THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE STRESSFUL.....OR NOT!

Yes, it's that time of year again!  What does this mean for you?  Happiness?  Stress? Anxiety? Anticipation? Sadness?  All of the above??  I think what adds to all these feelings is the fact that holiday decorations and focus on buying gifts begins in September!  Even before Halloween!  I heard my first Christmas song on the radio just yesterday, a week before Thanksgiving and of course, Black Friday, is now ON Thanksgiving Day, for heaven's sakes!!  OF COURSE, WE'RE STRESSED!
   Well, I'm here to help try to alleviate some of that for you, compliments of Barbara Petsel, LPC.  These are especially true for those of you who are, unfortunately, grieving at this time of year.  It's not all tinsel and bright lights for you, is it?  Let's see what we can do about that.
1.  Focus on what is  most important to you about the season.  Is it the food, the social, religious aspects or something else? Don't try to do everything!  Pick and choose! (Ex- holiday baking, wrapping gifts, cleaning the house, office or school parties, holiday cards, etc.)
2.  Review past traditions and rituals and ask yourself, "Is this a want or a need? Do we do these things out of habit, tradition, free choice or obligation?"
3.  Evaluate what you want to keep or change and then discuss this with your other family members.  Maybe this is not the year to do things the way you've always done them, because it's too painful.  That's OK.  Maybe you'll go back to those next year.  Maybe not.  It's your choice.
4.  Define your boundaries, no matter what others try to tell you you should do.
Only you know what feels safe for yourself.
5.  Whenever you get anxious, imagine a place you once felt safe- the smells, sounds, feelings and sights.
6.  Tell yourself, "I can do this!"
7.  Remember this:  you can only control your own decisions.  You cannot control how other people REACT to your decisions!
8.  Deep breathing lowers your pulse and decreases anxiety.
9.  Don't blow off exercise or just walking. Self-care is so important.
10. Get rid of trying to make things perfect.  Things are gonna happen!  Laugh about it!
Last but not least, fill your tank up with as much self love and compassion as you possibly can.  BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!  Enjoy the holidays in ways that work for YOU!!  You are your own best advocate!

IT'S ALL A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE

I was just in NYC with my daughter and had the distinct pleasure of spending a wonderful evening with a Nepali friend of hers, her friend's boyfriend and her father, who was visiting from Nepal.  It was so interesting talking to her dad, especially because this was his first visit to the USA!  One of the first things he said to me was also one of the most fascinating:  he could not believe how QUIET it was in NYC, [compared to Nepal], because there were hardly any honking horns!!  I, on the other hand, have always told my daughter that one of the things  I really DON'T like about NYC is the honking horns!!  Isn't it interesting how different our perspectives are?
Then, when I told him how difficult it was for me, having my kids living on opposite coasts, he said to me:  "try having them live on different CONTINENTS!  While this particular daughter lived in the USA, his other daughter lived in Australia!!  Australia took him 10 hours to get to from Nepal and NYC took him 20 hours!!  I told him I will never complain again about my kids not living closer to me!  Not only that, but his daughter told me that she had once gone 3 years without even seeing her parents!!  3 years??  I go crazy going 3 months!!
   Lastly, in the Nepali culture, children would never THINK of putting their parents up in hotels or nursing homes or retirement communities!  No matter how small their living quarters, (and you know how small NY apartments can be!), when parents come to visit, the whole family stays together.  And they come for weeks at a time!  It's plain ol'  r-e-s-p-e-c-t.  No if's, and's or but's about it!  Wouldn't we all go nuts if we had to live with our grown families for more than a week at a time??
   I have always loved seeing how different cultures function, from the Amish to the Asians to even how Americans in the South live and think differently from those in the North!  If only we all could just look at these differences as something to be admired and valued, rather than judged and criticized, I think this big wide world would be such a better place to live.......and we would all be the better for it!
 

OH HAPPY DAYS!

