WHERE DO ADULT "KIDS" CALL HOME?

     My 30 something "kids" just came home, after having been gone for 5 months....... too long a period of time to be gone from Mom and Dad.  I know that they missed us just as much as we missed them, but when they bought their plane tickets to come back here, did they say to their friends that they were coming "home" or if not home, what did they say?  Neither of them has lived here since they left for college, so although this may be the city in which they grew up, it's not the city in which they've lived their lives as adults.

   I have had the same dilemma.  I was born and raised in Ohio, but only 4 years after graduating college, I moved away, never to return except for visits.  I loved living there, when I did, but that is not home to me and hasn't been for a very long time.  When did I stop calling Ohio home?  I honestly don't remember, but I do know that it's been many, many years.

   When I do return for reunions or infrequent visits, I miss it so.  I miss the trees, my siblings and friends, the house in which I grew up, the old familiar neighborhoods, all my schools from elementary through high school, and what I think I especially miss is my youth and all the fabulous memories that came with my first 21 years.

   I wonder what my kids think when they come back to Texas?  Although neither child was born here, we moved here when they were babies.  (There's a Texas saying:  "I wasn't born here, but I got here as fast as I could!" That would be us!)  Unlike myself, they went far away to summer camp every year, from the time they were 11 years old.  Then, they both went out of state to college, so they had lots more opportunities to leave home, before they officially left home, if you get my drift!

   Now, they both live on opposite coasts of the USA with we parents in the middle.  Their professions are thriving, which is awesome, but that also means that it would be difficult for either one to ever come back to Texas to settle down permanently.  It's not out of the question, because we all talk about it alot, but it's not likely in the near future, if at all.  I sometimes ask myself, "Why did we send them away to camp and to college and to Israel, Spain and Italy (where they lived for short periods of time)?  Did we make them so independent that they don't feel the need to come back to Texas?"  But then, I stop and realize, "Hey!  I never went back home, either!"

    It's all a part of growing up.  I'll never forget something that I read years ago about parenting:  "The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job."  I did.  We did.  We raised them both to be independent, intelligent, caring and sensitive individuals.  As fun as they were to nurture on a daily basis, now, although not daily or at home, they are just as much fun to interact with as young adults.  Oh, the conversations that we get into!  Talk about independent!  We can't even broach the subject of politics!  But their independent ways of thinking and living make me proud as a peacock!  

    Even though they may never come back to Texas to live permanently, I do know that they will always take home with them in their hearts and souls, wherever they may be, just as I have and always will.

  Happy sad tears!

STILL LEARNING AT MIDDLE AGE!

    Being middle aged has its' challenges.  On the one hand, we may be free of day to day parenting (altho with multiple marriages now, this might not even be true!), we're feeling free to travel or try totally new ventures, but then two things get in the way:  our bodies start to show wear and tear and may need replacement parts (!) and our parents become elderly and need our help more than ever before.  Gail Sheehy calls it the "collision of life stages."
    As with all of life, it's our attitude that makes the difference.  We can either look upon this period as a drag or as a blessing (or a mixture of both!)  I will choose to look at the bright side, since I am a notorious optimist.  This is an opportunity to reconnect with our parents, sharing strengths and vulnerabilities that we weren't able to or wouldn't allow ourselves to do, before now.
   No doubt about it, tho, it's a real learning curve!  Our parents have always taken care of US, worried about US, given US advice and now, the tables have turned.  It's almost like THEY are the kids and WE are the adults!  That mind shift can be mind numbing.
   I'm in the midst of this now myself, along with several of my friends.  The common denominator with us is that our parents don't live anywhere near us.  How do we protect and take care of them when we are so far away?  Move them closer to us and take them out of their familiar surroundings?  One friend has chosen this route and feels as if she is taking care of an infant, because her 95 year old dad is, understandably, like a fish out of water and totally at her mercy.  He's not happy and neither is she, (for now), but she felt this was the best choice, rather than his being alone, so far away.  The worst part for her is that before he made the move, at her insistence, she had finally retired, after working all of her adult life, and she was ready to PLAY!  Unfortunately, recess has been postponed.
    My parents, on the other hand, are struggling with health issues,  none of their kids lives in the same city and my folks refuse to move.  They always valued their independence.  They chose to move away from their kids and grandkids, to live in a warmer climate where they could enjoy my dad's retirement.  That worked for many years..... but it's not working now.  They still have their independence, they still have the warm climate, but now my dad is the sole caregiver of my mother, who is losing her memory......and he's 92!
   So, we siblings are doing the best we can by visiting our folks more than we ever have before and skyping, so we can actually see that they are OK and not just hear them say so on the phone.  My dad is wonderful at keeping in touch by email, which is a real gift, but sometimes his words break my heart and I can't give him the hug that he so needs at that moment.
   And being the ages that we, ourselves, are, we have our own set of issues:  my one brother just became an empty nester of an only child and is struggling with that life transition, my sister is having a partial knee replacement, my other brother is working middle of the night shifts and I am trying to get all of my parents' papers and affairs in order, feeling that I'm in a race against the clock, so I'm peddling as fast as I can.  
    So, as much as middle age can be an exciting time where we might learn new skills, get involved in new causes, learn a new language, run for office, write a book, enjoy our grandchildren, start a new business, etc., it can also be a time when our hopes and new dreams might suddenly  have to do an about face.  Either a significant other, our parents or even ourselves may need serious help.  Sheehy says, in her book, Passages in Caregiving, "The world of caregiving is initially as foreign to some people as life on another planet, yet, caregiving is a predictable crisis, a likely event so scary that we prefer to consider it unlikely."  But that time has come, for many of us, and I'm up for the challenge.  But please allow me to vent along the way!  And feel free to share your experiences, also!