GREAT EXPECTATIONS

   I really try hard not to set my expectations too high for people, because I know full well that that is just setting myself up for disappointment.   I honestly feel that I have realistic expectations, most of the time.  However, lately,  I seem to have experienced an unusual amount of disappointment in the behavior of those to whom  I have always felt close.  I struggle with the choice of either being honest with my feelings and telling them or just letting these experiences go, and the friendships, with it.
    Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals.  It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years!  It's not that easy!"
    So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled.  I  am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on.  These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
   When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us.  Too often, they are not.  I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering.  Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system.  A double whammy.
    This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost.  It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was.  Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions."  As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
    People change, friendships change, situations change.  It's all a part of life.  No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in.  My own parents, who are both in their 90's,  have lost so many friends, through death and illness.  My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them.  My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long."  I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends!  My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
    For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood.  For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life.  It's all good.  But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.