WE ARE ALL SO BUSY!

"I'd been busy, busy, so busy, preparing for life, while life floated by me, quiet and swift as a regatta." Lorene Cary

AGING, PART DEUX

The changes in our bodies as we age, redefine us.  The ways in which others perceive us, also redefine us.  It's very difficult to relinquish our former self-image.  In middle age, we start to measure time by what time we have left, as opposed to when we were children, and couldn't wait until our next birthday!  Our future turns into our past all too quickly!  But, it's our ATTITUDE toward our losses, as well as the actual losses themselves, that affect how we age.  There are still plenty of gains to be had.  In fact, the gains can, most definitely, outweigh the losses!  It's our choice.

AGING IS LOSS

As one who has always valued learning, I am finding that middle age is a great teacher.  It's amazing how prejudiced our American society is against those who are not young and beautiful.  But, if we're lucky, sooner or later, we will all get old (er) and the older we get, the more we are capable of seeing that nothing is permanent. How short life is!  We are almost forced to look inward, as we experience our bodies decline.  If you were to ask an older person (and by older, I mean middle aged onward), how old he/she felt in his/her heart, I'll bet they would say "25 or 35" or something similar.  So, remember this the next time you see an older person.  On the outside, to you, he/she may look one age, but on the inside, he/she feels totally different. Know this, too: when he/she looks in his/her own mirror, he/she sees someone totally different than what is being reflected back.  Older citizens have alot to teach YOU, if you would only open your heart.  That may be you one day.

IF YOU HAD ONLY ONE YEAR TO LIVE.......

What would you do?  Most of us don't live a conscious life.  We get swept up in the busyness of life, especially now with all the latest and greatest technology.  Heck, we don't even LOOK at the person sitting across from us, because we are on our cell phones, communicating with someone we are NOT with!  And because of this, we are not really present in our own lives!  "How easily we lose contact with our life long before we die."  Stephen Levine

ESTABLISH PRIORITIES

One thing I always hear people say who have just been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who have had a loved one die is:  "I've learned to establish priorities."  One man said it even better: "I've learned the UNimportance of that which was once so important to me."  From the book, WHEN MOURNING COMES by William Silverman and Kenneth Cinnamon.

NO DEATH IS EASY

It's kind of "funny".  We know there are seasons and that they inevitably come and go, and yet, we are reluctant to accept the cycle of birth to death.  We know in our hearts that everything that lives must die, but we find it almost impossible to think about our own death or the death of those we love.  Why?  Because "with the death of a husband or wife, you lose your present; with the death of a parent, the past; and  with the death of a child, you lose your future." Shalom Levy.

YOU'RE STILL GRIEVING?!

"The average American believes that grief should be over in 30 days."  Harold Ivan Smith.  We seem to be very impatient with the whole grieving process.  We ask, "When will we get the old Joan back?"  A great response would be, "You don't get the old Joan back!"  We are forever changed by grief and loss.  Unfortunately, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did us a disservice by laying out the stages of grief, as if we all grieved the same way.  We don't.  Just as each person has a unique fingerprint, we each have a unique grief print.  There is no "one size fits all," when it comes to grieving.  "As long as we're dictating and putting time parameters around how intensely someone should suffer and the form it should take, then we're taking the role of dictator and judge."  Francine Shapiro.

CAREGIVERS NEED SELF-CARE

Becoming a caregiver for one's parents or spouse or other loved one can be extremely stressful and difficult.  Caregivers cannot and should not do it alone, although far too many people do this.  Here is some good advice from Gail Sheehy:  "I had dismissed self- care as selfish.  Nonsense.  Self care is survival.  It is not thinking about yourself more, it is thinking more of yourself."

LIVE FOR TODAY

I have so many wonderful quotes pertaining to this subject, because it happens to be my mantra (!), but this is the one I will choose for today:
"We humans are most afraid of dying.  Yet, we often seem to be racing through life as if trying to get to the finish line.  We can pray all we want, but we will never be given a better past.  We can anticipate the future all we want, but we will never be able to control it.  Meantime, we squander the present, this very moment- the one reality within our grasp."  Gail Sheehy

SOME PERSONAL INFO.

One of my devoted readers asked me to share how and why I got into this field, so I thought I would devote today's blog to this topic.  I have been a family educator since receiving my master's degree in family studies in 1986.  I focused mainly on parenting issues, in general, and communication skills, specifically.  In 1991, I came across an already designed program on grief and loss and how to communicate with those who were grieving.  I was hooked from day one!  This program focused on the same communication techniques and skills I had always used, but   it just shifted my focus from parenting to grief and loss.  Both involve listening, listening, listening!  I then expanded my horizons by joining two national bereavement associations, and attended national conferences and seminars, as well as local ones and now, web seminars where national leaders in the field teach me while I'm in my pajamas, eating breakfast in my kitchen! (Ya gotta love that!)  I have been a public speaker, writer and facilitator of grief support groups over these many years.  I've also been part of a federal inmate hospice training program, for 7 years, at a Federal Prison, where I was alone with the inmates, teaching them how to be compassionate to other inmates!  That was an experience I will never forget!  Lucky for me, I have always loved learning and  learn as much from my audience as they learn from me.  In this area of grief and loss, I am blessed that I can utilize all that I read (I love reading grief books as much as I love reading novels!) and learn, on a daily basis, because loss does not only encompass death.  "We lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on."  Judith Viorst

DO CHILDREN GRIEVE?

