I was married for 30 years to a wonderful man. We had two incredible children that have grown up to become even more amazing adults. They have done us proud. For reasons that will remain private, we divorced. The first year or two post divorce was tricky. Feelings were hurt, new people came into our lives and we were both trying to feel our way. Our kids, altho both in their 20's, were also struggling with the new arrangements. Divorce is never easy on kids, no matter how old they are. They tried so hard to make sure that the time they spent with each of their parents was exactly 50/50. How difficult that must have been for them!
But here we are, 13 years out, and my "once upon a time husband" and I are still very much in each other's lives. We both decided, from the get-go, that we were not going to drag each other through the mud. That meant, we were not going to say anything negative about the other to our adult children. To this day, we have kept that promise. And because of that, we are still that core family that we were when he and I were married. Both of us have had other long term relationships and a marriage, but our significant others have had to learn that the original bond that brought my ex and I together is a bond too strong to ever break. We were in our 20's when we met and married. We grew up together. And we will grow old together, only in a different way than we originally planned.
It's difficult for me to understand how some people are so bitter when they divorce that they spend years trying to destroy their former spouse, either financially or emotionally. Why? Who's to gain from that? Even in my own family, I have seen this happen. It's such a waste of life! Usually, it's the one who is hanging onto the bitterness and resentment is the one who is suffering, not the other one who has, most likely, moved on with his/her own life. Life happens, not always the way we planned. We cannot control events, but we CAN change or control how we react to those events. It's a choice.
"Divorce and death do not END relationships; they CHANGE relationships." (Harold Ivan Smith) My ex and I have made the conscious decision to stay in each others' lives until death do us part. After all, that's what we promised one another so many years ago. I wish the same for all of you who are divorced or are thinking of divorce. I know this may be an impossibility in some cases, and for legitimate reasons, but, IF it is at all possible, your kids will be forever grateful that you both made this choice to remain friends, or, at the very least, friendly.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I really try hard not to set my expectations too high for people, because I know full well that that is just setting myself up for disappointment. I honestly feel that I have realistic expectations, most of the time. However, lately, I seem to have experienced an unusual amount of disappointment in the behavior of those to whom I have always felt close. I struggle with the choice of either being honest with my feelings and telling them or just letting these experiences go, and the friendships, with it.
Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals. It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years! It's not that easy!"
So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled. I am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on. These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us. Too often, they are not. I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering. Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system. A double whammy.
This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost. It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was. Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions." As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
People change, friendships change, situations change. It's all a part of life. No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in. My own parents, who are both in their 90's, have lost so many friends, through death and illness. My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them. My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long." I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends! My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood. For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life. It's all good. But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.
Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals. It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years! It's not that easy!"
So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled. I am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on. These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us. Too often, they are not. I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering. Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system. A double whammy.
This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost. It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was. Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions." As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
People change, friendships change, situations change. It's all a part of life. No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in. My own parents, who are both in their 90's, have lost so many friends, through death and illness. My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them. My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long." I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends! My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood. For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life. It's all good. But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS
In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin's character said this:
"You'll always have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."
"You'll always have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."
Sunday, August 10, 2014
WHAT TO SAY AND NOT SAY TO GRIEVERS
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I doow how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
From Grief.com. I welcome the good and not so good comments that people have made to you when you were grieving. We all need to learn from each other.
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