WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM A 9 YEAR OLD!

   I saw a story this morning on CBS Sunday Morning about a young boy from Denton,  born 17 weeks early, 9 years ago, who is  now slowly going blind.  His parents are trying to fulfill all his wishes as to what he would like to see before he totally loses his eyesight.  Can you even imagine being not only Ben, as tragic as that is, but his parents, watching your son slowly lose his ability to see the blue sky, the sunset or sunrise, trees, flowers, rainbows, other children, animals, friends, yourself, just so many, many things, but most unfortunate, never to see you, his parents, and his siblings ever again?!
    What really breaks my heart is that they showed him today, practicing being totally blind, walking with a stick, learning how to manuever his soon to be new world.  And then it hit me.  Ben (and his parents) are TOTALLY living in the present, making daily memories with precision like focus, because they KNOW that their time is limited, to be able to do this much longer.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all take a huge lesson from Ben and realize how important it is and how lucky we are, to be able to really, really SEE and experience our world,  every little trivial thing, because we never THINK that there will come a time that we won't be able to.   You don't need to go to Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis or to the Grand Canyon and everything else in between, as Ben's family has done.   Just live your life with mindfulness- know what you're doing while you're doing it.  Don't wait to look back at your life as an afterthought and think, "Why didn't I realize how good I had it at the time?"   And don't wait until that dreaded diagnosis or other tragedy before you say (I hear this all too often), "This really helped me get my priorities straight."  Do it now.  Do it while you still can.  Do it for Ben.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH DEMENTIA

     My 91 year old, beautiful mother, has dementia.  She has her good days and bad, but, for the most part, she's holding her own.  She still knows all of us "kids," as well as her husband of 73 years, my 96 year old dad!
     Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least.  However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either.  There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this.    One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids.  For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say  hi, and then go back to watching golf!  My mother did all the talking.  He couldn't be bothered.  Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking.  What a change this has been, for all of us.   Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better!  We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!!  This has NEVER happened before now!!  He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too!  Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm!  What a different man he has become these last few years!  How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments.  I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today.  Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now!  What a blessing!!
     Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings.  Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide.   So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day!   He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!"  She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!!   And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
    One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease.  While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse.  Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme.  They are fully present to the present.   We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present!   What a shame!  Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music.  Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs!  They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen.  Their minds aren't somewhere else.  Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy.   And that is a marvelous thing.
    In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them.  More than that, we think there is no communication without words."  So not true.  Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself.  I have.
   

PAUSING AND REWINDING MY LIFE

    Two of my favorite and most often used "inventions" in the past few years have been the rewind and pause buttons on my TV remote!  In fact, I push those two buttons so much that I actually think I'm getting arthritis in my right index finger!!
    It used to be, way back when,  that I could watch my favorite TV shows, while also needlepointing, reading the paper, writing a letter, etc. because we watched TV in real time and with lots of commercials.  Now, we can record everything and watch when we want, with the added bonus of fast forwarding through commercials.  You'd think that that would mean I would shorten my viewing time, but instead, it takes me just as long to watch an hour show, as when I used to have to sit through the commercials!      Why is that, you might be asking?  Because I have to see every little detail!  If I like what a character is saying, I have to rewind and hear it again; if I'm watching the pro, dancing on Dancing with the Stars, then I have to rewind and then watch his/her partner dance; if I look at the expression on one person's face, then I have to rewind and watch the other person's expression, etc. etc.
    I have self analyzed this phenomenon and come up with the conclusion that I am just a detailed oriented person.  I don't want to miss a single thing!  And because my brain and my eyes can't pick up every detail at one time (whose does?!), I have my trusty remote to do it for me!
    As I was thinking about this, it struck me that the same principle of pause and rewind could be applied to life.  Obviously, we can't rewind (if only!), but we can definitely pause:  pause when we are engaged in conversation so that we really take in what the other person is saying, before we respond (often) too quickly; pause when we hear or see an ambulance and say a prayer that that person will be alright, rather than be bothered that the ambulance is holding up traffic;  pause to hear the sounds of the world all around us;  pause to soak in the sunlight, to gaze upon the stars,  or to watch the rain fall quietly; pause to live in the moment, without regretting the past or fearing the future, just to live right now.  Unfortunately, pausing and taking life in isn't natural for most of us.  We rush through our busy days, missing out on so many of the small, but important, details that are all around us.  What a shame.
    The next time you go to hit the pause button on your remote, think about pausing right then and there to sit still, look around you and be present.  The world will wait.