No matter what age the child is, he or she will feel grief when a loved one dies.  Infants can feel tension from their parents who are grieving.  Toddlers who want to go outside and play are still grieving.  Just remember this:  "If a child is old enough to love, he or she is old enough to grieve."  Alan Wolfelt

SOME INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

The following are terms we use all the time, but I'll bet you rarely stop to think what they really mean or how they came about:
1.  Bereavement means "robbed of."
2.  "Wakes" comes from a time when people stayed AWAKE to watch over bodies for 3 days to make sure they were dead.
3.  Long ago, people used to always die at home (a wonderful concept, by the way!)  The dead bodies were layed out in the parlor.  However, they were eventually removed from the parlor, so that homes would be for the LIVING, thus "the living room."

MORRIE SCHWARTZ (TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE)

This story that dear Morrie once told is self-explanatory:
"There's this little wave, this he-wave, who's bobbing up and down, off the shore, bobbing up and down on the ocean, having a great time, and all of a sudden he recognizes he's going to crash into the shore..... and he'll get annihilated.  And he gets so despairing, 'My G-d, what's going to happen to me?'  and he's got this sour, despairing look on his face.  Along comes a female wave, bobbing up and down, having a great time.  And the female wave says to the male wave, 'Why are you so depressed?' The male says, 'You don't understand.  You're going to crash into the shore and you'll be nothing.'  She says, 'You don't understand.  You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.' "

OUR TOWN

I will bet that most of you reading this are familiar with Thornton Wilder's play, OUR TOWN.  I love this play, because the message is so powerful.  (I equate it to the message relayed in one of my favorite movies- MEET JOE BLACK.)  In this play, the dead Emily comes back to her old life, unseen to the living, to revisit an "unimportant" day in her life.  She watches her younger self and her family going about their business, unaware that it's a perfect day and will not last.  The fact that they don't know what they have while they have it, overwhelms her with sadness and as she turns to return to her grave, she says through her tears:
"Good- by, Good-by world.  Good-by, Grover's Corners.  Mama and Papa.  Good-by to clocks ticking......and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and coffee.  And new-ironed dresses and hot baths.....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.  DO ANY HUMAN BEINGS EVER REALIZE LIFE WHILE THEY LIVE IT?"

MY EPIPHANY

Yesterday, my significant other and I attended the funeral of a woman we didn't know.  We were there to show support for the deceased's brother and sister-in-law, who are good friends of ours.  Invariably, I come away from funerals sad, but not for the "normal" reasons, and this was no exception.  I learned so much about Bobbie (her name), during the funeral, that I sat there, wishing I had known these things while she was still alive!  What an amazing woman she was!  As the pastor said, "She loved completely, was completely loved and had such a good time."
   Apparently, she resembled the famous chef, Paula Deen, both in looks and personality.  She strongly believed in hugs, laughter and grabbing life by the tail, even when she was battling cancer!  Her sister-in-law told us that there were 4 men in her life that were her everything:  her husband of 41 years, two grown sons and her brother (our friend).  How I would have loved to have known her!  Therein lies my epiphany.
   I knew she had been very ill, and probably wasn't going to live much longer, but I never thought to ask her brother WHAT WAS SHE LIKE!?  We talked about her illness and her valiant battle, but I realized, during the funeral, that there was so much more to her than that!  Therefore, the lesson I learned and the one I hope I can impart to all of you is when you know someone is ill or dying, ask the loved ones of that person to tell you stories about that person.  Allow them to laugh and cry with you when they share anecdotes and memories.  It will not only make them feel good that you're interested, but it will make YOU a richer person for having "known" them.

HUMUHUMU

This term is Hawaiian for "fitting the pieces together."  It's a perfect term for grievers.  They feel that their lives have broken into so many itty, bitty pieces and they struggle with trying to put them all back together.  My favorite educator, Harold Ivan Smith says, "Grief is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, while the picture on the lid of the box is peeled off."

BUYING A CASKET

We spend alot of money on caskets, because we want our loved ones to know how much we loved them.  But how realistic is that way of thinking?  In essence,aren't we talking "dust to dust?"  I love how my favorite grief educator puts it:
"Don't choose an expensive casket. The dead will be just as dead in a cheaper one than in an expensive one.  You will only be looking at the casket for 72 hours."  Harold Ivan Smith, Ed.S, D.Min.

