems.  On one of his last appearances on Oprah, March, 2002, he said this:  "I'm always careful to see my glass half full, because if I see my glass half empty, with no hope at all, it may as well be empty all the way."  Little Mattie made it to his 13th birthday, but unfortunately, that was his last.  When Oprah asked Mattie's mother last week, 9 years after Mattie had died, what his last words were, his mother, also wheelchair bound and hooked up to breathing paraphernalia, replied:  "24 hours before he died, he said, 'Choose to inhale.  Do not breathe simply to exist.' "  Let this be a lesson to us all, from a very wise, little man, who was even philosophizing on his deathbed!  I hope he is running with the angels.

WHY ARE WE SO JUDGMENTAL?

I wish I could remember where I read this, but even thought I don't, what I do remember reading from this book was this statement:  most of the conversations we have with one another involve judgments of one kind or another.  This isn't intentional, but it happens, nevertheless.
   It made me think of how especially judgmental we are when it comes to grief.  We think WE know how long others should grieve, for whom they should grieve and how they should grieve.  We even try to compare our losses with one another:  "My aunt died, but her child died," or "My  dad died.  How dare she compare her parents' divorce to that!"
  We MUST stop doing this to those we love!  Every grief is unique to each and every individual.  We have no idea what that person meant to him/her who is grieving, we do not know the in's and out's of their relationship and we certainly don't have the same personality and coping skills as the one who is grieving.  Let's cut everyone a little slack. The next time you begin to judge, either internally or externally, pause, reflect and try to replace "shoot from the hip" judgments with  well thought out statements of tolerance and compassion.

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

"Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today."  James Dean

TWO AS ONE

"Joy and sorrow are inseparable.....together they come, and when one sits alone with you.....remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."
Kahlil Gibran

RAINBOWS

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear."  Anonymous

HUMAN TOUCH

"We touch children when they are hurt, we give them hugs and kiss them when they cry, but we don't do it for adults."  Mitch Finley

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND

Sometimes, when we see older people, well, we don't REALLY see them.  If we're walking behind them, we speed past, fast, because they are holding us up with their slow and unsteady gait.  Or we grumble that they are taking too long to pay for their groceries if they are in front of us in line or any other number of instances.  I had an experience today that just broke my heart, because I witnessed a 95 year old woman (with dementia) being treated so abusively by her grown daughter.  The daughter even said, "People weren't meant to live this long!"  She pushed on her mother's face, as she tried to straighten her mother's leaning posture.  I was appalled!  The saddest part of the whole thing was looking at pictures of the elderly lady when she was young and vibrant.  OMG!!!  She was a stunner!!!  And a poet to boot, with a Ph.D!!  So, my plea here is that when you see an elderly person, male or female, who is only a shadow of his/her former self, please know that, once upon a time, he/she was young, vibrant, beautiful and/or handsome and, most likely, contributed to society in one way or another. A special mention of our vets, who are often cast aside as old men.  We've all seen photos of soldiers in uniform, so young and eager to fight for our freedoms, so proud.  And we were just as proud of them for doing so.  Well, we are now the future generations they were fighting for.  And they?  They are old, hard of hearing, several inches shorter, memories dimmed, health issues galore, but inside, they are still those young soldiers they were so many years ago.  Don't they still deserve the dignity and pride as old men that we gave them when they were young?  Remember this:  the elderly were once young.......and we, if we're lucky, will one day be elderly.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR

I was watching the biography channel the other day, where they had a 2 hour tribute to Elizabeth Taylor.  I had no idea she had suffered so many tragic losses!  She lost so many of her co-stars, with whom she was very close, either tragically or too soon:  Montgomery Clift, Roddy McDowell, James Dean, Rock Hudson, Paul Newman, Eddie Fisher and, of course, Richard Burton.  Her third husband, with whom she was madly in love and had had a new baby, died tragically in a plane crash (in which she was invited to go with, but was ill and didn't go).  Then, there was her good friend, Michael Jackson, with whom she felt a kindred spirit, since they were both child stars and weren't able to enjoy normal childhoods.  At one point, she even questioned why she was still here, when so many of the people she had loved, had died.  Interestingly, we were never witness to her grief.  We WERE witness to her prescription drug and alcohol addictions and her many physical ailments, tho, weren't we?  She just had to be dying inside, piece by piece.  I admire her so much more now, for her fighting spirit to keep on keeping on, staying active in mind and spirit, despite the numerous and devastating heartaches she endured.  May she rest in peace.