THE TRAIN OF LIFE

At birth, we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.  However, at some station, our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.  As time goes by, other people will board the train, and they will be significant, i.e., our siblings, friends, children and even the love of your life.  Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.  Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats.  This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes and farewells.  Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is:  We do not know at which station we, ourselves, will step down.  So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive and offer the best of who we are.  It is important to do this, because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty, we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life.  Reap success and give lots of love.  More importantly, thank G-d for the journey.  Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.

I don’t know who the author is, but I echo these sentiments, exactly!

Jo-Ann

IF THERE HAS TO BE DIVORCE....

    I was married for 30 years to a wonderful man.  We had two incredible children that have grown up to become even more amazing adults.   They have done us proud.  For reasons that will remain private, we divorced.  The first year or two post divorce was tricky.  Feelings were hurt, new people came into our lives and we were both trying to feel our way.  Our kids, altho both in their 20's, were also struggling with the new arrangements.  Divorce is never easy on kids, no matter how old they are.  They tried so hard to make sure that the time they spent with each of their parents was exactly 50/50.   How difficult that must have been for them!
   But here we are, 13 years out, and my "once upon a time husband" and I are still very much in each other's lives.  We both decided, from the get-go, that we were not going to drag each other through the mud.   That meant, we were not going to say anything negative about the other to our adult children.  To this day, we have kept that promise.  And because of that, we are still that core family that we were when he and I were married.  Both of us have had other long term relationships and a marriage, but our significant  others have had to learn that the original bond that brought my ex and I together is a bond too strong to ever break.  We were in our 20's when we met and married.  We grew up together.  And we will grow old together, only in a different way than we originally planned.
    It's difficult for me to understand how some people are so bitter when they divorce that they spend years  trying to destroy their former spouse, either financially or emotionally.  Why?  Who's to gain from that?  Even in my own family, I have seen this happen.  It's such a waste of life!  Usually, it's the one who is hanging onto the bitterness and resentment is the one who is suffering, not the other one who has, most likely, moved on with his/her own life.    Life happens, not always the way we planned.  We cannot control events, but we CAN change or control how we react to those events.  It's a choice.
    "Divorce and death do not END relationships; they CHANGE relationships."  (Harold Ivan Smith)  My ex and I have made the conscious decision to stay in each others'  lives until death do us part.  After all, that's what we promised one another so many years ago.  I wish the same for all of you who are divorced or are thinking of divorce.  I know this may be an impossibility in some cases,  and for legitimate reasons, but,  IF it is at all possible, your kids will be forever grateful that you both made this choice to remain friends, or, at the very least, friendly.
 

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

   I really try hard not to set my expectations too high for people, because I know full well that that is just setting myself up for disappointment.   I honestly feel that I have realistic expectations, most of the time.  However, lately,  I seem to have experienced an unusual amount of disappointment in the behavior of those to whom  I have always felt close.  I struggle with the choice of either being honest with my feelings and telling them or just letting these experiences go, and the friendships, with it.
    Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals.  It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years!  It's not that easy!"
    So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled.  I  am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on.  These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
   When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us.  Too often, they are not.  I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering.  Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system.  A double whammy.
    This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost.  It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was.  Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions."  As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
    People change, friendships change, situations change.  It's all a part of life.  No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in.  My own parents, who are both in their 90's,  have lost so many friends, through death and illness.  My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them.  My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long."  I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends!  My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
    For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood.  For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life.  It's all good.  But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.
 

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS

In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin's character said this:
"You'll always have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."

WHAT TO SAY AND NOT SAY TO GRIEVERS

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The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. I am so sorry for your loss.