Want to know what makes a BLISSFUL day for me?  I have been fortunate enough to have 9 in a row, this past week!
1.  Perfect 70 degree weather in the city I'm visiting, which, this time, happened to be NYC.
2.  Spending most of everyday, for an entire week, with my daughter in NYC, where she lives.
3.  Going on a 2 hour bike ride on a cool, overcast day (with her)
4.  Outlet shopping (with her)
5.  Getting our daily Starbucks together
6.  Spending an hour in Sephora (with her)
7.  Getting manicures side by side
8.  Working out together, while introducing her to new songs on my ipod (not the other way around!)
9.  Going through her wedding box of souvenirs, reliving every moment
10. Spending lots of one-on-one time with my son-in-law
11.  Watching him cook for me, while enjoying every single bite
12.  Watching him WANT to clean up afterwards!  (It relaxes him!)
13.  Playing my favorite game of Mexican Train with the two of them
14.  Coming back home to a 24 hour day of beauty products on QVC
15.  Taking a long bubble bath after stressing, trying to make plane and hotel reservations for 2 hours, online
16.  Waking up to a dark, cloudy morning on a weekend, able to stay in bed and watch the morning news.
17.  Relishing an entire rainy weekend, if I don't have anywhere I have to be
18.  Going to my 2 favorite local Starbucks, which have both just been remodeled beautifully
19.  Making myself a wonderful lactose free, gluten free healthy breakfast
20.  Hearing my good friend tell me that I'm the happiest person she's ever seen (see above list as to why that might be true!)
I wish days of bliss- whatever those might be- for you, too!

INSPIRATION FROM AN OLYMPIAN

You may not be familiar with the name, Oscar Pistorius, but you have probably heard his nickname, "The Bladerunner".  This inspirational human being was born with a genetic defect in his legs, so severe, that both legs had to be amputated below the knees, when he was only 11 months old!  Several months later, he was fitted with prostheses and went on to live a normal life, thanks to his parents, who did not believe in pampering him.  His mother would say to his brother, "Go put on your shoes," while, at the same time, she would tell Oscar, "Go put on your legs!"  Now, he is an Olympian!!  Unfortunately, his mother died when he was a young teen (as if he didn't have enough heartache as it was, right?!)  When interviewed a few days ago about that, his reply was this:  "Don't mourn the time you don't have with them; celebrate the time you did."  An inspiration in more ways than one!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!!

OK, get this.  Yesterday was my dad's 94th birthday!  I had exactly a 45 minute window of opportunity to get in touch with him.  Why?  Because he was either golfing, playing cards (in the morning), or going out to dinner and playing cards (in the evening)!  And I thought MY life was busy!!  Not only is he physically active, but mentally, too!
I first TEXTED him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday. Then, during that open 45 minutes of opportunity in the late afternoon, we SKYPED!  He told me then that he couldn't keep up with all the people who were wishing him a happy birthday on his FACEBOOK!!  Whenever he had an moment here or there, he was playing words with friends on his I-PHONE with my daughter!!  He is UNBELIEVABLE, YES????  It makes me burst with pride, not to mention awe, to see how engaged with life he is!!!  Many, many more happy birthdays, Dad!  I love you!  BTW, did you pass down any of those genes or did you keep them all to yourself??

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!

I was watching the Today Show today, as I do most everyday, and there was a segment by Jane Pauley on aging.  She interviewed a man, who, when he was going through a divorce and depression, he went to the beach to de-stress.  Being a carpenter, he decided, just on a lark, to build a sandcastle.  It was therapy for him.  Now he has commissions all over the world as a professional sand sculpturer!  But it was his words, even more than his beautiful work, that really got to me.  He said, "If you're really dissatisfied, find something that feeds your soul, that gets you excited.  Don't quit your job."  (Altho he did, after 6 months!)  "Just make it a bigger part of your life, because that's going to give you the balance that you need."  He loves doing what he does, especially because he is always surrounded by happy people, who are in awe of his work, as am I!  He said, "It's so intoxicating.  I had never had those moments before in my life." When he was asked what happens if the sandcastle falls down, his answer was, "Things collapse, just like in life.  You just start all over again."  His only regret?  He didn't start doing this until after age 50.  The lesson here:  start early in life making time for the things that truly bring you joy!