HOW TO RELATE TO A DYING PERSON

So often, if a loved one is dying, we feel that we are doing him/her a favor by not talking about his/her impending death.  If the patient asks, "Am I dying?", a natural response from a loved one might be, "Of course not!  Don't be ridiculous!" And then the loved one will change the subject. But that response prevents the dying person from tying up loose ends, mending broken relationships or saying things  he/she might want to say.  It's so important to take the patient's lead in discussing death.  If he/she wants to talk about it, by all means, grant him/her the opportunity!
"Not talking about death to a dying patient is like not talking about birth to a pregnant woman."

CAN YOU WALK IN THEIR SHOES?

We have a great fear of getting old in our society.  We seem to worship at the altar of youth and beauty.  What a pity.  The old have so much to tell us and yet we don't want to hear it. If we're lucky, we'll all be old one day.  Remember this the next time you encounter an older person.
 "I know what it's like to be young, but you don't know what it's like to be old."  Anonymous

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO GRIEVE!

In our society, we are expected to "get over it and move on," when we are grieving.  How often do you hear people or yourself say, "Gosh.  It's been 3 months.  Shouldn't he/she be over this by now?"  The short answer is NO!  It takes as long as it takes!
"Don't let anyone take your grief away from you.  You deserve it, and you must have it.  If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until it was healed.  If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run in a marathon next week.  Grief is a major wound.  It does not heal overnight.  You must have time and the crutches until you can heal."  Doug Manning (who wrote the book, DON'T TAKE MY GRIEF AWAY).

SAME LOSS, DIFFERENT OUTLOOKS

Oops!  I didn't even realize that I had forgotten to post yesterday, so today's post is extra long, you lucky duckies you!
Think about this:  you're inside your home, looking outside at new snow falling- lots of it!  You might say to yourself," Oh crap!  It's going to be a mess to drive in!"  OR  you might say, "Look how beautiful it is!  Looks like a picture postcard!"  Same event, different attitude.
The same  holds true of loss.  I have two examples.  The first:  When Princess Diana was getting a divorce, Sir Robert Fellowes, the Queen's private secretary said to Diana:  "I wanted to ring just to say good luck for this difficult day ahead.  It is a tragic end to a wonderful story." Lady Diana's response: "Oh no!  It's the beginning of a new chapter.  And remember, Robert, I do still love my husband.  That will never change."  Look how she CHOSE to interpret her loss!
Another example is with Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter.  After Mr. Carter's defeat in 1980, he said, "Once I was convinced, correctly or not, that we had done our best, then it was easier to move on to other things."  Mrs. Carter said, "We had done all we could, and somehow, it had not been enough."
It's up to you to decide your own path.

WHO NEEDS WORDS?

I often hear people say, "I just don't know what to say (to grievers)."  Sometimes, in fact more often than not, a touch or a hug is more important than any words that could be spoken.  Robert Foster, was a Secret Service agent walking alongside the car in which Caroline Kennedy was riding during her father's funeral procession. He has said,
"I couldn't take away her pain, but for a mile and a half, I could share it with her."

KEEP THE DECEASED ALIVE!

Often, I hear (well meaning) people who are fearful of bringing up the name of the deceased, for fear that that will make the survivors sad. Want to know what REALLY makes the survivors sad?  It's when people DON'T mention their loved one's name!  No one wants to be forgotten!  "People aren't dead until you stop saying their name and stop telling stories about them."  Harold Ivan Smith.

CLOSURE, SCHMOSURE!

Eliminate the word "closure" when you're talking to people who are grieving.  "You close on a house.  You don't close on a death."  Said by Peggy Broxterman, whose son died in the Oklahoma City bombing.

ONE QUOTE A DAY

My photographer daughter used to do something really unique and creative.  No matter where she was in the world, she would always take one polaroid a day!  So, I am taking an idea from her and instead of photos, I am posting one quote or one idea a day.   As a grief educator for over 25 years, I have attended (and still do, especially now that I can access them online!) more seminars and conferences than I can count!  I have always been frustrated that I have so much material at my fingertips, but no where to dispense it.......until now!  I have not been very good at keeping up with my blog on a regular basis, so I thought just writing one quote or idea a day would be manageable for me and probably more interesting for anyone who happens to read it!  My hope is that my followers will actually look forward to my daily quotes, because they will be able to apply them to their own lives and they will be the richer for it.  So here goes!  The one for today- January 3, 2011- and by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!
"If I haven't TOLD you what I'm feeling, you DON'T KNOW what I'm feeling!" by Sue Chance.  Don't say to someone, "I know exactly what you're feeling, " because you don't!!
See you back here tomorrow!