2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

3. I doow how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.

4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…

6. I am always just a phone call away

7. Give a hug instead of saying something

8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you

9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything

10. Saying nothing, just be with the person

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young

2. He is in a better place

3. She brought this on herself

4. There is a reason for everything

5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now

6. You can have another child still

7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him

8. I know how you feel

9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go

10. Be strong

From Grief.com.  I welcome the good and not so good comments that people have made to you when you were grieving.  We all need to learn from each other.

WE HAVE ALOT TO LEARN FROM CHILDREN

  We’ve all been kids.  Do you ever look back at those early, formative years and think, wistfully, how carefree life was?  We played outside with friends, rode our bikes in the neighborhood, walked to and from school, etc.  Do you also remember how easily we shared our feelings?  If we liked someone, we told him/her.  If we were sad, or if others hurt our feelings, we cried and then soon after, we were happy again.  At least in the early years, we didn’t even THINK to or know HOW to suppress our feelings.  It was really refreshing to be allowed to be so honest, altho, we didn’t realize it at the time.  But if you’ve had kids or grandkids of your own, you’ve seen this phenomenon through their young eyes, also.  Isn’t it wonderful to hear them talk so openly and honestly…..until late in elementary school when they start becoming self conscious?

   As we get older, we become very protective of our feelings.  It’s almost UNnatural to express the way we truly feel.  Yet, when our loved ones are on their death beds, we want to, or try to, tell them how we feel about them.  If they die suddenly or before we’ ve had a chance to tell them, we live with regrets and guilt the rest of our lives:  “if only, if only, if only….”  but then, it’s too late.  The sad thing is we NEVER know when it WILL be too late!  What are we waiting for?!

   We get so caught up in our lives that we think there will always be time to be with our loved ones, or to tell them how we feel about them.  We don’t make it a priority to be with them.  This all came into play with my own life lately.  As I’ve mentioned, I’ve had several family members struggling with health issues.  Because none of my family lives locally, I’ve had to get on a plane to be with them.  But you know what?  I know that there is nowhere else I would rather be and nothing more important than being with them.  And I tell them all the time I love them.  For you, if it makes your loved ones uncomfortable that you are expressing yourself so honestly, it doesn’t matter!  What matters is that you told them.  We should never feel guilty for expressing our feelings.  “Pride is such a waste of time!  We are all human.  We are allowed to be vulnerable, too.  It is part of the process.”  (from Jude, a dying man).  How many people have had to live with the fact that they didn’t make the effort to tell their loved ones how they felt and then, when their loved ones died,  their guilt turned toxic, as they battled, often for the rest of their lives, with, “I wish I had….”

   Everyone dies.  No one knows when.  Say it now.  It will bring you peace.  No regrets.

SAY IT NOW, NOT AT THEIR FUNERAL!

  My father-in-law, Henry Saunders,  who died over 20 years ago,  was a well known and very well respected pediatrician in Cleveland.  Generations of families took their kids to him, which always made him proud that that was so.  Although he wasn’t a warm and fuzzy kind of guy, he was loved by all.  I definitely attribute my love of parenting and my interest in the study of  families, ( master’s degree in family studies) to him.  He didn’t just treat the kids physically, but he addressed the whole family, helping the parents to become better parents.  I loved observing how he did that, especially because that was not my experience as a child who went to a “scary” pediatrician.

   Dr. S. absolutely loved what he did.  I have never seen, before or since, a doctor on call, seven days a week, but he was.  The phone never stopped ringing- at his home!  And it never bothered him.  Because he loved his work and his patients so much, he would not retire…...until he finally did at the age of 80!  And when he did, there was a huge celebration for him at Case Western Reserve, put on by his patients, would you believe, where they named a scholarship after him.  The wonderful things that people said about him and to him made a big impression on me.  I remember thinking how great it was that he was alive to hear all these wonderful sentiments!!

    Ever since then, I have been on a silent mission.  I attend funerals, as do all of you, and I always think to myself how wonderful it would have been had the deceased been able to hear what people thought of him/her while he was still alive.  Not only that, but I usually come away from the service thinking that I wish I had KNOWN all these things about him while he/she was still alive.

