SAY IT NOW, NOT AT THEIR FUNERAL!

  My father-in-law, Henry Saunders,  who died over 20 years ago,  was a well known and very well respected pediatrician in Cleveland.  Generations of families took their kids to him, which always made him proud that that was so.  Although he wasn’t a warm and fuzzy kind of guy, he was loved by all.  I definitely attribute my love of parenting and my interest in the study of  families, ( master’s degree in family studies) to him.  He didn’t just treat the kids physically, but he addressed the whole family, helping the parents to become better parents.  I loved observing how he did that, especially because that was not my experience as a child who went to a “scary” pediatrician.

   Dr. S. absolutely loved what he did.  I have never seen, before or since, a doctor on call, seven days a week, but he was.  The phone never stopped ringing- at his home!  And it never bothered him.  Because he loved his work and his patients so much, he would not retire…...until he finally did at the age of 80!  And when he did, there was a huge celebration for him at Case Western Reserve, put on by his patients, would you believe, where they named a scholarship after him.  The wonderful things that people said about him and to him made a big impression on me.  I remember thinking how great it was that he was alive to hear all these wonderful sentiments!!

    Ever since then, I have been on a silent mission.  I attend funerals, as do all of you, and I always think to myself how wonderful it would have been had the deceased been able to hear what people thought of him/her while he was still alive.  Not only that, but I usually come away from the service thinking that I wish I had KNOWN all these things about him while he/she was still alive.

   My younger brother, whom I have written about, is battling cancer now for the third time.  As awful as that is, he is fortunate in that he has a huge support system, because of his profession as a very well known DJ in Orlando.  He has decided to keep his listeners informed of his progress on his facebook page and on the radio’s website- (mix105.1/scott). Whenever he posts anything,  in a matter of minutes, he has hundreds (we’re talking 700 plus!!) of well wishers, saying the most unbelievable things!!  They make ME cry, so I can’t even imagine what they’re doing to Scott, and some of them are also multi generational listeners, just as with my father--in-law.  Scott is humbled, surprised and incredibly thankful to have so many people in his corner.

   I told him of my “living funeral” concept and how happy I am that he is alive to hear how loved he is.  As he battles back to health, he will have those dark days (hopefully, very few!), but he can always just prop up his laptop or ipad and read through all the lovely thoughts and feelings that his listeners, family and friends have for him.  Then, those dark clouds will part to allow in those rays of sunshine, his many supporters.

   My message here is not to make you throw a party for yourself, so that you can hear nice things, (well, on second thought…..) but to think of creative ways that you could let the ones you love, especially those who are ill or elderly, know now, before it’s too late,  that so many people love them and have been influenced by them in ways they never dreamed possible.  Can you just imagine what that would do for their spirits?  Hold their “funerals” now, so that when the time actually  does come for the funeral, even if it’s years and years in the future,  everything will have already been said…….and the deceased will have heard it!

WHO SUPPORTS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING?