EXCLUSIVE CLUB, INDEED!

I was talking on the phone yesterday to my best bud from high school. We only chat about every 4 months or so, but when we do, well, her husband said it best when he answered the phone:  "I'll go get her and some iced tea, because she's going to be sitting on the porch for an hour!"  I love how we can just pick up wherever we left off, so many months prior!  I know this is rare.
   Something even more rare is what she commented upon:  I am the only one of her friends (we live in different states) that still has both parents alive and well!  I never thought of that!  Come to think of it, I told her, I am the only one of MY friends, too, who has both parents living!  The youngest of my sibs is in his mid 50's and the oldest, is in his upper 60's and for all of us to have our parents still around, is, well, amazing!!
    My dad commented the other day that he and my mom now have 10 GREAT grandchildren and one more on the way!!  Are you kidding me?!  My parents knew nothing about their own grandparents, not even their names!!  Then, their own parents, my grandparents, were all deceased by the time I was 12, so my memories of them are minimal.  How crazy is it that we mid-lifers still have our parents, which means that our own kids, who are all in their 30's and 40's, still have their grandparents, and vital ones at that??  My gosh!  If each generation continues to live so much longer than the ones before, get ready, kids!  I'm stickin' around till I'm 125!!  I know my son-in-law loves me, but even he might be thinking I've overstayed my welcome!  ha!
   Well, as my mother turns 89 on Friday, I wish her a very happy birthday, and many, many more, to be sure!

HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN

1.  Has unbelievable, incredible skin!  I'm really thinking it might be due to the fact that she has always worn hats with brims!
2.  Rarely is seen wearing sunglasses.  Has the brim protected her from getting cataracts, also?
3.  Smiles so infrequently that when she actually does, it looks fake!  How sad is that?
4.  Wears THE most beautifully coordinated, brightly colored outfits with matching hat and (always)pearls (necklace, earrings, broach or all 3), but then why does she always carry THE ugliest black purse and wear ugly black heels?!  Those ladies-in-waiting have failed their queen!
5.  Has kept in great shape for all of her 86 years.  How?  Do you think she hops on the treadmill or elliptical?  Does she even own tennis shoes?  If so, are they also black?
6.  Shows so little emotion that I want to reach through the TV screen, shake her and say, "COME ON, LADY!!  Doesn't four days of celebrating YOU mean that your subjects deserve some kind of spontaneity, warmth or enthusiasm from you?  Even for one brief, shining moment??
7.  Is probably so upset with her husband that he messed up both Christmas and now her Diamond Jubilee celebration that she'll make him walk behind her from now on!
8.  Was a sweetheart in calling my mother everyday when they were both pregnant:  the Queen with Charles and my mum with me.  (I am one day older than Charlie).
9. Must be doing something right:  married for 64 years, on the throne for 60, has kids, grandkids and an entire country who respect and adore her.......HIP! HIP! HOORAY!!

FROM ONE OF THOSE ANONYMOUS EMAILS

1.  "It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."
2.  "Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
      Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
      Go for someone who makes you smile,
      Because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
      Find the one that makes your heart smile."

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

We all know that such a circle exists, but every so often, this fact dramatically hits us upside the head!  Two days ago, my niece gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  Only a few hours later, the father of a good friend of mine, died.  One came into the world; one left it.  One has a lifetime to live (hopefully!) and one lived a lifetime.  Happysadtears.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!

