REFRAMING

Reframing can't change the facts, but it can change our opinion or perspective about things.  "It is not the things themselves which trouble us, but the opinion that we have about these things."  Epistetus.

MOVING FORWARD

"One benchmark of a completed grief pattern is when the person is able to think of the deceased without debilitating pain.  There is always a sense of sadness when you think of someone you have loved and lost, but it is a different kind of sadness- it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had."   J. William Worden

HAVE NO REGRETS

Don't be at the end of your life and have to say, "I wish I had......"
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."  Harriet Beecher Stowe

TAGGING ON TO YESTERDAY'S TOPIC

"You want to know who helped me?  That's easy.  It wasn't the folks with the answers or the folks with the cliches or platitudes or advice.  No!  It was those wonderful people who listened all the way to the end of my sentences even when my sentences did not have periods.  It was those precious people who let me sob and slobber and wail and moan and who simply sat with me staring into the bottom of empty coffee cups as if the answers I needed might be hiding there.  It was those who listened and nodded, patted and hugged, and wept and waited with me for this active season called grief to end."  Harold Ivan Smith

HELP!

Have you ever caught yourself saying to a griever or heard others say to you, "Wow.  You are handling this so well!"  Unfortunately, this may be far from the truth!  Grievers often put up these fronts for two reasons:
1) admitting that they need help makes them feel too vulnerable and/or
2) if they did fall apart in front of others, the "others" might become very uncomfortable and not know what to do!  Think about it:  Grievers put up a front to make OTHERS feel more comfortable, when they are the ones who are grieving!  How bassackwards is that??  If grievers really do want help, then they cannot put out these false signals that they are doing well, thank you very much!  If they do, indeed, want help, then they need to ask for it.  They are then doing others a favor by giving them a practical, tangible way to reach out to them, the grievers.  This is best illustrated in Pooh's Little Instruction Book by Milne and Shephard:
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes."

FORGIVENESS

"Forgiveness is important work for a griever.  Forgiveness and grief go together like sweet and sour or salt and pepper....... Forgiving is
'for giving.'  It releases us from the exhausting work of lugging around a grudge like homeless people carrying their belongings."
Harold Ivan Smith

CRYING IS A GOOD THING!

We may all be from different cultures and backgrounds, but we all speak the same language when it comes to crying.
"What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul."  Leo Rosten

THERE'S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

"It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet, we squeeze by with, 'How are you?' and 'I'm fine.'
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.  We talk about work.
We talk about everything else-except the elephant in the room.
There's an elephant in the room.  We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.  For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.  Oh, please say 'Barbara' again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death, perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, 'Barbara' and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, you are leaving me
Alone......In a room.....
With an elephant."
Terry Kittering

BECOMING AN ORPHAN

"We tend to associate the word, 'orphan,' with children but the reality is that anyone who has no surviving parents is really an orphan."  Dr. Dana Cable.  Often, the first question asked when an adult's parent has died is, "How old was he/she?"  Then, people go on to say, "Well, at least he/she lived a long life," but "it doesn't matter how long our parents lived.  At death, their lives haven't seemed long enough."  Jane Brooks

TUCK EVERLASTING

This is a great little movie about life and death.  It poses the question:  if you could live forever, would you?  Some of the characters will live forever and this is what they said:
"We're like rocks stuck at the side of a stream.  We're not living.  We just ARE."
"You can't have living without dying.  Don't be afraid of death.  Be afraid of the unlived life."
"You don't have to live forever.  You just have to live!"

GIVING YOU A FEW DAYS REST

I don't know if I have any readers that follow this on a daily basis, but just in case I do, I need to let you know that I will not be able to blog until the weekend.  Stay safe and warm!!  I'll see you back here soon.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all......
It comes with bitterest agony.......
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better......
And yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true,
Will make you feel less miserable now."
Abraham Lincoln- (Three of his sons died:  Edward, age 4, William, age 11 and Thomas, age 18).