    When we grieve, whether our loss be a death, divorce, move, retirement, health issues, aging or a hundred other losses, we realize that we can't do it alone.  We might start out wanting to go into hibernation mode, get into bed and pull the covers over our head, but that works only short term.  Eventually, we all learn that we need others to be there with and for us,  who will "sit in our puddle with us."  (thank you, Barb Petsel).
    As I travel this road of loss of health for several family of origin members, I am surprised, thrilled and disappointed- all at the same time- at my support system.  I would put my oldest friends into the lower, disappointing category,  a couple of newer friends into the surprising, but "glad to have ya!" category and move up to the highest rung possible, my siblings and kids.  My kids have always been #1 in my world, and they remain so, each and everyday of my life, so their support has always been and will always be stable, thank G-d!  My siblings and I (I have three), have always had a wonderful relationship with one another, but because we are spread out across the country, we didn't really stay in touch on a frequent basis.....until now.
    Our parents have just made a very traumatic, but necessary, move from Florida to Ohio and my mother's dementia has taken a downward turn with that.  Thank goodness that two of my siblings love close by to my parents' new abode, and go over there everyday to check in.  These siblings (a sister and brother), also write my other brother and myself, who both live out of state, daily journal entries by email that are both comical and poignant.  I'm disappointed when I don't see an email from them!   My sister, who never relished talking on the phone before any of this, actually called me two days in a row, early in the morning, to vent.  How I loved that!  I felt closer to her than I ever had before.
    A few years ago, we all made a pact with one another that we would remain a united front, when it came to anything having to do with our parents.  This isn't to say that we don't have different opinions, because we definitely do, but, but if that IS the case,  we always come to some kind of consensus.  It was so interesting and heartening, that with this move, we all just, almost naturally, took up our "command posts," in handling different aspects of the move:  furnishing their new apartment in Ohio, selling their house in Florida, working with the residential facility in Ohio or with the senior transition agency in Florida.  We all had our own responsibilities, but always, conferred with each other throughout it all, never having to handle anything alone.
    As if the move and dementia wasn't bad enough, unfortunately, our youngest brother found out, at the same time, that his cancer has returned for the third time.  Who do you think writes the funniest medical updates of anyone?  He does!!  Don't ever underestimate the power of humor with loss!  It is one of the best, but most unused tools that we have to get through grief.  It is such a vital aspect to maintaining one's sanity!  I cannot tell you how many times I have laughed through my tears!
    I have heard horror stories from other families and how adversity split them all apart, some permanently.  What a shame and a waste of life!  As we grow older, time and relationships become front and center and more valued than ever before.  For those of you who are "only children," and have had to bear your parents' medical problems, having no siblings with which to share your burden, I do hope that you have cousins or other important people in your life to be there for you and with you.  Family is not just the family you were born into.  It's also the one you created yourself with a spouse or partner, or the one you developed through friendships.  Whatever your family configuration, I hope that they are there for you, through the good times and the bad, because you cannot and should not travel this road alone.
   "When you can't see the cables on a bridge, because of fog, you know the supports are still there.  Who are your 'cables?'"  Harold Ivan Smith.

THE WISE WOMAN'S STONE (author unknown)

A wise woman was traveling in the mountains when she found a precious stone in a stream.  The next day she met another traveler who was hungry.  The wise woman opened her bag to share her food.  The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him, and she did so with no hesitation.  The traveler left rejoicing in his good fortune.  He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.  But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said.  "I know how valuable this stone is, but I must return it to you.  I hope that you can give me something even more precious.  Please, give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

THE ELDERLY WERE ONCE YOUNG

 For years, I have been fascinated by the aging process in men, particularly in soldiers.  With all of the recent (deserved) publicity about the 70th anniversary of the invasion at Normandy, I found myself staring at the pictures of some of the men who survived and are now in their 90’s.  Next to their recent photos,  are always shown the pictures of these same men when they were in their late teens and early 20’s, fighting for our country so valiantly.  They were so young!  And oh so brave!

  When I went to Israel, 15 years ago, our tour buses were privileged to be able to stop and have lunch with the Israeli soldiers and I’ll never forget what I thought at the time- “They’re so young!”  I had never had that opportunity to sit next to a room full of our own U.S. soldiers, so it never clicked that they, too, were, and are, also so young!

   I am extremely fortunate to still have my 95 year old dad around to ask questions about the war and his experiences.  He didn’t share them for years, but being the “inquisitor” that I am (his name for me!),  I finally got alot of them, all written down, for the family to pore over.   He shared how he landed on Normandy, 6 days after the initial invasion, and so many paratroopers were still hanging in the trees.  He was also one of the troops that liberated Dachau.  He was never able to go into much detail about that experience, understandably so.

