FIRSTS CAN BE TOUGH!

   Thanksgiving for my extended family this year is going to be different than ever before: 1) my sister is expecting 44 guests, which is stressful and chaotic enough (!) but, one by one, her kids and grandkids are coming down with the flu!  2) my parents will be by themselves for the very first time, because traveling is too taxing for them now.  Although they could care less (they say, "it's only one day, like New Year's Eve ), we, their kids, feel tremendous guilt;  3) I am hosting my ex-husband and his other family for the first time, so it should be an interesting experience for all;  4) one of my brothers is newly divorced, and is fortunate to be able to go to his daughter's house, out of town, but it will be weird and sad for him to be solo.  Lots of firsts for us.   Firsts can be very exciting and yet, they can also be very scary.  These are all examples of how loss does not only mean death, but the loss of how life used to be.  So many families will be experiencing "firsts," and not in a good way. They want to do things as they have always done them, but their situations and their lives have changed.  The familiar is now unfamiliar.  What traditions should they keep and which should they discard?  It can be so overwhelming.  How do people look forward when they can't help but look back and see what they've lost?  Why do the holidays seem to accentuate our losses?  Please stay tuned for my next blog.  In the meantime, try to have a joyous Thanksgiving, in the best way you know how.

THE HOLIDAYS- PART 2

As an avid people watcher, I actually like all the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  It's life out of the ordinary:  I see lots of grandparents visiting from out of town, kids are out of school, grocery store tables are stacked at the ends of the aisles with the traditional foods, so that you don't have to go around looking for every item yourself,  people are actually consulting grocery lists, even on their cell phones (especially men, who are calling their other halves, while standing in an aisle, to ask, "which one do I get?" This always brings a smile to my face!), gyms are half full, while retail stores are fuller, etc.  It's an interesting phenomenon every year, isn't it?  On the other hand, there are lots of  people, who are anything but merry.  They are trying to "pull it all off" in time, or even trying to pull it all off at all, because they are hurting or grieving.  You have to look really hard to see these people, because they usually have their "normal" masks on to blend in with everyone and everything.  They don't want to stand out, but, inside, they may be silently screaming or crying, saying, "Life isn't fair!"  The holidays are now dreaded and feared, whereas they used to be looked forward to with anticipation.  A wife or husband may now be a widow or widower; a parent may be a bereaved parent, a child who had a sibling may now be an only child- they are different, their world is different and the way society responds to them is different.  They may be asking themselves, "How can the world still be so jovial and full of light when the light in MY world has gone out?"  I remember this exact thing happening to me many, many years ago.  My husband was terribly hurt by a drunk driver, we were in a strange city, where we knew no one, and it was this time of year.  My two small children and I left the hospital and were in a state of shock.  At the hotel, there were Christmas carolers, brightly colored Christmas trees, and frivolity. What had just happened?  What do we do?  Will he be OK?  I can still see the scene of the carolers as if it was yesterday and still remember thinking, "How can this be?  How can all this happiness be all around us, when we've just had our world turn upside down?" Thank goodness for us, he came out of this 100%, but that's not to say that the scars, both physical and emotional, ever completely go away. My advice to anyone reading this is just be aware that not everyone is happy right now.  Open your hearts and minds to those who are in terrible pain.  Give them a long embrace, drop them a note or an email, call to check in- just relay to them, in one way or another, that you are thinking of them and that you care..........as busy as you might be, celebrating.

FROM THANKSGIVING TO CHRISTMAS- HELP!!

