SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND

Sometimes, when we see older people, well, we don't REALLY see them.  If we're walking behind them, we speed past, fast, because they are holding us up with their slow and unsteady gait.  Or we grumble that they are taking too long to pay for their groceries if they are in front of us in line or any other number of instances.  I had an experience today that just broke my heart, because I witnessed a 95 year old woman (with dementia) being treated so abusively by her grown daughter.  The daughter even said, "People weren't meant to live this long!"  She pushed on her mother's face, as she tried to straighten her mother's leaning posture.  I was appalled!  The saddest part of the whole thing was looking at pictures of the elderly lady when she was young and vibrant.  OMG!!!  She was a stunner!!!  And a poet to boot, with a Ph.D!!  So, my plea here is that when you see an elderly person, male or female, who is only a shadow of his/her former self, please know that, once upon a time, he/she was young, vibrant, beautiful and/or handsome and, most likely, contributed to society in one way or another. A special mention of our vets, who are often cast aside as old men.  We've all seen photos of soldiers in uniform, so young and eager to fight for our freedoms, so proud.  And we were just as proud of them for doing so.  Well, we are now the future generations they were fighting for.  And they?  They are old, hard of hearing, several inches shorter, memories dimmed, health issues galore, but inside, they are still those young soldiers they were so many years ago.  Don't they still deserve the dignity and pride as old men that we gave them when they were young?  Remember this:  the elderly were once young.......and we, if we're lucky, will one day be elderly.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR

I was watching the biography channel the other day, where they had a 2 hour tribute to Elizabeth Taylor.  I had no idea she had suffered so many tragic losses!  She lost so many of her co-stars, with whom she was very close, either tragically or too soon:  Montgomery Clift, Roddy McDowell, James Dean, Rock Hudson, Paul Newman, Eddie Fisher and, of course, Richard Burton.  Her third husband, with whom she was madly in love and had had a new baby, died tragically in a plane crash (in which she was invited to go with, but was ill and didn't go).  Then, there was her good friend, Michael Jackson, with whom she felt a kindred spirit, since they were both child stars and weren't able to enjoy normal childhoods.  At one point, she even questioned why she was still here, when so many of the people she had loved, had died.  Interestingly, we were never witness to her grief.  We WERE witness to her prescription drug and alcohol addictions and her many physical ailments, tho, weren't we?  She just had to be dying inside, piece by piece.  I admire her so much more now, for her fighting spirit to keep on keeping on, staying active in mind and spirit, despite the numerous and devastating heartaches she endured.  May she rest in peace.

LISTENING DOESN'T COME NATURALLY

Most of us think that we know how to listen.......but honestly, it's a learned science.  Why?  Because it's difficult to listen without judging, trying to fix, rescuing, advising or criticizing.  Try it. Watch how fast you want to do one of the above, usually without even thinking.  What's difficult but so much more effective is to listen to not only what people are saying, but what they are not saying.  We need to listen not only with our ears, but with our eyes and our hearts.  Try to suspend that internal conversation you are having of what you are going to say next and just pause.  "Pausing is just like putting the clutch in when you are driving a car with a stick shift:  it lets you slow down just enough to engage the gears before you speed up."  Nance Guilmartin

THINGS HAVE CHANGED BUT FOR THE BETTER?

Prior to WWII, 80% of people died at home.  Today, that figure is almost totally reversed, with most people dying in hospitals.  The "medicalization" of death came in the 1940's, after the discovery of penicillin.  Before that, most people were familiar with death before the age of 25.  In other words, because family members died at home, other family members experienced death up close and personal.  Now, the medicalization of death has led to avoidance of death.  Death is "sanitized" behind curtains in hospitals and we turn over alot of the decision making to doctors, leaving family members very confused, tense, anxious and in denial.  If possible, seriously look into having your loved ones die at home, in their familiar surroundings, in a very sacred space created by family members and friends.
Hanno Kirk

MEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY

I have often heard women say, when they and their husbands or mates are grieving, "My husband wants sex!  How can he even be thinking about sex at a time like this??"  Well, ladies, they really aren't thinking about "sex" as such.  Guys may want more sex when grieving, because that is the only way, or. at least, the safest way, for them to feel vulnerable.  This is so very important and yet,  it is so misunderstood.

CARING FOR AGING PARENTS

"We hear so much about the role reversal that comes with caring for an aging parent, and let me give it to you straight- as a geriatrician I won't be a party to it.  By 'taking charge,' I don't mean infantalizing or demeaning someone you care about by making him or her the child without a voice in this process.......I assure you that in most cases getting your parent to accept the help he or she needs can be done in such a way that he or she runs the show to the greatest extent practical.  Rob an older person of his or her dignity, and you're ruining quality of life, not enhancing it."  TREAT ME, NOT MY AGE, by Mark Lachs, M.D.

TSUNAMIS AND EARTHQUAKES

Watching the horror unfold today in Japan and Hawaii, I beg of you who read this blog to: live each day, know what it is important and make those things a priority......now!!!  Do not wait another minute, another hour, another day.  Unfortunately, it's death and destruction that is often the best teacher, but oh, what a painful way to learn.  Love lives forever.  Give it and receive it as freely, as often and as much as you possibly can.  Life, as we know it, can end in a single millisecond!  My thoughts and prayers are with all those who lost their lives today, with their families and with those who are still missing.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU!

Isn't it interesting how we put so much stock into possessions and acquisitions, busy schedules and the latest and greatest gadgets.....until  we are on our deathbeds or get a horrible terminal diagnosis, and then we realize that most of these things mean absolutely nothing?  It would be wise if we could change that mindset now, while we are still healthy and able to do so.  Let's concentrate more on what's really important:  what we leave behind, because we certainly can't take anything with us!

GRIEF IN STAGES.......OR NOT!

I'm sure you've probably heard about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grief.  Unfortunately, those of us that work in the field of loss and grief, regard them now as too methodical, too linear and don't like referring to them as the be-all and end-all.  Jackson Rainer says it well:  "Grief is a sloppy process; nothing about it is efficient."

LIVE LIFE!

"You don't have to live forever; you just have to live!"
Tuck Everlasting

ASK PERMISSION

How many times have you seen or experienced someone walking up to a pregnant woman, in her last trimester, and automatically touching her belly?  Would you just automatically touch her belly if she was not pregnant?  Of course not!  You need to ask, "Would you mind?"  The same holds true for people in wheelchairs.  Don't just automatically reach out and touch their chair.  Ask their permission if you can touch it.  It is a part of THEM.  Jackson Rainer, Ph.D.

NEVER LOSE HOPE!

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all."  Emily Dickinson

ARE YOU PREPARED?

This may sound morbid to some, but hopefully, it sounds like good planning to more!  Have you made your funeral arrangements or would you rather not think about "those kinds of things" right now?  Better yet, would you rather just leave it to others, since you'll already be dead?  There is a Jewish proverb: "We know we will die, but we keep hoping that we will be an exception to the rule."  By making your funeral wishes known to your family members, you will be eliminating a  great deal of stress for them.  All you need to say or write down is, "This is what I want, and this is what I will leave to others to decide."  Then, be sure to let these people know your preferences. Harold Ivan Smith