  The Dateline show I recently watched with Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw, where several soldiers went back to Normandy with their families, was so emotional for them AND for me, the viewer.  They all recounted their experiences with choked up voices and tearful eyes, remembering their buddies who didn’t make it out alive.  They remembered each and every detail of that experience, as if it was yesterday.  They came back home and established lives with wonderful families, all the while, never forgetting that so many of their fellow soldiers were not given the same opportunities to do so.  So bittersweet.

   My point in writing this piece is to make anyone who reads this, aware and grateful that these elderly men you see, with walkers or in wheelchairs, were once young and vibrant soldiers who fought so that we could enjoy all the freedoms that we have today.  Don’t walk quickly past them.  Don’t avoid their eyes.  Look directly at them, smile, say hi and hopefully, deep inside, you will remember that what you see before you is really a young man, who was excited to go fight for his country, so that we could be free.

WHAT WILL BE ON YOUR HEADSTONE?

 It’s time to take a little break from the move of my parents, and what better way to do that than to inject some humor into the blog?  A few weeks ago, CBS Sunday Morning (great show!)  devoted the entire show to death type topics and one of them showcased some Hollywood headstones.  Have you ever thought what you were going to have put on yours?  I certainly have!  Being a grief educator, that’s probably not a surprise to most of you!  Ha!  But you should, too!  Don’t just allow the date of your birth and the date of your death define to the world who you are for eternity!  Here are some ideas to get your imagination started:

1.  Joan Hackett- 1934-1983- GO AWAY.  I’M ASLEEP.

2.  Merv Griffin- 1925-2007- I WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE

3.  Frank Sinatra- 1915-1998- THE BEST IS YET TO COME

4.  Rodney Dangerfield-1921-2004- THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Now it’s your turn to get clever!  Make it  a good one!  It’s going to be there for a very long time!

LEAVE THE DRIVING TO US!

    I think this was the slogan many years ago for Greyhound Bus Lines.  And that’s how comfortable I feel using a service that caters to transitioning seniors from one location to another.  The one that my family will be using is www.stsnostress.com.  Sts stands for senior transition specialists.  When I talked to Karen, the woman in charge, she said that they handle everything as if it was the adult kids doing the work.  They do everything “with love,” because they are a team of women who know how to talk to and deal with seniors who are going through this difficult period of life.  (One example is that she said don’t ever tell them that they can’t take something.  Let it be their idea as to what they’re taking or not taking!)  They can be the objective ones when the adult kids might get bogged down with emotions and relationships.  Not only do they pack up everything, but they unpack everything on the other end.  She said that when the seniors move into their new place, there is not a box or piece of tape to be seen!  It’s ready to be lived in!!  I will have more to say about the whole process once it’s placed in action, but for now, my siblings and I feel relief just knowing all that they do.  They have already gone out to my parents’ home, sized up the situation and met my folks.  Everyone liked each other, so that’s good!

    Now, for the emotional part of the equation.  It’s difficult seeing my take charge, perfectionistic, routine oriented WW II Vet Dad be on the receiving end, being advised what will be happening, how and when.  Thank goodness, he’s still 95% mentally intact ( ever so slight memory loss), so he’s still who he is, but it’s just weird having us kids calling the shots now.

   But allow me to tell you a little about my Dad.  He LOVES technology!!  He skypes (every Sunday with me), texts (on his iphone), has an ipad and computer (where he’s on Facebook!)  He had all of these things even before I did!  I told him about a year or two ago that I was so happy that he had lived this long, because he’s a different dad now with all these “toys.”  My mother used to be the one who did most of the staying in touch with us kids.  When we called, he would pick up the phone  for a minute or two, but then go back to watching the golf match on TV, while we talked with Mom.  Technology changed all that, as did my mother’s dementia.  Now, she’s the one in the background and he’s the one who does all the communicating.  When he started emailing, years ago, that was the beginning of the new and improved Dad.  I was able to coax him into writing out most of the war stories that none of us knew before.  We not only have them in writing, but we also “interviewed” him when some of us were together, so we have him on audiotape, also.  What a treasure!  So, as much as I complain about the drawbacks of a society where being in touch all the time is the norm, it has totally changed my dad and the relationships that he has with his family.  Had he not lived this long, we never would have seen this side of him and that would have been a real pity.