   My younger brother, whom I have written about, is battling cancer now for the third time.  As awful as that is, he is fortunate in that he has a huge support system, because of his profession as a very well known DJ in Orlando.  He has decided to keep his listeners informed of his progress on his facebook page and on the radio’s website- (mix105.1/scott). Whenever he posts anything,  in a matter of minutes, he has hundreds (we’re talking 700 plus!!) of well wishers, saying the most unbelievable things!!  They make ME cry, so I can’t even imagine what they’re doing to Scott, and some of them are also multi generational listeners, just as with my father--in-law.  Scott is humbled, surprised and incredibly thankful to have so many people in his corner.

   I told him of my “living funeral” concept and how happy I am that he is alive to hear how loved he is.  As he battles back to health, he will have those dark days (hopefully, very few!), but he can always just prop up his laptop or ipad and read through all the lovely thoughts and feelings that his listeners, family and friends have for him.  Then, those dark clouds will part to allow in those rays of sunshine, his many supporters.

   My message here is not to make you throw a party for yourself, so that you can hear nice things, (well, on second thought…..) but to think of creative ways that you could let the ones you love, especially those who are ill or elderly, know now, before it’s too late,  that so many people love them and have been influenced by them in ways they never dreamed possible.  Can you just imagine what that would do for their spirits?  Hold their “funerals” now, so that when the time actually  does come for the funeral, even if it’s years and years in the future,  everything will have already been said…….and the deceased will have heard it!

WHO SUPPORTS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING?

    When we grieve, whether our loss be a death, divorce, move, retirement, health issues, aging or a hundred other losses, we realize that we can't do it alone.  We might start out wanting to go into hibernation mode, get into bed and pull the covers over our head, but that works only short term.  Eventually, we all learn that we need others to be there with and for us,  who will "sit in our puddle with us."  (thank you, Barb Petsel).
    As I travel this road of loss of health for several family of origin members, I am surprised, thrilled and disappointed- all at the same time- at my support system.  I would put my oldest friends into the lower, disappointing category,  a couple of newer friends into the surprising, but "glad to have ya!" category and move up to the highest rung possible, my siblings and kids.  My kids have always been #1 in my world, and they remain so, each and everyday of my life, so their support has always been and will always be stable, thank G-d!  My siblings and I (I have three), have always had a wonderful relationship with one another, but because we are spread out across the country, we didn't really stay in touch on a frequent basis.....until now.
    Our parents have just made a very traumatic, but necessary, move from Florida to Ohio and my mother's dementia has taken a downward turn with that.  Thank goodness that two of my siblings love close by to my parents' new abode, and go over there everyday to check in.  These siblings (a sister and brother), also write my other brother and myself, who both live out of state, daily journal entries by email that are both comical and poignant.  I'm disappointed when I don't see an email from them!   My sister, who never relished talking on the phone before any of this, actually called me two days in a row, early in the morning, to vent.  How I loved that!  I felt closer to her than I ever had before.
    A few years ago, we all made a pact with one another that we would remain a united front, when it came to anything having to do with our parents.  This isn't to say that we don't have different opinions, because we definitely do, but, but if that IS the case,  we always come to some kind of consensus.  It was so interesting and heartening, that with this move, we all just, almost naturally, took up our "command posts," in handling different aspects of the move:  furnishing their new apartment in Ohio, selling their house in Florida, working with the residential facility in Ohio or with the senior transition agency in Florida.  We all had our own responsibilities, but always, conferred with each other throughout it all, never having to handle anything alone.
    As if the move and dementia wasn't bad enough, unfortunately, our youngest brother found out, at the same time, that his cancer has returned for the third time.  Who do you think writes the funniest medical updates of anyone?  He does!!  Don't ever underestimate the power of humor with loss!  It is one of the best, but most unused tools that we have to get through grief.  It is such a vital aspect to maintaining one's sanity!  I cannot tell you how many times I have laughed through my tears!
    I have heard horror stories from other families and how adversity split them all apart, some permanently.  What a shame and a waste of life!  As we grow older, time and relationships become front and center and more valued than ever before.  For those of you who are "only children," and have had to bear your parents' medical problems, having no siblings with which to share your burden, I do hope that you have cousins or other important people in your life to be there for you and with you.  Family is not just the family you were born into.  It's also the one you created yourself with a spouse or partner, or the one you developed through friendships.  Whatever your family configuration, I hope that they are there for you, through the good times and the bad, because you cannot and should not travel this road alone.
   "When you can't see the cables on a bridge, because of fog, you know the supports are still there.  Who are your 'cables?'"  Harold Ivan Smith.

