MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH DEMENTIA

     My 91 year old, beautiful mother, has dementia.  She has her good days and bad, but, for the most part, she's holding her own.  She still knows all of us "kids," as well as her husband of 73 years, my 96 year old dad!
     Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least.  However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either.  There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this.    One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids.  For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say  hi, and then go back to watching golf!  My mother did all the talking.  He couldn't be bothered.  Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking.  What a change this has been, for all of us.   Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better!  We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!!  This has NEVER happened before now!!  He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too!  Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm!  What a different man he has become these last few years!  How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments.  I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today.  Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now!  What a blessing!!
     Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings.  Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide.   So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day!   He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!"  She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!!   And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
    One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease.  While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse.  Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme.  They are fully present to the present.   We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present!   What a shame!  Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music.  Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs!  They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen.  Their minds aren't somewhere else.  Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy.   And that is a marvelous thing.
    In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them.  More than that, we think there is no communication without words."  So not true.  Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself.  I have.