LISTENING DOESN'T COME NATURALLY

Most of us think that we know how to listen.......but honestly, it's a learned science.  Why?  Because it's difficult to listen without judging, trying to fix, rescuing, advising or criticizing.  Try it. Watch how fast you want to do one of the above, usually without even thinking.  What's difficult but so much more effective is to listen to not only what people are saying, but what they are not saying.  We need to listen not only with our ears, but with our eyes and our hearts.  Try to suspend that internal conversation you are having of what you are going to say next and just pause.  "Pausing is just like putting the clutch in when you are driving a car with a stick shift:  it lets you slow down just enough to engage the gears before you speed up."  Nance Guilmartin

THINGS HAVE CHANGED BUT FOR THE BETTER?

Prior to WWII, 80% of people died at home.  Today, that figure is almost totally reversed, with most people dying in hospitals.  The "medicalization" of death came in the 1940's, after the discovery of penicillin.  Before that, most people were familiar with death before the age of 25.  In other words, because family members died at home, other family members experienced death up close and personal.  Now, the medicalization of death has led to avoidance of death.  Death is "sanitized" behind curtains in hospitals and we turn over alot of the decision making to doctors, leaving family members very confused, tense, anxious and in denial.  If possible, seriously look into having your loved ones die at home, in their familiar surroundings, in a very sacred space created by family members and friends.
Hanno Kirk

MEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY

I have often heard women say, when they and their husbands or mates are grieving, "My husband wants sex!  How can he even be thinking about sex at a time like this??"  Well, ladies, they really aren't thinking about "sex" as such.  Guys may want more sex when grieving, because that is the only way, or. at least, the safest way, for them to feel vulnerable.  This is so very important and yet,  it is so misunderstood.

CARING FOR AGING PARENTS

"We hear so much about the role reversal that comes with caring for an aging parent, and let me give it to you straight- as a geriatrician I won't be a party to it.  By 'taking charge,' I don't mean infantalizing or demeaning someone you care about by making him or her the child without a voice in this process.......I assure you that in most cases getting your parent to accept the help he or she needs can be done in such a way that he or she runs the show to the greatest extent practical.  Rob an older person of his or her dignity, and you're ruining quality of life, not enhancing it."  TREAT ME, NOT MY AGE, by Mark Lachs, M.D.

TSUNAMIS AND EARTHQUAKES

Watching the horror unfold today in Japan and Hawaii, I beg of you who read this blog to: live each day, know what it is important and make those things a priority......now!!!  Do not wait another minute, another hour, another day.  Unfortunately, it's death and destruction that is often the best teacher, but oh, what a painful way to learn.  Love lives forever.  Give it and receive it as freely, as often and as much as you possibly can.  Life, as we know it, can end in a single millisecond!  My thoughts and prayers are with all those who lost their lives today, with their families and with those who are still missing.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU!

Isn't it interesting how we put so much stock into possessions and acquisitions, busy schedules and the latest and greatest gadgets.....until  we are on our deathbeds or get a horrible terminal diagnosis, and then we realize that most of these things mean absolutely nothing?  It would be wise if we could change that mindset now, while we are still healthy and able to do so.  Let's concentrate more on what's really important:  what we leave behind, because we certainly can't take anything with us!

GRIEF IN STAGES.......OR NOT!

I'm sure you've probably heard about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grief.  Unfortunately, those of us that work in the field of loss and grief, regard them now as too methodical, too linear and don't like referring to them as the be-all and end-all.  Jackson Rainer says it well:  "Grief is a sloppy process; nothing about it is efficient."

LIVE LIFE!

