WHEN THE TEARS DON'T STOP

"There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

FINDING COMFORT IN SUDDEN DEATH

  SHOCKING  is often the first word that comes to mind when one learns of a death. This really hit home for me last week when a very important friend of my daughter’s, suddenly died.  Kevin, a beautiful soul from Ireland,  wasn’t officially related to our family, but kinda was, in that he dated Jami for 5 years and remained a large force in her life until the day he died.  Because he was important to HER, he was still important to her brother and myself, as we had just spent time with him less than two months ago in NY over Christmas,  laughing, eating, playing games and reminiscing about Texas Thanksgiving fried turkeys!

    Kevin had just returned home to his country and loving family, where he hadn’t been in years.  He was so unbelievably happy and nourished by all the love surrounding him.  And then, suddenly, he was gone!  How could this happen??  Jami was on the first plane to Ireland, where she had been 12 years earlier, with Kevin, thank goodness.  She already knew his family.  She loved them and they, her.  She experienced the customs of the Irish, which, to me, were so comforting to hear and for her, to experience firsthand.   His open casket was right there in his family’s home, where neighbors and friends could come by all day to pay their last respects.  They never referred to “his body,”  when  the funeral home brought him back to the house before burial, but only as, “Kevin will be here at 6:00 PM.”  He was still Kevin, the person, and not a corpse.  How beautiful is that?  Jami said that he lived in a small village, where, at least, 100 people were lined up outside to welcome him.  Inside, neither Jami, nor any family member, left his casket during the day or night. This wake custom comes from the time when people used to stay “awake” to watch over bodies for 3 days to  make sure they were dead.  Unfortunately, here, tho, they already knew that to be true.  They stayed by Kevin’s side so that he wouldn’t be alone.

   Rituals are more important than most people realize.  They publicly acknowledge the rupture, not just to the family, but to the whole community, as so beautifully experienced in Ireland.   In years long ago in our own country, family members died at home.  Children were exposed to death at an early age, so it was not as scary and foreign to them as it is today. They were also comforted, seeing that they were not alone in their grief.  The term, “living room” developed when the dead were then removed from the parlors in homes so that the rooms could then be for the living.

  Mourning, the public expression of grief, has a beginning, middle and end, whereas grief, the private expression, can last a lifetime.  Judaism, also, has beautiful, comforting mourning rituals to let grievers know they are not alone in their grief, such as the 7 day Shiva period, referred to as a “community embrace.”  Even the Kaddish prayer cannot be said alone.  It requires a minyan or a group of 10 people, so that grievers feel the consoling embrace of others.  And yes, as with Kevin, the deceased are never left alone, either, until they are buried.  

As difficult as it is to come to terms with why good people have to die so young, there is a great deal of comfort knowing that, as miserably hurt and alone we feel, that is definitely not the case.  Just as Kevin was surrounded in life with love, he is surrounded in death, also, with love- more than he could ever have imagined!  Rest in peace, dear, sweet Irish lad.

“There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love.”

Carol Staudacher