MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH DEMENTIA

     My 91 year old, beautiful mother, has dementia.  She has her good days and bad, but, for the most part, she's holding her own.  She still knows all of us "kids," as well as her husband of 73 years, my 96 year old dad!
     Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least.  However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either.  There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this.    One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids.  For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say  hi, and then go back to watching golf!  My mother did all the talking.  He couldn't be bothered.  Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking.  What a change this has been, for all of us.   Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better!  We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!!  This has NEVER happened before now!!  He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too!  Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm!  What a different man he has become these last few years!  How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments.  I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today.  Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now!  What a blessing!!
     Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings.  Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide.   So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day!   He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!"  She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!!   And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
    One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease.  While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse.  Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme.  They are fully present to the present.   We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present!   What a shame!  Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music.  Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs!  They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen.  Their minds aren't somewhere else.  Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy.   And that is a marvelous thing.
    In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them.  More than that, we think there is no communication without words."  So not true.  Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself.  I have.
   

PAUSING AND REWINDING MY LIFE

    Two of my favorite and most often used "inventions" in the past few years have been the rewind and pause buttons on my TV remote!  In fact, I push those two buttons so much that I actually think I'm getting arthritis in my right index finger!!
    It used to be, way back when,  that I could watch my favorite TV shows, while also needlepointing, reading the paper, writing a letter, etc. because we watched TV in real time and with lots of commercials.  Now, we can record everything and watch when we want, with the added bonus of fast forwarding through commercials.  You'd think that that would mean I would shorten my viewing time, but instead, it takes me just as long to watch an hour show, as when I used to have to sit through the commercials!      Why is that, you might be asking?  Because I have to see every little detail!  If I like what a character is saying, I have to rewind and hear it again; if I'm watching the pro, dancing on Dancing with the Stars, then I have to rewind and then watch his/her partner dance; if I look at the expression on one person's face, then I have to rewind and watch the other person's expression, etc. etc.
    I have self analyzed this phenomenon and come up with the conclusion that I am just a detailed oriented person.  I don't want to miss a single thing!  And because my brain and my eyes can't pick up every detail at one time (whose does?!), I have my trusty remote to do it for me!
    As I was thinking about this, it struck me that the same principle of pause and rewind could be applied to life.  Obviously, we can't rewind (if only!), but we can definitely pause:  pause when we are engaged in conversation so that we really take in what the other person is saying, before we respond (often) too quickly; pause when we hear or see an ambulance and say a prayer that that person will be alright, rather than be bothered that the ambulance is holding up traffic;  pause to hear the sounds of the world all around us;  pause to soak in the sunlight, to gaze upon the stars,  or to watch the rain fall quietly; pause to live in the moment, without regretting the past or fearing the future, just to live right now.  Unfortunately, pausing and taking life in isn't natural for most of us.  We rush through our busy days, missing out on so many of the small, but important, details that are all around us.  What a shame.
    The next time you go to hit the pause button on your remote, think about pausing right then and there to sit still, look around you and be present.  The world will wait.