"You don't have to live forever; you just have to live!"
Tuck Everlasting

ASK PERMISSION

How many times have you seen or experienced someone walking up to a pregnant woman, in her last trimester, and automatically touching her belly?  Would you just automatically touch her belly if she was not pregnant?  Of course not!  You need to ask, "Would you mind?"  The same holds true for people in wheelchairs.  Don't just automatically reach out and touch their chair.  Ask their permission if you can touch it.  It is a part of THEM.  Jackson Rainer, Ph.D.

NEVER LOSE HOPE!

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all."  Emily Dickinson

ARE YOU PREPARED?

This may sound morbid to some, but hopefully, it sounds like good planning to more!  Have you made your funeral arrangements or would you rather not think about "those kinds of things" right now?  Better yet, would you rather just leave it to others, since you'll already be dead?  There is a Jewish proverb: "We know we will die, but we keep hoping that we will be an exception to the rule."  By making your funeral wishes known to your family members, you will be eliminating a  great deal of stress for them.  All you need to say or write down is, "This is what I want, and this is what I will leave to others to decide."  Then, be sure to let these people know your preferences. Harold Ivan Smith

REFRAMING

Reframing can't change the facts, but it can change our opinion or perspective about things.  "It is not the things themselves which trouble us, but the opinion that we have about these things."  Epistetus.

MOVING FORWARD

"One benchmark of a completed grief pattern is when the person is able to think of the deceased without debilitating pain.  There is always a sense of sadness when you think of someone you have loved and lost, but it is a different kind of sadness- it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had."   J. William Worden

HAVE NO REGRETS

Don't be at the end of your life and have to say, "I wish I had......"
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."  Harriet Beecher Stowe

TAGGING ON TO YESTERDAY'S TOPIC

"You want to know who helped me?  That's easy.  It wasn't the folks with the answers or the folks with the cliches or platitudes or advice.  No!  It was those wonderful people who listened all the way to the end of my sentences even when my sentences did not have periods.  It was those precious people who let me sob and slobber and wail and moan and who simply sat with me staring into the bottom of empty coffee cups as if the answers I needed might be hiding there.  It was those who listened and nodded, patted and hugged, and wept and waited with me for this active season called grief to end."  Harold Ivan Smith

HELP!

Have you ever caught yourself saying to a griever or heard others say to you, "Wow.  You are handling this so well!"  Unfortunately, this may be far from the truth!  Grievers often put up these fronts for two reasons:
1) admitting that they need help makes them feel too vulnerable and/or
2) if they did fall apart in front of others, the "others" might become very uncomfortable and not know what to do!  Think about it:  Grievers put up a front to make OTHERS feel more comfortable, when they are the ones who are grieving!  How bassackwards is that??  If grievers really do want help, then they cannot put out these false signals that they are doing well, thank you very much!  If they do, indeed, want help, then they need to ask for it.  They are then doing others a favor by giving them a practical, tangible way to reach out to them, the grievers.  This is best illustrated in Pooh's Little Instruction Book by Milne and Shephard:
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes."

FORGIVENESS

"Forgiveness is important work for a griever.  Forgiveness and grief go together like sweet and sour or salt and pepper....... Forgiving is
'for giving.'  It releases us from the exhausting work of lugging around a grudge like homeless people carrying their belongings."
Harold Ivan Smith

CRYING IS A GOOD THING!

We may all be from different cultures and backgrounds, but we all speak the same language when it comes to crying.
"What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul."  Leo Rosten

THERE'S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

"It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet, we squeeze by with, 'How are you?' and 'I'm fine.'
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.  We talk about work.
We talk about everything else-except the elephant in the room.
There's an elephant in the room.  We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.  For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.  Oh, please say 'Barbara' again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death, perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, 'Barbara' and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, you are leaving me
Alone......In a room.....
With an elephant."
Terry Kittering

BECOMING AN ORPHAN

"We tend to associate the word, 'orphan,' with children but the reality is that anyone who has no surviving parents is really an orphan."  Dr. Dana Cable.  Often, the first question asked when an adult's parent has died is, "How old was he/she?"  Then, people go on to say, "Well, at least he/she lived a long life," but "it doesn't matter how long our parents lived.  At death, their lives haven't seemed long enough."  Jane Brooks

TUCK EVERLASTING

This is a great little movie about life and death.  It poses the question:  if you could live forever, would you?  Some of the characters will live forever and this is what they said:
"We're like rocks stuck at the side of a stream.  We're not living.  We just ARE."
"You can't have living without dying.  Don't be afraid of death.  Be afraid of the unlived life."
"You don't have to live forever.  You just have to live!"

