WHEN AN EX IS STILL A FRIEND

     I would like to begin this post by explaining what DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF is.  It is a grief for which society doesn't really sanction it as being as recognized or as worthy of support as the more "common" losses are entitled to.  What are some examples?  Couples who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, especially the fathers,  families of prison inmates,  women and their partners who undergo abortions or infertility, suicide survivors and yes, ex-spouses.  Without the support that they are entitled to but don't receive, they grieve in isolation, which only compounds their grief.  Grief is already an isolating experience, because most people feel that they are the only ones who feel this way, whatever that way is, so adding an extra layer of isolation and the picture is not pretty.
    So, now, for the personal stuff.  My ex-husband, David, recently died at the age of 75.  Even though we had been divorced for 18 years, we met when we were seniors in college, were married for 30 years, and had been part of each others' lives for 50 years!  That is my entire adult life!  We made a family together and to many people, surprisingly, we remained that core family of 4 in many ways.  David and I both felt that our kids were our #1 priority and wanted to maintain as much stability as possible, despite our no longer being married.  
    Extended family members knew of our close relationship, as did most of our friends.  In fact, they marveled at it and always talked about how unusual it was!  It was wonderful to still be able to maintain connections with each other's families of origin.  David attended my dad's 100th birthday party, and I attended his mother's 100th!  (Yes!  Weren't we fortunate to have that longevity?!). When he got so sick, I, along with our daughter and his wife, went to every's doctor's appointment together.  We were a team. He always used to joke with the doctors that he brought his posse.  In other words, divorce didn't end our relationship; it only changed it.
   For people who didn't know us well, when I would relay things about my ex-husband, immediately, I would always have to quality by saying, "but we're still good friends!"  You must admit that most people hear the word ex- wife or husband and immediately assume that the relationship is no longer a good one!  Right?  I always chuckled to myself when I had to add that qualifier, but sometimes, it really wasn't funny.  It was also sad, because of society's automatic response to the word, divorce, assuming that the marriage ended badly.  Never assume anything or as the old saying goes, "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me."
   Here's where I would like to do my part in changing assumptions and attitudes that people have to ex spouse grief.  I was talking to Megan Devine, the author of the book I previously promoted and when I told her that I wasn't getting the support that I needed or wanted, she recommended that I just say a good friend died, instead of saying ex-husband. Then, I would automatically get support, (although even friend grief has its' limitations).  Good advice.
   As a bereavement specialist, my mind knows that people just don't know any better.  But as a griever, my heart still breaks that many, NOT ALL, who knew of our close relationship still sent condolences, in the form of food, donations or cards, to David's widow and not to me.  Again, I did receive a few, but in no way, close to the amount that his widow did.  And these were OUR friends!  It's like they had an imaginary limit in their minds,  as to how many condolences they could send out to memorialize one person and if it came down to either his widow or his ex-wife, she was the more legitimate griever.  I was the disenfranchised one.
   I mentioned in my earlier blogpost, I'm on a mission to educate people about grief, so I hope my readers will take this to heart and apply it to those they know who might be grieving, especially the disenfranchised who are socially marginalized.  Stop and think that the ripples in the pond of grief are far reaching, beyond the immediate family, even to very good friends, who just happen to be exes.

I'M ON A MISSION!

     And what might that be, you're probably asking?  It's to bring loss and grief out into the open, out of the scary, dark corners where it usually resides deep in our souls.  Why are we so open and carefree when we talk about our joys, but feel the need to retreat and hide when we are sad and grieving?  Love and grief go hand in hand.  They co-exist.  And yet, it is so much easier to talk about one and not the other.  Why is that?

      Here's why.  Because back in the early 1900's, families lived near each other, on the same street or even in the same house.  Everyone was exposed to death as it happened.  Children were not shielded.  They witnessed and grieved right alongside the adults.  There was a natural network of support and community. Death was a normal part of the life cycle.  It still is!  
   BUT we have traveled far away from our families today.  Where is home?  Where we grew up?  Where we raised our families?  What are our obligations toward one another today?  Who takes the lead when it comes to death and dying issues?
  And in this modern age, how do we even know who's grieving?  We certainly don't wear black armbands to show the community that we are mourning.  We don't wear black for a year like we used to back then.  We are expected to go back to work after three days!  We attend funerals and then, quickly, go back to our own lives, hoping, that the bereaved will also be able to go back to theirs, sooner rather than later.

   What a shame.  Grievers don't know if they're "doing it right."  Those who try to support them, don't know "the right thing to say or do."  No one is getting their needs met!  That's because we live in a death denying society.  Let's not talk about death, then, it won't happen to us.  "Because we don't talk about grief in our culture, we have personal and global backlogs of unheard and unspoken grief.....We have an epidemic of unspoken grief.....The gag order on pain is everywhere."  

Megan Devine in It's OK That You're Not OK (my favorite book on the subject and highly recommend!)

    I hope that you will tune into my blog as I do my best to bring loss and grief out from the shadows, both as an educator and as a griever.  This just has to end.  Too many of us are hurting and we think that we're crazy or abnormal.  Trust me.  We are neither.  We are grieving.  And we have lots of company.  We are not the only ones.  It just seems that way.

   Until next time.....

    

                 Happy New Year and New Decade!!

   

Hi there!

    I cannot believe it's been 4 years since I last wrote on my blog!  I have no idea why I stopped blogging or even if anyone ever read my blog in the first place (!), but I've decided to start it back up again.  As a grief educator who has experienced alot of personal grief in these last few years, I just felt that now, I needed/wanted to vent from both vantage points- the professional and the personal.

   I'll start from where I left off in November, 2015.  Both my mother and my brother had recently died.  I was commenting that very few people my age were fortunate enough to have both parents, examples being George Bush, Prince Charles and myself (that's rather good company, don't ya think?!)  Well, fast forward to 2020.  Prince Charles and I are the exact same age, one day apart (I'm older! ha!). He still has both parents..... I have none.  George Bush......none.

   On top of these losses, my own children's dad died recently.  They will never get to remark about having both parents when they are my age.  Neither will my 20 something year old niece, whose dad, my beloved brother, died too soon.  I feel so badly for them.  I know that they are the "normal" ones and I am the outlier, but still, my heart aches for them.

   My siblings and I were so unbelievably lucky to be able to throw a 100th birthday party for our dad, where he was able to fully participate and enjoy.  He was gone 2 months later.  My kids threw a 75th birthday party for their dad.  He, too, was gone 2 months later.  Unreal.

   I think that alot of people stop and reflect, when an old year ends and a new one begins, on what was (past) and what will be (future hopes and dreams).  My piece of advice here is, don't forget to live in the present.  It all too quickly becomes the past.  Just yesterday, literally, it was 2019.