Holidays can be tricky.  They conjur up memories and traditions from our childhoods- our families-of-origin- as well as memories and traditions we initiated in the families that we created ourselves, with our children and grandchildren.  Each person's journey has been unique and when trying to combine everyone's unique journey to make it one incredible journey, pleasing to all, well, that's a tall order to fill and one ripe with unrealistic expectations and disappointments!  So, here, the first of many columns to follow, are a few pointers to help both grievers and non-grievers not only get through the holidays, but actually enjoy them!
1.  If you are experiencing sadness and loss, acknowledge those feelings, but also be open to the possibilities that you can and will enjoy moments of happiness during this time.
2. If you had a recent death, you may just be trying to survive.  That's OK.  Instead of trying to do things as you always have, you could still do something, only on a much simpler scale.  Set aside traditions that are too taxing for you, and just keep one or two that are most important to you and your family.
3. "A wonderful thing about the holidays is that they encourage us to remember those we love." (Alan Wolfelt)  Even though it may hurt to remember, it makes our loved ones live on when we actively remember them.  Talk about them.  Bring up their names.  Laugh and tell funny stories about them.  Then, they will never really be gone.
4.  Give yourself permission to be different from the person you were before the loss, because you are.  Maybe you used to love the holidays and now you dread them.  Acknowledge the fact that things have changed. In the future, you will be able to also see the positive changes that have occurred in both you and your life, but take one step at a time.
5. Friends and family may want to reach out and help you at this time, but they are not sure how to do so.  Try to be honest and tell them what you want or need at this time.  If you don't want to do some of the things that you did before, tell them that it's too painful for you at this time.  Try to come up with something else, or allow others to suggest some alternatives.  In this way, you will be taking a proactive role in helping others to help you.
6.  Try not to be alone during the holidays.  More than ever, you need the love and support of those who really care about you.  By isolating yourself, you are setting yourself up for loneliness and depression.
These pointers are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dealing with holiday grief.  I have so many more!!  Please check back often, as my next few blogs will all be discussing this topic.  And if you are not a griever, but care about people who are grieving, these will help you be a better support system for them, not only through the holidays but always.

BIRTHDAYS AREN'T DREADED OVER HERE!

I was going to continue to blog about holidays and grief, but please allow me to digress this once to comment on my birthday, yesterday.  I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!!!  I told my son that I feel like I am alive at my own funeral!  He didn't much care for the analogy, but he totally understood, considering my life work.  Ha!  I mean, really, I think I spent the entire day, either on the phone, or on Facebook, reading all the birthday wishes or receiving texts or opening cards, (that had arrived earlier in the week, but I wouldn't allow myself to open them until THE day!)  Wanna know the best part?  I stayed in my PJ's the entire day!!  I love Sundays like that, birthday or not!  I have learned not to apologize or to feel guilty for enjoying such carefree days.  As much as I love the feeling of accomplishing something, I also love the feeling of staying present, not rushing to get somewhere else, while totally missing out on the here and now.  Being here, at home, surrounded by loved ones, not necessarily in the flesh but in spirit because of modern technology........that, to me, is what life is REALLY all about! NOTHING is more important than relishing the love, basking in it, bathing in it, smothering myself in it!  In fact, when everything died down and the phone stopped ringing in the evening, it was so quiet!  Too quiet!!  Where did everyone go?  Back to their lives, of course.  But me?  I was so much different from the person I was when I awoke that morning, because I knew more than ever before, how loved I am!   And yes, I'm older.  But my goodness gracious, I will gladly pay that price to learn that so many people are happy that I was born!  When I receive words such as these from my son, who wrote, "You are the greatest Mom in the history of the world!" (I haven't even received his gift and card yet, so this is only a small sample of what is surely to come, just from past experience!) and from my daughter, who wrote in a book she bought me, called, LOVE LIFE: "You are unique, exuberant and a breath of air, a ray of sun.  You love life, you live life and you are SO important to my life, " or from her sweet husband, "You exemplify loving life.  And you have given that gift to your children," and cards and written words that brought tears to my eyes from my siblings and parents...........well, do I mind getting older?  Not if it means I can have another year, and another and another and another, hopefully, to be embraced by friends and family!!  I'll take it!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON CAN BE TOUGH