GIVING YOU A FEW DAYS REST

I don't know if I have any readers that follow this on a daily basis, but just in case I do, I need to let you know that I will not be able to blog until the weekend.  Stay safe and warm!!  I'll see you back here soon.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all......
It comes with bitterest agony.......
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better......
And yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true,
Will make you feel less miserable now."
Abraham Lincoln- (Three of his sons died:  Edward, age 4, William, age 11 and Thomas, age 18).

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Alot of people mistakenly think that grief is reserved for death only, but nothing could be further from the truth.  People, and their loved ones, who are dealing with chronic and/or terminal illness are also experiencing profound grief and loss:  loss of certainty, of freedom to leave the house, of independence, of privacy, of a mutual relationship, of a good night's sleep, of comfort, just to name a few!  Our culture allows and expects public mourning when an actual death occurs, but not so much before; therefore, we are left to grieve privately and in isolation.  In fact, this is what we often hear:  "At least you had time to grieve and say good-bye.  What if he/she had died suddenly?"  Well, it's not as black and white as others are led to believe.  Therese Rando states some of the issues that the anticipatory griever is up against: "powerlessness, fear, uncertainty, confusion: violations of the assumptive world, ongoing losses, personal depletion from the stress arising from demands for major readaptations and investments of self, time and finances, longterm family disruption and disorganization, opposing needs, competing demands, clashing responsibilities, guilt, sorrow, depression, anger, hostility, anxiety......"  "Rando also believes that a person experiencing the constant threat of one's own or a loved one's death, by way of a terminal illness, constitutes the clinical criteria for PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome)."   Jennifer Allen, in an article she wrote, called THE LONG ROAD, also states that "anticipatory grief mandates a delicate balance between staying close and letting go-all at the same time.  Paradox and contradiction run rampant in anticipatory grief."  Death, whether sudden or spread out over time, is no piece of cake either way, but by learning and understanding anticipatory grief, hopefully, we will have more compassion for loved ones who are, indeed, grieving, even though there has been no funeral.

HOSPICE: WHAT A WAY TO GO!

I'm learning to become a Hospice volunteer, and the more I learn about it, the more I'm itching to get out there and get my hands dirty.  The most important thing to know is that they want to help others die with dignity, peace and comfort..... preferably in their own homes, surrounded by the things and the people they love. BOTH the patient AND the family are surrounded with a caring team. The goal is no longer one of cure, but of comfort care. One writer explains, "hospice is a movement, not a place and helps people LIVE while they are dying.  It bathes their wasting bodies, combs their thinning hair, loves them unreservedly, diminishes their pain, sees to their joy and improves their ending lives as if to do so were an honor rather than a chore."  Hospice treats patients as people, not as diseases. I also love this:  "Hospice workers think that the top sheets and bottom sheets should match, even if the patient can no longer see; hospice workers explain the purpose of every shot and suppository, even if the patient can no longer hear; hospice workers don't offer false hope to a patient, nor do they say, 'Eat, you have to eat or you won't get better.'  Lastly, this is a wonderful testimonial from a patient:  "I went to the hospital to be cured and I almost died.  I went to the hospice to die and I lived."  To die with dignity and with as much choice as we can render- isn't that how we would all like our final exits to be?
All quotes are taken from the book, IMPERFECT CONTROL by Judith Viorst.