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Alot of people mistakenly think that grief is reserved for death only, but nothing could be further from the truth.  People, and their loved ones, who are dealing with chronic and/or terminal illness are also experiencing profound grief and loss:  loss of certainty, of freedom to leave the house, of independence, of privacy, of a mutual relationship, of a good night's sleep, of comfort, just to name a few!  Our culture allows and expects public mourning when an actual death occurs, but not so much before; therefore, we are left to grieve privately and in isolation.  In fact, this is what we often hear:  "At least you had time to grieve and say good-bye.  What if he/she had died suddenly?"  Well, it's not as black and white as others are led to believe.  Therese Rando states some of the issues that the anticipatory griever is up against: "powerlessness, fear, uncertainty, confusion: violations of the assumptive world, ongoing losses, personal depletion from the stress arising from demands for major readaptations and investments of self, time and finances, longterm family disruption and disorganization, opposing needs, competing demands, clashing responsibilities, guilt, sorrow, depression, anger, hostility, anxiety......"  "Rando also believes that a person experiencing the constant threat of one's own or a loved one's death, by way of a terminal illness, constitutes the clinical criteria for PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome)."   Jennifer Allen, in an article she wrote, called THE LONG ROAD, also states that "anticipatory grief mandates a delicate balance between staying close and letting go-all at the same time.  Paradox and contradiction run rampant in anticipatory grief."  Death, whether sudden or spread out over time, is no piece of cake either way, but by learning and understanding anticipatory grief, hopefully, we will have more compassion for loved ones who are, indeed, grieving, even though there has been no funeral.

HOSPICE: WHAT A WAY TO GO!

I'm learning to become a Hospice volunteer, and the more I learn about it, the more I'm itching to get out there and get my hands dirty.  The most important thing to know is that they want to help others die with dignity, peace and comfort..... preferably in their own homes, surrounded by the things and the people they love. BOTH the patient AND the family are surrounded with a caring team. The goal is no longer one of cure, but of comfort care. One writer explains, "hospice is a movement, not a place and helps people LIVE while they are dying.  It bathes their wasting bodies, combs their thinning hair, loves them unreservedly, diminishes their pain, sees to their joy and improves their ending lives as if to do so were an honor rather than a chore."  Hospice treats patients as people, not as diseases. I also love this:  "Hospice workers think that the top sheets and bottom sheets should match, even if the patient can no longer see; hospice workers explain the purpose of every shot and suppository, even if the patient can no longer hear; hospice workers don't offer false hope to a patient, nor do they say, 'Eat, you have to eat or you won't get better.'  Lastly, this is a wonderful testimonial from a patient:  "I went to the hospital to be cured and I almost died.  I went to the hospice to die and I lived."  To die with dignity and with as much choice as we can render- isn't that how we would all like our final exits to be?
All quotes are taken from the book, IMPERFECT CONTROL by Judith Viorst.

YES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

No one wants to think about one's own death, but if you want to have some control over what happens at the end, you're going to have to think about dying before you die!  Here is what a monk, Thomas Kempis, wrote in the 15th CENTURY!
"Your time here is short, very short; take a look at the way in which you spend it....Perhaps, before now, you've seen a man die?  Remember, then, that you have got the same road to travel....If you hope to live well and wisely, try to be, here and now, the man you would want to be on your deathbed."
As bizarre as this may sound, it really isn't bizarre at all: write your own obituary.  Think about when you are gone and what you would like it to say.  How would you like to be remembered?  By your accomplishments, successes and titles?  Or would you like to be remembered for your character and how you gave of yourself to your family, friends, community and society?
By writing your own obituary, you realize what really matters to you.  If you're not happy with what you write, the good thing is that you still have choices and you can still make changes to create the life that more closely resembles the life of that wonderful person in your obituary.

SHORT AND SWEET

"Just think how happy you'd be if you lost everything and everyone you have right now.....and then, somehow got them back again."  Kobi Yamada

THAT HORRIBLE GUILT!

So often, when a loved one dies, the survivors feel guilty.  A common refrain is: "If only....."  It can become quite overwhelming.  We might replay events 1,000 or more times in our minds, searching, searching for the answer to the question, "why?"  We must remember that we are human and we must try to forgive ourselves for making mistakes, as well as for not having a crystal ball where we could see into the future.  Sure, things seem clear now, but they probably weren't then.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  Remember this, "If you could have, you would have.  If you had known what was going to happen in the future, you would have changed the present so you wouldn't have to live in the past.  Trust that.  Believe it!" Darcie Sims

WE ALL NEED SUPPORT

No one should grieve alone.  The problem, tho, is that grievers are afraid to ASK for help and friends don't know HOW to help.  Harold Ivan Smith, has wonderful things to say about this topic:
1.  When someone says to you, "You can't understand what I'm going through, because you've never lost a child (spouse, etc.),"  we can then respond with, "I will never understand unless you tell me what it's like to be you."
2.  "Sometimes people tell me......"
3.  Lastly, Dr. Smith asks a poignant question: "When you can't see the cables on a bridge because of fog, you know the supports are still there.  Who are your "cables?"