PARENTS, COLLEGE BOUND OFFSPRING, MIXED EMOTIONS!

So, let's just see where we are.  We've raised our kids, they're heading out the door to worlds unknown and we parents are left back at the ranch, in total disarray! As our kids are entering a new phase of their lives, so are we.  As they struggle with conflicting emotions about leaving, we struggle with conflicting emotions about being left!
   We are excited about their blossoming independence, but part of us still wants to  feel like we're in control, we're needed, we want to protect them.  What a tightrope we have to walk!  Will they hold onto our family values or adopt entirely new ones?  It's such a different world from when we went to college.  Aren't we entitled to be a bit more overprotective?  We want them to explore, challenge, question, grow, but what if they think everything we do and say is now wrong?!
   Bittersweet is the best word I can think of to describe this time for parents.  There is excitement, nostalgia, hollowness, loneliness, freedom, peacefulness.  One mother from Missouri wrote in LETTING GO by Coburn and Treeger (a must read for this stage in life!):  "I'm ready to go out to dinner more and to cook less, but I'm not sure I'm ready to have my primary parenting years behind me." Or from Pulitzer prize winning columnist, Ellen Goodman: "Tomorrow, for the first time in 18 years, the part of my brain that is always calculating time-school time, work time, dinner time-can let go of its' stopwatch."
  Just as freshmen are re-configuring and re-adjusting their lives away from home, so are we parents.  The relationships with remaining siblings at home will change, marital relationships will be re-examined, rooms in houses may change and most importantly, issues of middle age will slap us smack in the face!  Having daughters is especially painful for mothers at this stage, because we look in our mirrors and wonder how we got here so fast!  How can I be this old?
  Anxiety about finances, menopause, careers, hopes and dreams, elderly parents- can you say disorienting?  A child just left home, maybe an only child, and that is a major LOSS.  We parents are grieving!  Yes, it's a kind of death.  One moment, we're happy; the next, we're depressed.  We want to provide a safe and secure home base for our children, because they are feeling so insecure themselves. Little do they know what we're going through!  it's a tough balancing act, to say the least.
  Our kids want to be independent and self sufficient; yet, they still want to be nurtured and taken care of.  We, the parents, want to give our kids their freedom; yet, we still want to be needed and wanted.  The problem is negotiating this new path, and then re-negotiating throughout the four years.  Not an easy task.  One father writes: "When we heard from him, we had to listen to the melody, not the words.  The melody said,'I need to know you're around.' The words said,'I don't need you.'"
  Another blog, perhaps later in this first semester, will discuss what it's like when college kids come back home for visits.  What a whole other ball of wax that is!!  In the meantime, know that you WILL get through this and come out the other side just fine.  I know.  I've been there and lived to tell about it.  My best advice to you parents?  Recognize that this is, indeed, a loss that needs to be grieved.  Cry all you want and most importantly, do not apologize!!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHERE ARE YOU FROM? WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

    First off, please accept my apologies for not writing on this blog the entire summer!!  I have no idea where the time went!  But I'm back and I plan to be here on a regular basis, so please check in!

    I have several relatives who are in the process of sending their children off to college now, so many that I felt I just had to blog about it.  Some are sending their only child off and others, their last- but all for the first time.  There are mixed emotions, losses and changes all around: from the child (tho he/she is not really a child anymore!) and from the parents.  In fact, this may have to be a two parter!

   So much goes on with this rite of passage.  Here's just a sample:  We've raised our kids to (hopefully) become independent, confident human beings.  But we didn't realize the time would REALLY come when they would be leaving us to do just that!  And how did we get to middle age so fast ourselves? Looking back to when we were THEIR age, and the whole world was in front of US, did our hopes and dreams for ourselves, for the lives we planned, pan out as we envisioned?  Parents AND kids are in flux at the same time, each on the precipice of something new, exciting, frightening and sad.  Separating and letting go, separating and letting go- a constant theme throughout life-but at this stage, especially difficult, because most people don't realize that this particular time has its' own set of dramatic or traumatic set of losses.

    For the "child," he or she is losing the safety and security of home, routines, parental boundaries, familiarity of the hometown, school and friends.  Now, the world is wide open for him/her to make his/her own choices, many, many, many choices!  Sometimes, so many choices that they can be overwhelming: drugs, alchohol, sex, sorority or fraternity, food, sleep (or not!), courses, majors....  And with choices, come pressure.  Lots and lots of pressure!

   Try to see through the eyes of a freshman college student: I'm leaving behind everything I know and everyone familiar to spend the next four years in this strange new world; I was homecoming Queen, cheerleader, football captain, class president, voted most popular, etc. but no one knows or cares here;  I have to share this small room with a total stranger who probably has completely different habits than I do; I have so much work to do, but there are so many other things that look like fun!  I can go out when I want, eat what and when I want, sleep when I want, talk to whomever I want, and my parents will only know what I tell them.  Routines and rhythm of life at home- out the window!  Can you say exhausting? Exhilarating? Or what about just plain overwhelming?!  It's like trying everything on for size and then seeing what fits and tossing out the rest.  Experimentation is necessary, but taken to the extreme, is dangerous.  Where to draw the line?  How to say no?  

   Which brings us back to the loss of the safety and security of what was enjoyed or experienced for the last 18 years.  Now everything is new, exciting, stimulating.......frightening, confusing. stressful.  Newfound freedom also brings on more responsibility;  independence can heighten one's insecurity; promise and potential can quickly change to disappointment.  Wow!  Our kids may be shedding some tears, but do they stem from happiness, sadness or, most likely, both?!  And what about the happy/sad tears from the parents?  Next blog!