YES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

No one wants to think about one's own death, but if you want to have some control over what happens at the end, you're going to have to think about dying before you die!  Here is what a monk, Thomas Kempis, wrote in the 15th CENTURY!
"Your time here is short, very short; take a look at the way in which you spend it....Perhaps, before now, you've seen a man die?  Remember, then, that you have got the same road to travel....If you hope to live well and wisely, try to be, here and now, the man you would want to be on your deathbed."
As bizarre as this may sound, it really isn't bizarre at all: write your own obituary.  Think about when you are gone and what you would like it to say.  How would you like to be remembered?  By your accomplishments, successes and titles?  Or would you like to be remembered for your character and how you gave of yourself to your family, friends, community and society?
By writing your own obituary, you realize what really matters to you.  If you're not happy with what you write, the good thing is that you still have choices and you can still make changes to create the life that more closely resembles the life of that wonderful person in your obituary.

SHORT AND SWEET

"Just think how happy you'd be if you lost everything and everyone you have right now.....and then, somehow got them back again."  Kobi Yamada

THAT HORRIBLE GUILT!

So often, when a loved one dies, the survivors feel guilty.  A common refrain is: "If only....."  It can become quite overwhelming.  We might replay events 1,000 or more times in our minds, searching, searching for the answer to the question, "why?"  We must remember that we are human and we must try to forgive ourselves for making mistakes, as well as for not having a crystal ball where we could see into the future.  Sure, things seem clear now, but they probably weren't then.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  Remember this, "If you could have, you would have.  If you had known what was going to happen in the future, you would have changed the present so you wouldn't have to live in the past.  Trust that.  Believe it!" Darcie Sims

WE ALL NEED SUPPORT

No one should grieve alone.  The problem, tho, is that grievers are afraid to ASK for help and friends don't know HOW to help.  Harold Ivan Smith, has wonderful things to say about this topic:
1.  When someone says to you, "You can't understand what I'm going through, because you've never lost a child (spouse, etc.),"  we can then respond with, "I will never understand unless you tell me what it's like to be you."
2.  "Sometimes people tell me......"
3.  Lastly, Dr. Smith asks a poignant question: "When you can't see the cables on a bridge because of fog, you know the supports are still there.  Who are your "cables?"

WE ARE ALL SO BUSY!

"I'd been busy, busy, so busy, preparing for life, while life floated by me, quiet and swift as a regatta." Lorene Cary

AGING, PART DEUX

The changes in our bodies as we age, redefine us.  The ways in which others perceive us, also redefine us.  It's very difficult to relinquish our former self-image.  In middle age, we start to measure time by what time we have left, as opposed to when we were children, and couldn't wait until our next birthday!  Our future turns into our past all too quickly!  But, it's our ATTITUDE toward our losses, as well as the actual losses themselves, that affect how we age.  There are still plenty of gains to be had.  In fact, the gains can, most definitely, outweigh the losses!  It's our choice.

AGING IS LOSS

As one who has always valued learning, I am finding that middle age is a great teacher.  It's amazing how prejudiced our American society is against those who are not young and beautiful.  But, if we're lucky, sooner or later, we will all get old (er) and the older we get, the more we are capable of seeing that nothing is permanent. How short life is!  We are almost forced to look inward, as we experience our bodies decline.  If you were to ask an older person (and by older, I mean middle aged onward), how old he/she felt in his/her heart, I'll bet they would say "25 or 35" or something similar.  So, remember this the next time you see an older person.  On the outside, to you, he/she may look one age, but on the inside, he/she feels totally different. Know this, too: when he/she looks in his/her own mirror, he/she sees someone totally different than what is being reflected back.  Older citizens have alot to teach YOU, if you would only open your heart.  That may be you one day.

IF YOU HAD ONLY ONE YEAR TO LIVE.......

What would you do?  Most of us don't live a conscious life.  We get swept up in the busyness of life, especially now with all the latest and greatest technology.  Heck, we don't even LOOK at the person sitting across from us, because we are on our cell phones, communicating with someone we are NOT with!  And because of this, we are not really present in our own lives!  "How easily we lose contact with our life long before we die."  Stephen Levine

ESTABLISH PRIORITIES

One thing I always hear people say who have just been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who have had a loved one die is:  "I've learned to establish priorities."  One man said it even better: "I've learned the UNimportance of that which was once so important to me."  From the book, WHEN MOURNING COMES by William Silverman and Kenneth Cinnamon.