THE WISE WOMAN'S STONE (author unknown)

A wise woman was traveling in the mountains when she found a precious stone in a stream.  The next day she met another traveler who was hungry.  The wise woman opened her bag to share her food.  The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him, and she did so with no hesitation.  The traveler left rejoicing in his good fortune.  He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.  But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said.  "I know how valuable this stone is, but I must return it to you.  I hope that you can give me something even more precious.  Please, give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

THE ELDERLY WERE ONCE YOUNG

 For years, I have been fascinated by the aging process in men, particularly in soldiers.  With all of the recent (deserved) publicity about the 70th anniversary of the invasion at Normandy, I found myself staring at the pictures of some of the men who survived and are now in their 90’s.  Next to their recent photos,  are always shown the pictures of these same men when they were in their late teens and early 20’s, fighting for our country so valiantly.  They were so young!  And oh so brave!

  When I went to Israel, 15 years ago, our tour buses were privileged to be able to stop and have lunch with the Israeli soldiers and I’ll never forget what I thought at the time- “They’re so young!”  I had never had that opportunity to sit next to a room full of our own U.S. soldiers, so it never clicked that they, too, were, and are, also so young!

   I am extremely fortunate to still have my 95 year old dad around to ask questions about the war and his experiences.  He didn’t share them for years, but being the “inquisitor” that I am (his name for me!),  I finally got alot of them, all written down, for the family to pore over.   He shared how he landed on Normandy, 6 days after the initial invasion, and so many paratroopers were still hanging in the trees.  He was also one of the troops that liberated Dachau.  He was never able to go into much detail about that experience, understandably so.

  The Dateline show I recently watched with Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw, where several soldiers went back to Normandy with their families, was so emotional for them AND for me, the viewer.  They all recounted their experiences with choked up voices and tearful eyes, remembering their buddies who didn’t make it out alive.  They remembered each and every detail of that experience, as if it was yesterday.  They came back home and established lives with wonderful families, all the while, never forgetting that so many of their fellow soldiers were not given the same opportunities to do so.  So bittersweet.

   My point in writing this piece is to make anyone who reads this, aware and grateful that these elderly men you see, with walkers or in wheelchairs, were once young and vibrant soldiers who fought so that we could enjoy all the freedoms that we have today.  Don’t walk quickly past them.  Don’t avoid their eyes.  Look directly at them, smile, say hi and hopefully, deep inside, you will remember that what you see before you is really a young man, who was excited to go fight for his country, so that we could be free.

WHAT WILL BE ON YOUR HEADSTONE?

 It’s time to take a little break from the move of my parents, and what better way to do that than to inject some humor into the blog?  A few weeks ago, CBS Sunday Morning (great show!)  devoted the entire show to death type topics and one of them showcased some Hollywood headstones.  Have you ever thought what you were going to have put on yours?  I certainly have!  Being a grief educator, that’s probably not a surprise to most of you!  Ha!  But you should, too!  Don’t just allow the date of your birth and the date of your death define to the world who you are for eternity!  Here are some ideas to get your imagination started:

1.  Joan Hackett- 1934-1983- GO AWAY.  I’M ASLEEP.

2.  Merv Griffin- 1925-2007- I WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE

3.  Frank Sinatra- 1915-1998- THE BEST IS YET TO COME

4.  Rodney Dangerfield-1921-2004- THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Now it’s your turn to get clever!  Make it  a good one!  It’s going to be there for a very long time!