I have written before about the importance of living a conscious life- one in which we are totally plugged in, and not just swept along on the current of life, not noticing those important details that are all around us.  I was happy to read an editorial in my favorite magazine, MORE, where Lesley Jane Seymour, Editor-in-Chief, writes of the same thing. She put it so beautifully, that I just had to share.
"From age 13-45, we treat each day as if it were a tiny clown car into which we jam, squish or squeeze eight more activities than is physically possible....This frantic, exhausting circus act called life seems as if it's going to stretch on forever- and we're left begging for just a five minute intermission."  Years pass, and "we start spending Saturday nights at events we are actually interested in.  Wrinkle creams materialize on our bathroom counters, and gray hairs on our heads.  Suddenly there is a "big" birthday and we realize that intermission is upon us!  Now we don't want to treat each day like a tiny clown car anymore.  We want to be conscious of the way we spend our time...... I've decided I want to do only the things that will help me live a life that's fuller, richer- and slower."  And this is precisely why I "allow" myself to sit on my back porch, with a book on my lap, possessing none of the guilt that I used to have when I wasn't doing or going.  Age can be a wonderful thing!

ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW .......?

........we (it can't just be ME!) regard certain celebrities as our own personal friends and are really sad when they die?  This was definitely true for me when Princess Diana died.  I just adored that woman!  To the world, it looked like she was truly living a princess type life, but inside, she was so vulnerable and lonely.  However, thankfully, her kids brought her such happiness and joy!  She was an incredible mom- so involved, caring and loving.  And look at the fine young men her sons have  become.  She would have been so proud of them!
   But this isn't about Diana.  It's about Dick Clark's death.  I heard someone say on TV that Dick had, incredibly, touched 6 generations!!!  Wow!  That's quite a legacy!  In his case, when he died, a little part of me also died, because I grew up with American Bandstand.  My sister and I would come home from school, turn on the TV, put a fake mike in our hands, sing and dance to American Bandstand.  When Dick died, he took an important part of my youth, my history, with him.  Isn't that strange how that happens?  I didn't even know the man!
   I've always loved game shows, too, especially way back when.  I grew up with my mother loving them and I passed that gene onto my own kids, too. $20,000 Pyramid was one of my favorites, (along with the Newlywed Game and Tattletales!)  Dick Clark was a genius, but a quiet one.  I've heard that he's worth over $100 million!  I have no idea if that's true or not, but none of us would have known that he was worth that much, because of the "normal" way that he chose to live his life.  So admirable.
   Fare thee well, Dick Clark.  My life, and many others' lives, have been greatly touched by the fact that you lived.  Strange how that happens.

PAYING A CONDOLENCE CALL IS WHAT EXACTLY?

"Condolence is the art of giving courage."  Monica Lehner-Kahn

WHO AM I??

If ever you needed a reason to appreciate life, then you MUST read Scott Bolzan's non-fiction book:  MY LIFE DELETED: A MEMOIR!  He is a former NFL football player for the Cleveland Browns, who, at the age of 46, had become a very successful businessman, but in 2008, he slipped and fell in a men's restroom and completely, totally, lost his memory!!  He had been married for 24 years, but when his wife got to the hospital, not only did he not know who she was, he didn't even know what a wife was!!  He didn't know his kids or his parents, either!  Not only that, he didn't know the first thing about football or his current profession of being a successful pilot!  His entire former 46 years had been wiped off the map!!  CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE????
Doctors told him that he should retrieve his memory in 2 weeks, but unfortunately, that was not the case.  He has had to start his life anew and make new memories from that day forward.  What was most fascinating to me, while reading this, was how he was an OUTsider, looking INTO his own life!  When going back to his house for the first time since his hospital stay, he couldn't understand why his wife had to have so many pairs of shoes or why he had to have so many watches! G-d forbid this should happen to any of us, but what would we think if we had to look objectively into the lives that we've led?  Would we also think we had too many possessions?  Too large a house?  Would we learn to love our spouses, parents, siblings and friends again or not?  Scott's challenges, and those of his family, were overwhelming.  Honestly, I don't know if I could have done as well as he has, but I do know that he has given me a completely different perspective on life.  Two years later, his therapist "predicted that my biggest challenge would be to adjust to who I was now and accept that I might never know who I'd been before, to face the reality that I had experienced a death- in myself.  I should grieve the old Scott, which might take years, rather than try to bring him back."  How awful would that be, to not have a past??  This is a book that I absolutely could not wait to pick up every night, before I went to bed. I count my blessings as never before.  I'm sure you will, too.