NO DEATH IS EASY

It's kind of "funny".  We know there are seasons and that they inevitably come and go, and yet, we are reluctant to accept the cycle of birth to death.  We know in our hearts that everything that lives must die, but we find it almost impossible to think about our own death or the death of those we love.  Why?  Because "with the death of a husband or wife, you lose your present; with the death of a parent, the past; and  with the death of a child, you lose your future." Shalom Levy.

YOU'RE STILL GRIEVING?!

"The average American believes that grief should be over in 30 days."  Harold Ivan Smith.  We seem to be very impatient with the whole grieving process.  We ask, "When will we get the old Joan back?"  A great response would be, "You don't get the old Joan back!"  We are forever changed by grief and loss.  Unfortunately, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did us a disservice by laying out the stages of grief, as if we all grieved the same way.  We don't.  Just as each person has a unique fingerprint, we each have a unique grief print.  There is no "one size fits all," when it comes to grieving.  "As long as we're dictating and putting time parameters around how intensely someone should suffer and the form it should take, then we're taking the role of dictator and judge."  Francine Shapiro.

CAREGIVERS NEED SELF-CARE

Becoming a caregiver for one's parents or spouse or other loved one can be extremely stressful and difficult.  Caregivers cannot and should not do it alone, although far too many people do this.  Here is some good advice from Gail Sheehy:  "I had dismissed self- care as selfish.  Nonsense.  Self care is survival.  It is not thinking about yourself more, it is thinking more of yourself."

LIVE FOR TODAY

I have so many wonderful quotes pertaining to this subject, because it happens to be my mantra (!), but this is the one I will choose for today:
"We humans are most afraid of dying.  Yet, we often seem to be racing through life as if trying to get to the finish line.  We can pray all we want, but we will never be given a better past.  We can anticipate the future all we want, but we will never be able to control it.  Meantime, we squander the present, this very moment- the one reality within our grasp."  Gail Sheehy

SOME PERSONAL INFO.

One of my devoted readers asked me to share how and why I got into this field, so I thought I would devote today's blog to this topic.  I have been a family educator since receiving my master's degree in family studies in 1986.  I focused mainly on parenting issues, in general, and communication skills, specifically.  In 1991, I came across an already designed program on grief and loss and how to communicate with those who were grieving.  I was hooked from day one!  This program focused on the same communication techniques and skills I had always used, but   it just shifted my focus from parenting to grief and loss.  Both involve listening, listening, listening!  I then expanded my horizons by joining two national bereavement associations, and attended national conferences and seminars, as well as local ones and now, web seminars where national leaders in the field teach me while I'm in my pajamas, eating breakfast in my kitchen! (Ya gotta love that!)  I have been a public speaker, writer and facilitator of grief support groups over these many years.  I've also been part of a federal inmate hospice training program, for 7 years, at a Federal Prison, where I was alone with the inmates, teaching them how to be compassionate to other inmates!  That was an experience I will never forget!  Lucky for me, I have always loved learning and  learn as much from my audience as they learn from me.  In this area of grief and loss, I am blessed that I can utilize all that I read (I love reading grief books as much as I love reading novels!) and learn, on a daily basis, because loss does not only encompass death.  "We lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on."  Judith Viorst

DO CHILDREN GRIEVE?

No matter what age the child is, he or she will feel grief when a loved one dies.  Infants can feel tension from their parents who are grieving.  Toddlers who want to go outside and play are still grieving.  Just remember this:  "If a child is old enough to love, he or she is old enough to grieve."  Alan Wolfelt

SOME INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

The following are terms we use all the time, but I'll bet you rarely stop to think what they really mean or how they came about:
1.  Bereavement means "robbed of."
2.  "Wakes" comes from a time when people stayed AWAKE to watch over bodies for 3 days to make sure they were dead.
3.  Long ago, people used to always die at home (a wonderful concept, by the way!)  The dead bodies were layed out in the parlor.  However, they were eventually removed from the parlor, so that homes would be for the LIVING, thus "the living room."