LEAVE THE DRIVING TO US!

    I think this was the slogan many years ago for Greyhound Bus Lines.  And that’s how comfortable I feel using a service that caters to transitioning seniors from one location to another.  The one that my family will be using is www.stsnostress.com.  Sts stands for senior transition specialists.  When I talked to Karen, the woman in charge, she said that they handle everything as if it was the adult kids doing the work.  They do everything “with love,” because they are a team of women who know how to talk to and deal with seniors who are going through this difficult period of life.  (One example is that she said don’t ever tell them that they can’t take something.  Let it be their idea as to what they’re taking or not taking!)  They can be the objective ones when the adult kids might get bogged down with emotions and relationships.  Not only do they pack up everything, but they unpack everything on the other end.  She said that when the seniors move into their new place, there is not a box or piece of tape to be seen!  It’s ready to be lived in!!  I will have more to say about the whole process once it’s placed in action, but for now, my siblings and I feel relief just knowing all that they do.  They have already gone out to my parents’ home, sized up the situation and met my folks.  Everyone liked each other, so that’s good!

    Now, for the emotional part of the equation.  It’s difficult seeing my take charge, perfectionistic, routine oriented WW II Vet Dad be on the receiving end, being advised what will be happening, how and when.  Thank goodness, he’s still 95% mentally intact ( ever so slight memory loss), so he’s still who he is, but it’s just weird having us kids calling the shots now.

   But allow me to tell you a little about my Dad.  He LOVES technology!!  He skypes (every Sunday with me), texts (on his iphone), has an ipad and computer (where he’s on Facebook!)  He had all of these things even before I did!  I told him about a year or two ago that I was so happy that he had lived this long, because he’s a different dad now with all these “toys.”  My mother used to be the one who did most of the staying in touch with us kids.  When we called, he would pick up the phone  for a minute or two, but then go back to watching the golf match on TV, while we talked with Mom.  Technology changed all that, as did my mother’s dementia.  Now, she’s the one in the background and he’s the one who does all the communicating.  When he started emailing, years ago, that was the beginning of the new and improved Dad.  I was able to coax him into writing out most of the war stories that none of us knew before.  We not only have them in writing, but we also “interviewed” him when some of us were together, so we have him on audiotape, also.  What a treasure!  So, as much as I complain about the drawbacks of a society where being in touch all the time is the norm, it has totally changed my dad and the relationships that he has with his family.  Had he not lived this long, we never would have seen this side of him and that would have been a real pity.

   As I said in my previous post, I am blessed, and don’t I know it!!  But for those of you reading this, no matter your age, whether you still have your parent or parents or are parents yourselves, know that they or you could be gone before the end of this day.  Gather all the stories and anecdotes you can, while you still can.  If you’re the one who has the stories, share them now, while you can still remember them.  One of my mother’s favorite stories she always told us  is how she met my dad (at a dance, when she was only 15!)  She has no recollection of that now.  How strange that my dad has “improved with age”, but my mom has declined.  They both became people they were not before.  Happy/sad tears.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

   I am blessed.  And I know it.  I’ve never NOT known it, but  it really came into sharp focus when I went back to my hometown of Columbus, Ohio in April to be with my entire family of 30!  (When G-d said be fruitful and multiply, my sister and her kids took that very seriously!)  My parents flew in, with the help of my brother-in-law, from their home in Florida, where they retired 25 years ago.   They live on a golf course and my dad, who ate, lived, breathed and slept golf my entire life, even up to six months ago,  told me once that , living there, he felt like he was at summer camp!  They love Florida, their lifestyle, their home and their friends.  They had no regrets about leaving Columbus and really, had no desire to go back, despite the fact that so many family members still live there.