YOUR BIG BIRTHDAY!

"Close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine that today is your 100th birthday.  Your children and grandchildren are throwing a party- and a newspaper reporter has come to interview you.  What do you want to tell the reporter about your life?  Your accomplishments?  Your regrets?  Now, open your eyes.  It's not too late- you have a fresh start on life!"
From the Book of FIVE.

ARE YOU REALLY LIVING LIFE?

"I don't want to get to the end of my  life and find that I lived just the length of it.  I want to have lived the width of it as well."
Diane Ackerman

MAYBE THE AMISH HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA!

 For years, I have been fascinated by the Amish.  After watching a 2 hour special on PBS about them recently, I now am more entranced than ever.  My kids live on opposite coasts and the only way I can see them for an extended period of time is to move near one of them parttime, as in renting an apartment.  This is both costly and inconvenient, but do I want to be with my kids?  Absolutely!  So this is what it takes to make that come true.
The Amish, on the other hand, never leave their families!  They live and work in the same communities for generations. They prohibit the use of telephones in their homes (altho they can use public phones), because they feel that if they could talk to others on the phone, then they wouldn't make the effort to see them in person.  And the reason they don't allow themselves to drive (altho they can drive in others' cars) is because they could then get jobs that might take them away from their families and communities.  Their whole way of being centers around the church, cooperation and looking out for one another.  There is no competition, no desire to have a bigger house or a bigger buggy than their neighbor, no me, me, me!
Do I want to be Amish and live without modern conveniences?  T0 be only thought of as part of a group and not admired or valued for who I am as an individual?  To have no choice but to work on the family farm?  Of course not!  But I do find myself frequently wishing we could go back to simpler times, when we weren't always rushing to get somewhere or to accomplish something, when we just sat out on our front porches with our families and neighbors and took life in, one breath at a time.  No multi tasking. No social media.
Our world was a more intimate place, and we were always with the ones we loved and cared about most.  Day after day, night after night.  Now, I am making plans to get that apartment in a new city, making other plans to travel to a different city to be with relatives for the upcoming holiday, making more plans to take care of my elderly parents in yet, another city...........yes, the Amish are probably looking at OUR way of life and thinking that we are the ones who are strange!
And I just might have to agree with them!

DO IT NOW!

"Each morning he'd stack up the letters he'd write.....tomorrow.  And think of the friends he'd fill with delight.....tomorrow.  It was too bad, indeed; he was busy today and hadn't a minute to stop on his way. 'More time I'll give to others,' he'd say.....tomorrow.  But the fact is he died and faded from view and all that he left when the living was through was a mountain of things he intended to do.....tomorrow."
Unknown (from the book of FIVE)

"LIVE YOUR LIFE ON PURPOSE"

From the book, FIVE:
 "Five years....260 weeks....1,825 days, 2,333,000 minutes.  What will you do with it?  What COULD you do with it?.......In just under 5 years, Michelango painted the Sistine Chapel; In less than 5 years, Shakespeare wrote 'Hamlet', 'Othello', 'King Lear', 'Macbeth' and 5 other immortal plays;  In 1961, Julia Child graduated from cooking school wtih a quirky idea for a TV show.  Four years later she won an Emmy as America's favorite TV chef;  At age 30, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos was living in a 500 square foot apartment.  Five years later his net worth was $10 billion."
"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And you are the one who'll decide where to go."  Dr. Seuss

"LIFE ENDS AT DEATH AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE"