MORRIE SCHWARTZ (TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE)

This story that dear Morrie once told is self-explanatory:
"There's this little wave, this he-wave, who's bobbing up and down, off the shore, bobbing up and down on the ocean, having a great time, and all of a sudden he recognizes he's going to crash into the shore..... and he'll get annihilated.  And he gets so despairing, 'My G-d, what's going to happen to me?'  and he's got this sour, despairing look on his face.  Along comes a female wave, bobbing up and down, having a great time.  And the female wave says to the male wave, 'Why are you so depressed?' The male says, 'You don't understand.  You're going to crash into the shore and you'll be nothing.'  She says, 'You don't understand.  You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.' "

OUR TOWN

I will bet that most of you reading this are familiar with Thornton Wilder's play, OUR TOWN.  I love this play, because the message is so powerful.  (I equate it to the message relayed in one of my favorite movies- MEET JOE BLACK.)  In this play, the dead Emily comes back to her old life, unseen to the living, to revisit an "unimportant" day in her life.  She watches her younger self and her family going about their business, unaware that it's a perfect day and will not last.  The fact that they don't know what they have while they have it, overwhelms her with sadness and as she turns to return to her grave, she says through her tears:
"Good- by, Good-by world.  Good-by, Grover's Corners.  Mama and Papa.  Good-by to clocks ticking......and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and coffee.  And new-ironed dresses and hot baths.....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.  DO ANY HUMAN BEINGS EVER REALIZE LIFE WHILE THEY LIVE IT?"

MY EPIPHANY

Yesterday, my significant other and I attended the funeral of a woman we didn't know.  We were there to show support for the deceased's brother and sister-in-law, who are good friends of ours.  Invariably, I come away from funerals sad, but not for the "normal" reasons, and this was no exception.  I learned so much about Bobbie (her name), during the funeral, that I sat there, wishing I had known these things while she was still alive!  What an amazing woman she was!  As the pastor said, "She loved completely, was completely loved and had such a good time."
   Apparently, she resembled the famous chef, Paula Deen, both in looks and personality.  She strongly believed in hugs, laughter and grabbing life by the tail, even when she was battling cancer!  Her sister-in-law told us that there were 4 men in her life that were her everything:  her husband of 41 years, two grown sons and her brother (our friend).  How I would have loved to have known her!  Therein lies my epiphany.
   I knew she had been very ill, and probably wasn't going to live much longer, but I never thought to ask her brother WHAT WAS SHE LIKE!?  We talked about her illness and her valiant battle, but I realized, during the funeral, that there was so much more to her than that!  Therefore, the lesson I learned and the one I hope I can impart to all of you is when you know someone is ill or dying, ask the loved ones of that person to tell you stories about that person.  Allow them to laugh and cry with you when they share anecdotes and memories.  It will not only make them feel good that you're interested, but it will make YOU a richer person for having "known" them.

HUMUHUMU

This term is Hawaiian for "fitting the pieces together."  It's a perfect term for grievers.  They feel that their lives have broken into so many itty, bitty pieces and they struggle with trying to put them all back together.  My favorite educator, Harold Ivan Smith says, "Grief is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, while the picture on the lid of the box is peeled off."

BUYING A CASKET

We spend alot of money on caskets, because we want our loved ones to know how much we loved them.  But how realistic is that way of thinking?  In essence,aren't we talking "dust to dust?"  I love how my favorite grief educator puts it:
"Don't choose an expensive casket. The dead will be just as dead in a cheaper one than in an expensive one.  You will only be looking at the casket for 72 hours."  Harold Ivan Smith, Ed.S, D.Min.

HOW TO RELATE TO A DYING PERSON

So often, if a loved one is dying, we feel that we are doing him/her a favor by not talking about his/her impending death.  If the patient asks, "Am I dying?", a natural response from a loved one might be, "Of course not!  Don't be ridiculous!" And then the loved one will change the subject. But that response prevents the dying person from tying up loose ends, mending broken relationships or saying things  he/she might want to say.  It's so important to take the patient's lead in discussing death.  If he/she wants to talk about it, by all means, grant him/her the opportunity!
"Not talking about death to a dying patient is like not talking about birth to a pregnant woman."

