GRIEVING AN EX-SPOUSE

There is a loss known to grief professionals as "disenfranchised grief."  This is a grief that is not sanctioned by society; there is a stigma attached and therefore, societal support is either negligable or non-existent.  Examples of grievers who are not supported when a loss occurs would be: prison inmates (or their families), partners of gays or lesbians (altho fortunately, this is changing), women who have abortions and ex-spouses.
   Yesterday, I attended a funeral for the ex of a good friend of mine.  For many years, when my friend, J., (and I) were married, we spent alot of good times together as couples.  Unfortunately, we both divorced, (within two years of each other), but we both remained on good terms with our ex-spouses.  I think I have blogged about this topic before, altho I'm too lazy to look back and read what I wrote (!), but the dilemma came front and center again yesterday at this funeral.
   As I watched J. sitting next to her fiance, wiping away her tears near the coffin of her ex, I couldn't help but feel her pain.  We were both burying (literally) part of our past, over 30 years worth, I, as a friend, she, as an ex-wife. Not only that, but I couldn't help but think what it would be like if, G-d forbid!- I had to attend the funeral of MY ex.  There would be so many other factors entering into my situation:  my ex is remarried and I have been in a long term relationship, just to mention a few variables.  To be honest, I would be absolutely devastated if he died ahead of me, so how would that play out with the significant others we have welcomed into our lives since our divorce?  I can just see it now.  People in attendance would see me grief stricken and would think to themselves (or to others), "If she's so upset, why did they divorce in the first place?"
  This, my friends, is what disenfranchised grief is all about!  Tongues click and people judge.........when they have no right to do so!  Unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes, then, here's a heads up,  please keep your judgments and opinions to yourselves.  Better yet, don't even go there in the first place!  Don't pretend to know for whom each person is allowed to grieve.  Each and every relationship is personal and no matter how things appear on the outside, none of us has a clue as to what goes on in the inside......as well we shouldn't.  Grievers have enough to deal with.  Let's not burden them more with what we feel is appropriate or not.  We have no clue.