I am fortunate enough to still have both my parents- alive and well- at the ages of 88 and 93.  I know that I am in the minority, but it's a good minority in which to be a member!  However, my siblings and I know that the time will come, probably sooner rather than later, that we have to be prepared.  It's quite a juggling act, both emotionally and mentally, to ask our parents specific questions as to their wishes should they become incompacitated and yet, not to convey the idea that we think they are close to dying!  I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be 93 years of age and know that you're lucky if you live another 7 years!
The key here is to accept the fact that we cannot prevent death and the pain that it causes, but we can make the experience better, for both the survivors and the dying.  And that means actually planning for it!
   "The dying want to be treated as living human beings until the moment they die. But often, we 'bury them alive' by thinking of them as their diseases, by acting as if they are incapable of making their own decisions, by negating their opinions, by overlooking their desires, by withholding information from them, and by omitting them from conversations.  Without realizing we are doing so, we rob them of their dignity.  While we should never deny that the dying are dying, we should also never treat them as broken or no longer whole.  Despite their illnesses, they are still whole human beings.
When our loved ones first become sick, it is easy to see them as being whole people with a little bit of disease.  As the illness progresses, however, our loved one seems to become less of a person and more of the disease.  We begin to have difficulty seeing the whole individual.  Seeing beyond the illnesses is one of the most meaningful gifts we can give them.  It is a greater gift to ourselves."  David Kessler
Probably most of us look in the mirror and wonder who that older person is looking back at us, because we still see ourselves as young and vibrant.  Well, the same holds true of those who are dying.  We need to remember that the sick and/or dying were once young, full of hopes and dreams and life.  That is who they still are, deep inside.  Neither age nor disease has taken that away........and we shouldn't either.

LONG STORY, SHORT ENDING

I know this past week has been non-stop Whitney Houston and that has been really annoying and baffling to some people to which I am very close.  "How can they honor a drug addict and alcoholic?" they ask.  But here is how I answer that question.  The proverbial "they" aren't honoring her decline, her fall from grace, but they are honoring who she once was:  a young woman whose future brimmed with light and life.  And by her sharing her gifts with the world, she brightened all our lives as well.  We celebrated her by buying her CD's, watching her movies and yes, expecting more and more of the same.  "To whom much is given, much is expected."  As we do with all celebrities, we put them on pedestals and then when they falter from all the weight of the never ending, unrealistic expectations we put upon them, we click our tongues out of pity and disgust as we watch them fall, ever so far, down that slippery slope of what used to be.
Don't get me wrong.  We, the public, did not cause Whitney's death, nor Michael Jackson's, nor Elvis', nor Heath Ledger's or any of the others who have fallen to drugs and despair.  Even their families cannot be blamed.  Many family members tried, and tried again, to get their sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, the help they needed, but in the end, it was the person, him/herself, who was responsible for his/her own demise.
But, what's the saddest thing of all to me, is to watch the early videos of these young people, how they had their whole lives ahead of them, how they were so young, innocent and full of promise.......until they lost their way.  As they aged- a big curse in Hollywood- they couldn't put the genie back in the bottle, try as they might (ex- Demi Moore and Whitney both partied with their teenaged daughters).  Think of Whitney at age 19, where she first started out on the Merv Griffin show and look now at her 18 year old daughter.  Her daughter, Bobbi Kristina, has had to live with two drug addicted parents all her life and now, the closest person to her in the entire world, has died.  What a starting off point to adulthood that is!  Whitney, on the other hand, had a very strong mother who guided Whitney with rules and boundaries.  Whitney's road ahead of her was bright and exciting; Bobbi Kristina's is scary and full of grief.  Hopefully, because of what BK has experienced, she will have enough support around her that her star can still shine through the clouds and she can make her mom proud.  I do wish this for her.
   I think both Whitney's bodyguards- her real one, and Kevin Costner, spoke so eloquently at the funeral when they reminded us that superstars are real people, with insecurities and  anxieties, just like the rest of us. No matter how good they are at their craft, they still wonder if they measure up to others' standards.  We need to stop ridiculing them when they don't measure up anymore. It reminds me of falling in love.  Those first 6 months or so when we can barely eat, sleep or think clearly, because our brain chemicals are on overdrive (an anthropologist just recently compared this phenomenon as having the same effect on us as cocaine would!) cannot be sustained. We all know this from our own experiences.  How difficult it must be, then, to have to keep trying to top one's own hit record or movie, again and again and again, for years!
Let's just try to remember that these superstars were once young, with childhood dreams just like we had, they went to our high schools, they sang in our churches; they were, for a time, one of us.  Let's applaud their successes......only without the pedestals.
Whitney, yours was a voice that will sing through the ages.