CAN YOU WALK IN THEIR SHOES?

We have a great fear of getting old in our society.  We seem to worship at the altar of youth and beauty.  What a pity.  The old have so much to tell us and yet we don't want to hear it. If we're lucky, we'll all be old one day.  Remember this the next time you encounter an older person.
 "I know what it's like to be young, but you don't know what it's like to be old."  Anonymous

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO GRIEVE!

In our society, we are expected to "get over it and move on," when we are grieving.  How often do you hear people or yourself say, "Gosh.  It's been 3 months.  Shouldn't he/she be over this by now?"  The short answer is NO!  It takes as long as it takes!
"Don't let anyone take your grief away from you.  You deserve it, and you must have it.  If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until it was healed.  If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run in a marathon next week.  Grief is a major wound.  It does not heal overnight.  You must have time and the crutches until you can heal."  Doug Manning (who wrote the book, DON'T TAKE MY GRIEF AWAY).

SAME LOSS, DIFFERENT OUTLOOKS

Oops!  I didn't even realize that I had forgotten to post yesterday, so today's post is extra long, you lucky duckies you!
Think about this:  you're inside your home, looking outside at new snow falling- lots of it!  You might say to yourself," Oh crap!  It's going to be a mess to drive in!"  OR  you might say, "Look how beautiful it is!  Looks like a picture postcard!"  Same event, different attitude.
The same  holds true of loss.  I have two examples.  The first:  When Princess Diana was getting a divorce, Sir Robert Fellowes, the Queen's private secretary said to Diana:  "I wanted to ring just to say good luck for this difficult day ahead.  It is a tragic end to a wonderful story." Lady Diana's response: "Oh no!  It's the beginning of a new chapter.  And remember, Robert, I do still love my husband.  That will never change."  Look how she CHOSE to interpret her loss!
Another example is with Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter.  After Mr. Carter's defeat in 1980, he said, "Once I was convinced, correctly or not, that we had done our best, then it was easier to move on to other things."  Mrs. Carter said, "We had done all we could, and somehow, it had not been enough."
It's up to you to decide your own path.

WHO NEEDS WORDS?

I often hear people say, "I just don't know what to say (to grievers)."  Sometimes, in fact more often than not, a touch or a hug is more important than any words that could be spoken.  Robert Foster, was a Secret Service agent walking alongside the car in which Caroline Kennedy was riding during her father's funeral procession. He has said,
"I couldn't take away her pain, but for a mile and a half, I could share it with her."

KEEP THE DECEASED ALIVE!

Often, I hear (well meaning) people who are fearful of bringing up the name of the deceased, for fear that that will make the survivors sad. Want to know what REALLY makes the survivors sad?  It's when people DON'T mention their loved one's name!  No one wants to be forgotten!  "People aren't dead until you stop saying their name and stop telling stories about them."  Harold Ivan Smith.

CLOSURE, SCHMOSURE!

Eliminate the word "closure" when you're talking to people who are grieving.  "You close on a house.  You don't close on a death."  Said by Peggy Broxterman, whose son died in the Oklahoma City bombing.

ONE QUOTE A DAY

My photographer daughter used to do something really unique and creative.  No matter where she was in the world, she would always take one polaroid a day!  So, I am taking an idea from her and instead of photos, I am posting one quote or one idea a day.   As a grief educator for over 25 years, I have attended (and still do, especially now that I can access them online!) more seminars and conferences than I can count!  I have always been frustrated that I have so much material at my fingertips, but no where to dispense it.......until now!  I have not been very good at keeping up with my blog on a regular basis, so I thought just writing one quote or idea a day would be manageable for me and probably more interesting for anyone who happens to read it!  My hope is that my followers will actually look forward to my daily quotes, because they will be able to apply them to their own lives and they will be the richer for it.  So here goes!  The one for today- January 3, 2011- and by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!
"If I haven't TOLD you what I'm feeling, you DON'T KNOW what I'm feeling!" by Sue Chance.  Don't say to someone, "I know exactly what you're feeling, " because you don't!!
See you back here tomorrow!