   But nothing remains the same, no matter how much we wish it did.  My 90 year old mother has dementia and it’s getting worse.  We have begged my dad, aged 95, over the last year or two, to go back to Columbus to the retirement facility where some of their friends still reside and where he would be close to his kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  They also bought their burial plots there, 50 years ago.  He wouldn’t hear of it.  The cold weather was a big drawback and he was afraid he would be living “in a cage” - not appealing to someone who has enjoyed his independence and his own beautiful, spacious home for such a long time.  But he was now more open to the idea than he had ever been before.

  So, my three siblings and myself set up an interview and tour of the facility when we were all there.  Fortunately, a lovely two bedroom, two bathroom apartment was instantly available!  It was so new that I could smell the carpeting!  There was so much light in the place, because of the large picture windows that looked out on the trees and running creek, that it couldn’t have been more inviting.  I whispered to my dad, “See, Dad?  You won’t be in a cage!”  We walked out with the woman who was in charge and he turned to her and said, “I love it!  I’ll take it!!”  Well, I started crying, ran up and hugged my dad, who also had tears in his eyes (I’m the emotional one in the family!)  We had been wanting this for so long and it was actually going to happen!  What a relief!  

   Yes, I am blessed, beyond belief.  I am the only person I know, my age, who still has both parents.  They have been married 72 years and aside from the dementia, they are both still physically OK, altho my dad admitted that when he gave up golf (because there were no more friends to play with!), he aged 10 years!  He told me not long ago, “sometimes you can live too long.”  That broke my heart, because I know HIS heart is breaking, seeing my mother change right before his eyes.  She still knows him, thank goodness,  and knows us kids, most of the time, but she’s not the wife and mother she was.

   I told my dad he has an unusually good, not to mention, rare,  situation here.  He’s moving back “home” where it all started, he knows lots of people in the facility, he has lots of family that all live within a 5 mile radius and they are so loved, that their family actually wants them to move back!!  Yes, the weather will be a change, (would you believe it actually SNOWED the day we were all leaving??  Couldn’t it have waited until my parents had gone back to Florida??) but look at what he’s getting!  Nothing is 100% perfect, but this is about as close to that as one can hope for.  I should only be so lucky when my time comes!

So, stay tuned. I will be writing about this whole experience of moving elderly parents from a home that they love into an apartment and from a city that they love for the warm weather into the colder climes but to be near family. Moving is stressful at any age, and to be in one's 90's and have to move is going to be stressful beyond measure, but I know it is the right thing, for all of us...... because life is a circle.

A CLASH OF CULTURES

Last night, I was watching a PBS show I had recorded a month ago, called Shunning.  It documented several former members of the Amish community who had left their families to live the "English" life.  Some had returned home, only to leave again.  One man had left and returned seven times, but eventually, left for good.  Others had returned for good.  Obviously, it's a very difficult choice to have to make!
    I have always been fascinated by this particular culture.   What I like most about their way of life is the importance of family.  They live near each other.  No having to get on airplanes and travel across the country to see each other, a few times a year. Sometimes, especially when I am really stressed out, I look at the simplicity of their lives and yearn for an earlier, simpler time- pre cell phones and email- and think that they have the right idea.
   But there are many downsides to growing up Amish.  They are very rule driven- so much so that individuality is looked down upon, because rules have been established for the community way of thinking.  One man asked, when he was younger, why things were the way they were and he was told not to worry about that.  The elders would do the thinking for him.  He was just to follow the rules.  Formal education is stopped at the eighth grade, so that they can work on the family farms.  One of the women portrayed went off to college and got her degree in nursing.  She said that had she been English, her family would have been so proud of her, but not here.  They didn't like it that she had gone off on her own and pursued her own dreams.  In fact, when the teens or young adults leave permanently, they are penalized!  As someone who considers herself a very independent thinker and doer, this would definitely not work well for me!  Mainstream Americans raise their children to be independent, so that they establish their own homes and lives.  Of course, this also has its' disadadvantages in that our kids move away.  Then, as parents get old, they are often left on their own or are put in communities with others their age, who are not family. There are trade offs to every way of life, aren't there?
    One 20 year old woman lived outside the Amish community for seven months, but then went back home for good.  As much as she said she was going to miss TV and radio, she said it was a "profound loss" to leave her family and community.  It was so interesting to watch her bind up her very, very long beautiful hair, tuck it completely under her Amish cap, tied just so (there are rules for that, also!), put back on her dark Amish dress, fastened only with pins and leave one "freer" world for the more restrictive, but familiar one of home.
   Lastly, there was a married man, who was lost in between the two worlds.  Although not born Amish, his family had moved into the Amish community when he was young.  They eventually left it, but he stayed and  married an Amish woman.  That caused a rift between him and his parents, but he eventually left, also.  He said he loved the Amish lifestyle, but he couldn't abide by all of the strict rules, so he was now straddling both worlds.  He lived the Amish lifestyle, OUTside of the Amish community!  He felt like he had one foot in one world and the other, in the other world. How disorienting-and lonely- would that be?  And the worst part was that his mother still felt estranged from him, too.
    What strikes me about the Amish culture is how strong a pull it has on its' family members.  They may leave- even for 25 years or more- but there will always be some part of them that will remain back in their communities, steeped in tradition, rules, security and most of all, family.  We could all learn from each other.