SHORT AND TO THE POINT

I've been wanting to write my thoughts about Whitney Houston's death all week, but have just not had the time to do so.  In the meantime, I just want to quote Robin Roberts from Good Morning America:
"We have to remember that a daughter lost her mother and a mother lost her daughter."  I thought that very poignant, especially since the 3 of them seemed to be a very tight package deal.

WE ALL NEED SUPPORT

THE STEPPING STONES by Barbara Williams, Fort Wayne, Indiana

Come, take my hand.

The road is long,

And we must

Travel by stepping stones.

No, you're not alone;

I'll go with you.

I know the road well.

I've been there.

Don't fear the darkness,

I'll be with you.

We must take one step at a time,

But remember, we have to stop awhile.

It is a long way to the other side

And there are many obstacles.

We have many stones to cross, and 

Some are bigger than others.

Shock, denial and anger to start,

Then comes guilt, despair and loneliness.

It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done.

It's the only way to reach the other side.

Come, slip your hand in mine.

What?  Oh, yes.

It is strong.

I've held many hands like yours.

Mine was once small and weak,

Like yours; because you see,

Once, I had to hold someone else's hand

In order to take the first step.

Oops, you stumbled!

Go ahead and cry.

Don't be ashamed, I understand.

Let's wait here awhile and get your breath.

When you're stronger, we'll go on....

One step at a time.....

There's no need to hurry.

Say, it's nice to hear you laugh.

Yes, I agree, the memories

you shared are good.

Look, we're halfway there now;

I can see the other side.

It looks so warm and sunny.

Have you noticed?

We're nearing the last stone,

And you're standing alone!

And look at your hand....

You've let go of mine.

We've reached the other side.

But wait, look back.

Someone is standing there.

He is alone and wants to

Cross the stepping stones.

I'd better go,

He needs my help.

What?  Are you sure?

Why yes, go ahead.  I'll wait.

You know the way,

You've been there.

Yes, I agree,

It's your turn, my friend.

To help someone else

Cross the stepping stones.

THE CYCLE OF LIFE

Last weekend, my daughter and I attended a funeral for the father of one of her closest friends.  I knew him, but not well, so I surprised myself by not being able to stop crying during the service!  The tears started when his daughter, Liz, walked into the church.  Knowing that she was now an orphan, (her mother had died 11 years earlier), was really tough, especially because I still have both my parents and I'm twice her age.  Liz has a wonderful family of her own, and a sibling, who also has a wonderful family, so she is definitely not alone, but she is parentless.  And that is why the tears wouldn't stop.
   Funerals are for the living, not for the deceased.  They serve many purposes: "they help us acknowledge the reality of the death, give testimony to the life of the deceased, encourage the expression of grief, provide support to the mourners, allow for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death and offer continuity and hope for the living."  Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.  A video was shown of his life, along with stories told and songs read by his grown kids, that really helped us all to get to know him better.  In my opinion, laughter is such an important part of a funeral and it was definitely in full force here.  Happy, sad tears.
   After the funeral and graveside service, my daughter and I went back to the house for the reception, where Liz's dad lived and where Liz had grown up.  What must that have been like for her and her brother to now be in that house without their dad?  We could definitely feel his presence, but still...... he wasn't there.  And what will happen from now on, when Liz and her brother and their families come to town to visit, but he's not there to greet them or to play with his grandchildren?  That will be so strange.  And so sad.  But life goes on.
   Speaking of which, after a period of time, I asked my daughter to accompany me to my Significant Other's great nephew's one year old birthday party, since she had never met alot of these relatives and just happened to be in town at this time to be able to do so.  She made me promise that we would only stay one hour, so that she could get back to her grieving friend, which was the whole purpose of her visit.  I concurred.  As we were driving to the party, we both commented on the cycle of life.  Liz's dad just left this life and immediately behind him was this adorable one year old little boy just beginning his.  Life is a cycle.  It begins and it ends and it begins again.  We have to die, so as to make room for the ones behind us to live.  But as long as we continue to talk about the deceased, speak their names, tell their stories and honor their memories, they will live on through many generations to come.