As soon as the Halloween candy has been (literally) thrown into half- price bins at the stores and the shelves have been restocked with everything red and green, tension and stress come to the forefront.  With whom do we spend Thanksgiving?  His family?  Her family?  Both?  And in the case of divorce, things get twice as complicated!  No, actually 4 times as complicated, if EACH partner comes from a divorced family!  How much turkey and stuffing can one person eat, for heaven's sakes?!  By trying to please everyone and go to each house (if we are fortunate enough to have them all in the same city, which is not often the case) then we, ourselves, are overloaded, exhausted and STRESSED!  Those TV commercials of calm and laughter and/ or those Hallmark cards of one big happy family just seem to make us feel even worse, because aren't we supposed to be looking forward to spending time with our loved ones? Yes, but.............!!!
    This year is going to be a first for my family.  I am hosting Thanksgiving, as I always do, only this time, I am having my ex-husband, his wife and stepson!  Fortunately, he and I have remained on good terms since our divorce 10 years ago, but it took us 10 years to get to this place of celebrating a holiday together!  Our kids are thrilled, to say the least.  The amazing thing is that our partners aren't opposed to the idea and that's even better!  What would make the picture perfect would be if my partner's daughter, Jenny, would also be at the table with us, but her mother is hosting a big family hoopla and so Jenny will be with her.  No matter how hard we tried to have everyone, no matter how many different options we tried- changing the time, changing the day, come for dessert instead of dinner, etc.- we weren't able to make it perfect.  And that's the key to holiday planning, everyone:  don't try to make things perfect!!  Do the best you can, but don't make yourselves crazy with unrealistic expectations, because that will only bring disappointment and heartache.  One other thing that worked for us is that our kids are all old enough to include them in the discussions, so that they all felt a part of the decisions being made.  If you can, ask your kids what they would like and then come up with joint solutions that are a good compromise for everyone.  Explain to them that as much as we would like things to be perfect, or as much as we would like things to be the way they used to be, they cannot..... but that's not saying that they can't still be wonderful!!
  I will be writing my next few blogs on this topic of the holidays, and what a mixed bag they can be!  Please check in often to get some insight and suggestions on how you can still celebrate, although you may not be "feeling it."  In the meantime, remember rule #1- keep your expectations realistic!!

"APPRECIATE ME!"

As we all know, relationships, like grief, make for some wild roller coaster rides!  One day, we're up and feeling great about our partners and the next day, we want our other halves, not only out of the house, but off the planet!  It can be exhausting!  I came across a funny little story from one of my favorite books, FIGHT LESS, LOVE MORE by Laurie Puhn that will put a smile on your face, I hope.  A column on grief especially needs to have some humor every now and again!
"A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'  The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'  Anonymous.

LET'S STEP BACK A MINUTE

Lately, it seems as if I've been going to too many funerals and/or hearing about too many CONTEMPORARIES (middle agers) having serious illnessnesses and disabilities.  Of course, it's scary.  It reminds me of the child's game, musical chairs.  One by one, people are having to drop out of the game (of life) and one of these days, it will be my turn.  After all, death really IS just a matter of taking turns, isn't it?  For myself, working in the field of death and dying, I am only too aware of the shortness of life, but I actually love how it also keeps me aware, on a daily basis, of how valuable each and every moment is.
   And I guess this is why it really irritates me when I see people, especially HEALTHY people, squandering this valuable GIFT of time and obsessing over unimportant things, like having another birthday (one friend said of her 65th birthday that she didn't even want to acknowledge it!) or wishing our arms or legs weren't so flabby, etc.  I ran into an old acquaintance last weekend, close to my age, who was on a walker and I asked her what happened, thinking she had had a knee replacement or something).  She had had her leg amputated!!  I almost fell over from shock!  Talk about knocking me upside the head with a reality check!  I'm just as guilty as most of you and most of our society out there about wishing my aging body was youthful again- firm, tight, no cellulite, no flab, no wrinkles- but then I see so many wounded soldiers coming home as amputees, who WISH that they had arms or legs to get flabby, or I run into acquaintances who have immense physical challenges and I stop my whining........immediately!
  One of the most common mantras I hear when people get "bad news" is, "Boy!  That really put things in perspective.  Things that I thought were so important, just aren't anymore."  Come on, people!  Let's not wait for bad news to wake us up.  Let's set our own alarm clocks to jangle us awake everyday.  And I don't mean an alarm with soft music, either, because that will just become background noise and you'll fall back into your reverie of sweating the small stuff.  I suggest you get yourselves an alarm that blasts you awake, so that you CAN'T fall back to sleep!   As we approach this holiday season of gift giving, let's realize that we possess the most important gift of all:  life.