                         WHEN THE TEARS DON'T STOP

"There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

FINDING COMFORT IN SUDDEN DEATH

  SHOCKING  is often the first word that comes to mind when one learns of a death. This really hit home for me last week when a very important friend of my daughter’s, suddenly died.  Kevin, a beautiful soul from Ireland,  wasn’t officially related to our family, but kinda was, in that he dated Jami for 5 years and remained a large force in her life until the day he died.  Because he was important to HER, he was still important to her brother and myself, as we had just spent time with him less than two months ago in NY over Christmas,  laughing, eating, playing games and reminiscing about Texas Thanksgiving fried turkeys!

    Kevin had just returned home to his country and loving family, where he hadn’t been in years.  He was so unbelievably happy and nourished by all the love surrounding him.  And then, suddenly, he was gone!  How could this happen??  Jami was on the first plane to Ireland, where she had been 12 years earlier, with Kevin, thank goodness.  She already knew his family.  She loved them and they, her.  She experienced the customs of the Irish, which, to me, were so comforting to hear and for her, to experience firsthand.   His open casket was right there in his family’s home, where neighbors and friends could come by all day to pay their last respects.  They never referred to “his body,”  when  the funeral home brought him back to the house before burial, but only as, “Kevin will be here at 6:00 PM.”  He was still Kevin, the person, and not a corpse.  How beautiful is that?  Jami said that he lived in a small village, where, at least, 100 people were lined up outside to welcome him.  Inside, neither Jami, nor any family member, left his casket during the day or night. This wake custom comes from the time when people used to stay “awake” to watch over bodies for 3 days to  make sure they were dead.  Unfortunately, here, tho, they already knew that to be true.  They stayed by Kevin’s side so that he wouldn’t be alone.

   Rituals are more important than most people realize.  They publicly acknowledge the rupture, not just to the family, but to the whole community, as so beautifully experienced in Ireland.   In years long ago in our own country, family members died at home.  Children were exposed to death at an early age, so it was not as scary and foreign to them as it is today. They were also comforted, seeing that they were not alone in their grief.  The term, “living room” developed when the dead were then removed from the parlors in homes so that the rooms could then be for the living.

  Mourning, the public expression of grief, has a beginning, middle and end, whereas grief, the private expression, can last a lifetime.  Judaism, also, has beautiful, comforting mourning rituals to let grievers know they are not alone in their grief, such as the 7 day Shiva period, referred to as a “community embrace.”  Even the Kaddish prayer cannot be said alone.  It requires a minyan or a group of 10 people, so that grievers feel the consoling embrace of others.  And yes, as with Kevin, the deceased are never left alone, either, until they are buried.  

As difficult as it is to come to terms with why good people have to die so young, there is a great deal of comfort knowing that, as miserably hurt and alone we feel, that is definitely not the case.  Just as Kevin was surrounded in life with love, he is surrounded in death, also, with love- more than he could ever have imagined!  Rest in peace, dear, sweet Irish lad.

“There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love.”

Carol Staudacher