WHAT A SEND-OFF!

All too often, funerals, wakes and homes where grievers gather to pay their respects are sad and depressing with  lots of tears, muffled sobs and voices nearly heard above a whisper. However, there are others who choose to honor their deceased in a far different manner: with tears of laughter, funny stories and shared memories that really showcase the personality of the one who died.  I love the latter!  I leave the ceremony appreciating so much more about the person than I did when I arrived.  In fact, I so wish that I had known these things when he/she was alive!  When my father-in-law died almost 20 years ago now, my son, who was 16 at the time, was asked by his grandmother if he would like to give the eulogy.  He was more than honored to do so.  We're talking 16 here (!) and in front of a huge crowd, as his grandfather was a bigshot physician in the community.  Well, Adam blew the crowd away!  No one else could have captured his grandpa's mannerisms, expressions and personality in the way that Adam did.  Everyone laughed and nodded their heads as if to say, "Yep!  That was Henry!"  I will never forget it and hopefully, no one else will, either.
Along those same lines, the father of my Significant Other ( my "SO") died recently and the dear, sweet wife of Jack (the deceased) came up with a brilliant idea.  She asked her sons and grandsons to each wear one of Jack's ties to the funeral.  The best part was that they each got to choose one that they remembered him wearing, so there was that extra special connection.  Then, for the reception afterwards, she had wanted all four of her/their sons to wear one of the many caps without which Jack was never seen!  (They were like golfer's caps or French berets).  Then, one of Jack's daughters piggybacked on this idea and inquired as to whether all the GRANDsons could also participate, so they went into Jack's closet, and lo and behold!  He had 44 caps!!!  No one knew it, not even his wife!  They were plaid, corduroy, wool, cashmere, patterned, solid, loud, muted, everything and anything!!!  What a fabulous tribute it was to see Jack's kids and grandkids all wearing his caps.  Pat (Jack's wife), then graciously let everyone keep the tie and hat that he had chosen to wear. You should see the group pictures taken of this sight!  What a joy!  My hat -pun intended!-  is off to this amazing grieving widow who thought of such an endearing way to say good-bye.
 One last thing.  Although almost everyone was wearing black, Pat chose to wear a beautiful purple suit!  How I loved that!  So much so, that I called my kids and told them that for my funeral (hopefully, one day far, far away!!) I don't anyone wearing black!!  I love bright colors!  How flattered I would be to look out (because I truly believe I will be watching!) to see everyone I love, celebrating my life, in the way that I, myself, lived it- surrounded by color, joy and gratefulness for having had them all in my life!

WHAT I READ AT MY "FATHER-IN-LAW'S" FUNERAL

This was written a century ago by Henry Scott Holland, a professor of divinity at Oxford University:
"Death is nothing at all- I have only slipped away into the next room.  I am I, and you are you.  Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.  Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.  Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.  Laugh at the little jokes we enjoyed together.  Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.  Let it be spoken without the ghost of a shadow on it.  Life means all that it ever meant.....there is absolutely unbroken continuity.  I am waiting for you-somewhere near just around the corner.
All is well."

DEATH OF A "PARENT"

I've talked here before about disenfranchised grievers (refer to my October 19, 2011 post about grieving for an ex-spouse).  These are grievers not recognized by society, for one reason or another, and I am one of those.  I have been with my Signficant Other (otherwise known as my SO) for over 10 years now, happily unmarried.  Unfortunately, there is no term for middle aged couples, who are together, but not married.  "Girlfriend" is too young; "Significant other" is a mouthful;
"Lover" is too personal; "Spousal equivalent" is lame, etc. etc.  So........ when his dad died suddenly last week, much to his mother's dismay, I was not mentioned in the obituary with all of the other family members (how adorable that this woman who just became a widow worried a single second about this issue!!)  Truly, I was not upset.  I told her that I am not a member of the family, altho I have always been made to feel as if I am!  (My SO's family is absolutely awesome, in every way!)  My SO's ex-wife was also at the funeral, because she has maintained a good relationship with his family (I told you his family was amazing!)  She, being an ex-spouse, is also a disenfranchised griever.  But the death of a man that we ALL knew and loved brought us together, not only to grieve, but to honor his life and his name.  No label is necessary.  Rest in peace, Jack.

THE TWILIGHT IN OUR LIVES

 The Babylonian Talmud states, "for twilight lasts but for the blink of an eye: night enters, and day departs."  We have all used the expression, "in the blink of an eye......." referring to experiences such as how fast our kids have grown up (it SEEMED like we blinked and then they were adults!) or how an accident or a medical diagnosis changed our lives on a dime.  Rabbi David Stern of Dallas, Texas wrote an interesting article in his Temple's newsletter, concerning the transition of time, between night and day and the topic of death.  "If [our loved ones] have struggled with debilitating illness of mind or body, we say they were not themselves long before the last breath left them-sometimes the twilight seems sorrowfully long and we say, 'She left us long ago.'  And sometimes life is snuffed out in an instant, at the height of someone's powers.  And we wish there had been any twilight at all- even the blink of an eye.  And we weep our tears on our long paths and in our shattered instants.  And we find our way in the inexorable rhythm of things:  'Night enters and day departs.'  My wish in 2012 is that you relish every twilight you are privileged to enjoy.