ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Alot of people mistakenly think that grief is reserved for death only, but nothing could be further from the truth.  People, and their loved ones, who are dealing with chronic and/or terminal illness are also experiencing profound grief and loss:  loss of certainty, of freedom to leave the house, of independence, of privacy, of a mutual relationship, of a good night's sleep, of comfort, just to name a few!  Our culture allows and expects public mourning when an actual death occurs, but not so much before; therefore, we are left to grieve privately and in isolation.  In fact, this is what we often hear:  "At least you had time to grieve and say good-bye.  What if he/she had died suddenly?"  Well, it's not as black and white as others are led to believe.  Therese Rando states some of the issues that the anticipatory griever is up against: "powerlessness, fear, uncertainty, confusion: violations of the assumptive world, ongoing losses, personal depletion from the stress arising from demands for major readaptations and investments of self, time and finances, longterm family disruption and disorganization, opposing needs, competing demands, clashing responsibilities, guilt, sorrow, depression, anger, hostility, anxiety......"  "Rando also believes that a person experiencing the constant threat of one's own or a loved one's death, by way of a terminal illness, constitutes the clinical criteria for PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome)."   Jennifer Allen, in an article she wrote, called THE LONG ROAD, also states that "anticipatory grief mandates a delicate balance between staying close and letting go-all at the same time.  Paradox and contradiction run rampant in anticipatory grief."  Death, whether sudden or spread out over time, is no piece of cake either way, but by learning and understanding anticipatory grief, hopefully, we will have more compassion for loved ones who are, indeed, grieving, even though there has been no funeral.