September 11, 2001 is a date that most of us still, and probably always will, remember with pain, horror, grief, and for many, PTSD. Yes, we have moved forward in our lives since that awful day, because, well, what choice do we have? Life is for the living, it is said. However, we can't help but go back in time, every year, to that beautiful, perfect fall day, when hell rained down from those blue skies. Lives where changed forever. People were changed forever.
On a more personal level, seventeen years later to the day, 9-11-2018, my family experienced our own traumatic event on another beautiful fall day. My daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, perfect in every way...... born still. To go from the highest of highs, from such joy, anticipation and excitement to the lowest of lows, such shock, horror and disbelief, in the blink of an eye was incomprehensible, not to mention devastating beyond belief!! FINALLY, after undergoing 5 years of infertility treatments, injections, so many doctors, so many scans, so many hopes and dreams, we were SO CLOSE to all of that being behind us (I am using the plural form, because this has affected the whole family, not just mom and dad). We went from the doctors and nurses telling us, "Your baby girl is a bit early, so she will have to go into the NICU, but she will probably be the biggest baby in there...... She has the strongest heartbeat.....You have nothing to worry about" to hearing, "We can't find a heartbeat" is as crushing a blow to the heart....to the mind.... and to the body as one can ever experience.
Why am I writing about this now? Because, two years later, especially at this time of year, even though the aftershocks are still there (and always will be), I now have enough distance and perspective to want to get out the word about infertility and reproductive loss. Why is our society so OK with being able to talk about other kinds of losses, (well, for a short period of time anyway!), or physical ailments, but miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal deaths are still whispered about or not spoken about at all? We must change this! Too many moms and dads have had to carry this burden by themselves which makes their suffering that much worse, especially because these pregnancy losses are so much more common than most people realize.
Miscarriage is the premature end of a pregnancy BEFORE the 20th week. More than 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Stillbirth is the death of a baby AFTER 20 weeks. "Each year, in the US, approximately 29,000 babies are stillborn- 4 times greater than the number of babies who die of SIDS. Some researchers even feel stillbirths are SIDS deaths in utero! Approximately 60% of all stillbirths are unexplained (we are in that category). Neonatal death is the death of a baby anytime between birth and 4 weeks. The estimated number of neonatal deaths in the U.S. is approximately 19,000. " (Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse) I had no idea! Did you?
I don't want to get bogged down in stats. What I'm trying to show is how prevalent these losses are and, yet, unless you are, or know of, a couple experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss, you really have no idea how many other couples struggle with this. Why do they feel shame? Are people ashamed when they get cancer? Or have a broken leg? Of course not! This should not be any different, but it is. Unfortunately, these couples self isolate with their pain, anxiety, depression and loss of self esteem. The needed support and understanding is not forthcoming, because no one knows! Shhhhh.....don't tell anyone. Or, if they do happen to tell, the would-be supporters have no idea how to relate or what to say, so they either say nothing or something like, "You're young. You'll have more kids." Really? Can you guarantee that? Do you know what it took for us to get to this point?
In our modern culture, "we expect to come home with a live and healthy baby 9 months after a positive pregnancy test, to a nursery we have lavishly prepared, filled with clothing and other goodies received during joyous baby showers.....Why has modern culture departed from the acknowledgment that pregnancy, if achieved at all, does not always result in happy endings? Where is the space to acknowledge this before pregnancy?" Dalit Kaplan (http://storywell.com.au/)
Try to imagine what it is like for a couple who has experienced these kinds of struggles to see pregnant women on the street or couples walking their babies in their strollers or even friends and/or siblings easily getting pregnant and having healthy babies. It's gut punch after gut punch after gut punch. Whether it's a pregnancy loss at 6 weeks, 32 weeks or even at full term, it is extremely traumatic. "There are no culturally recognized rituals to assist infertility patients in the grief process." Isn't it time that we start some? This means that couples have to be more forthcoming. Please come out of the shadows with your pain, so that you can get the support you need and deserve. Not everyone will provide that safe place for you to land. That's OK. Keep trying until you find the ones that will.
Speaking of which, to our friends and loved ones, as supporters of us and of other families who know the same heartache, please don't judge or give us advice. We just need you to listen to our stories, to our struggles to conceive or to hear about our babies that once lived, in utero, that were alive and kicking, for whom we had so many hopes and dreams, just like you had for your kids when you were pregnant. Please mention these babies' names, now and years down the road, when yours and other kids are getting older, but ours are not. Don't try to protect us from our pain. We will still be sad and grieve that they aren't here, whether or not you mention it. You don't have to know "the right thing" to say. Just show that you're interested, willing to listen or, simply, that you just didn't forget they were here. They will always be a part of our families, a part of us. No matter how many other children come into the family, the ones that didn't make it will always have a place and will never be replaced. There is certainly enough love to go around.
Also, please don't forget dads when it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss! Men's feelings so often get overlooked as others ask how the wife is doing. Understandably, husbands and partners feel helpless, because they can't fix what's going on or make things better. Not only that, but they may be unable or unwilling to share their feelings with their wives who are going through their own grief. They want to be her coach or her shoulder to lean on, while all the while, they, themselves, could use some TLC. They may act stoic, but inside, they, too, are devastated. Reach out to them however you can.
Now, I don't want this to be a depressing post, because as tragic as this has been for us, we have come out the other side and have lots to celebrate. My daughter and son-in-law have given birth to Olive's baby sister! Needless to say, we all hug her a little tighter and inhale her tiny being to the max and beyond, because of what we've been through, but this is the gift that Olive gave us. Thank you, sweet Olive! How forever grateful I am that I was able to hold you, too, in my arms, before I had to let you go. When our hopes and dreams died with you, when the life we planned on having with you disappeared, you taught us to dream new dreams, hope new hopes and to live life, albeit a different one, for you, who was never even given the opportunity to breathe your first breath. We will do these things FOR you and BECAUSE of you.
So, on this September 11, 2020, happy second birthday, Olive!! Your little sister, Wren, will always know that you came first and how very special you were and are, because we will never stop telling her about you. As long as WE live, YOU will never die. We love you SO much!
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