   As I said in my previous post, I am blessed, and don’t I know it!!  But for those of you reading this, no matter your age, whether you still have your parent or parents or are parents yourselves, know that they or you could be gone before the end of this day.  Gather all the stories and anecdotes you can, while you still can.  If you’re the one who has the stories, share them now, while you can still remember them.  One of my mother’s favorite stories she always told us  is how she met my dad (at a dance, when she was only 15!)  She has no recollection of that now.  How strange that my dad has “improved with age”, but my mom has declined.  They both became people they were not before.  Happy/sad tears.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

   I am blessed.  And I know it.  I’ve never NOT known it, but  it really came into sharp focus when I went back to my hometown of Columbus, Ohio in April to be with my entire family of 30!  (When G-d said be fruitful and multiply, my sister and her kids took that very seriously!)  My parents flew in, with the help of my brother-in-law, from their home in Florida, where they retired 25 years ago.   They live on a golf course and my dad, who ate, lived, breathed and slept golf my entire life, even up to six months ago,  told me once that , living there, he felt like he was at summer camp!  They love Florida, their lifestyle, their home and their friends.  They had no regrets about leaving Columbus and really, had no desire to go back, despite the fact that so many family members still live there.

   But nothing remains the same, no matter how much we wish it did.  My 90 year old mother has dementia and it’s getting worse.  We have begged my dad, aged 95, over the last year or two, to go back to Columbus to the retirement facility where some of their friends still reside and where he would be close to his kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  They also bought their burial plots there, 50 years ago.  He wouldn’t hear of it.  The cold weather was a big drawback and he was afraid he would be living “in a cage” - not appealing to someone who has enjoyed his independence and his own beautiful, spacious home for such a long time.  But he was now more open to the idea than he had ever been before.

  So, my three siblings and myself set up an interview and tour of the facility when we were all there.  Fortunately, a lovely two bedroom, two bathroom apartment was instantly available!  It was so new that I could smell the carpeting!  There was so much light in the place, because of the large picture windows that looked out on the trees and running creek, that it couldn’t have been more inviting.  I whispered to my dad, “See, Dad?  You won’t be in a cage!”  We walked out with the woman who was in charge and he turned to her and said, “I love it!  I’ll take it!!”  Well, I started crying, ran up and hugged my dad, who also had tears in his eyes (I’m the emotional one in the family!)  We had been wanting this for so long and it was actually going to happen!  What a relief!  

   Yes, I am blessed, beyond belief.  I am the only person I know, my age, who still has both parents.  They have been married 72 years and aside from the dementia, they are both still physically OK, altho my dad admitted that when he gave up golf (because there were no more friends to play with!), he aged 10 years!  He told me not long ago, “sometimes you can live too long.”  That broke my heart, because I know HIS heart is breaking, seeing my mother change right before his eyes.  She still knows him, thank goodness,  and knows us kids, most of the time, but she’s not the wife and mother she was.

   I told my dad he has an unusually good, not to mention, rare,  situation here.  He’s moving back “home” where it all started, he knows lots of people in the facility, he has lots of family that all live within a 5 mile radius and they are so loved, that their family actually wants them to move back!!  Yes, the weather will be a change, (would you believe it actually SNOWED the day we were all leaving??  Couldn’t it have waited until my parents had gone back to Florida??) but look at what he’s getting!  Nothing is 100% perfect, but this is about as close to that as one can hope for.  I should only be so lucky when my time comes!

So, stay tuned. I will be writing about this whole experience of moving elderly parents from a home that they love into an apartment and from a city that they love for the warm weather into the colder climes but to be near family. Moving is stressful at any age, and to be in one's 90's and have to move is going to be stressful beyond measure, but I know it is the right thing, for all of us...... because life is a circle.