WHAT A SEND-OFF!

All too often, funerals, wakes and homes where grievers gather to pay their respects are sad and depressing with  lots of tears, muffled sobs and voices nearly heard above a whisper. However, there are others who choose to honor their deceased in a far different manner: with tears of laughter, funny stories and shared memories that really showcase the personality of the one who died.  I love the latter!  I leave the ceremony appreciating so much more about the person than I did when I arrived.  In fact, I so wish that I had known these things when he/she was alive!  When my father-in-law died almost 20 years ago now, my son, who was 16 at the time, was asked by his grandmother if he would like to give the eulogy.  He was more than honored to do so.  We're talking 16 here (!) and in front of a huge crowd, as his grandfather was a bigshot physician in the community.  Well, Adam blew the crowd away!  No one else could have captured his grandpa's mannerisms, expressions and personality in the way that Adam did.  Everyone laughed and nodded their heads as if to say, "Yep!  That was Henry!"  I will never forget it and hopefully, no one else will, either.
Along those same lines, the father of my Significant Other ( my "SO") died recently and the dear, sweet wife of Jack (the deceased) came up with a brilliant idea.  She asked her sons and grandsons to each wear one of Jack's ties to the funeral.  The best part was that they each got to choose one that they remembered him wearing, so there was that extra special connection.  Then, for the reception afterwards, she had wanted all four of her/their sons to wear one of the many caps without which Jack was never seen!  (They were like golfer's caps or French berets).  Then, one of Jack's daughters piggybacked on this idea and inquired as to whether all the GRANDsons could also participate, so they went into Jack's closet, and lo and behold!  He had 44 caps!!!  No one knew it, not even his wife!  They were plaid, corduroy, wool, cashmere, patterned, solid, loud, muted, everything and anything!!!  What a fabulous tribute it was to see Jack's kids and grandkids all wearing his caps.  Pat (Jack's wife), then graciously let everyone keep the tie and hat that he had chosen to wear. You should see the group pictures taken of this sight!  What a joy!  My hat -pun intended!-  is off to this amazing grieving widow who thought of such an endearing way to say good-bye.
 One last thing.  Although almost everyone was wearing black, Pat chose to wear a beautiful purple suit!  How I loved that!  So much so, that I called my kids and told them that for my funeral (hopefully, one day far, far away!!) I don't anyone wearing black!!  I love bright colors!  How flattered I would be to look out (because I truly believe I will be watching!) to see everyone I love, celebrating my life, in the way that I, myself, lived it- surrounded by color, joy and gratefulness for having had them all in my life!

WHAT I READ AT MY "FATHER-IN-LAW'S" FUNERAL

This was written a century ago by Henry Scott Holland, a professor of divinity at Oxford University:
"Death is nothing at all- I have only slipped away into the next room.  I am I, and you are you.  Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.  Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.  Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.  Laugh at the little jokes we enjoyed together.  Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.  Let it be spoken without the ghost of a shadow on it.  Life means all that it ever meant.....there is absolutely unbroken continuity.  I am waiting for you-somewhere near just around the corner.
All is well."

DEATH OF A "PARENT"

I've talked here before about disenfranchised grievers (refer to my October 19, 2011 post about grieving for an ex-spouse).  These are grievers not recognized by society, for one reason or another, and I am one of those.  I have been with my Signficant Other (otherwise known as my SO) for over 10 years now, happily unmarried.  Unfortunately, there is no term for middle aged couples, who are together, but not married.  "Girlfriend" is too young; "Significant other" is a mouthful;
"Lover" is too personal; "Spousal equivalent" is lame, etc. etc.  So........ when his dad died suddenly last week, much to his mother's dismay, I was not mentioned in the obituary with all of the other family members (how adorable that this woman who just became a widow worried a single second about this issue!!)  Truly, I was not upset.  I told her that I am not a member of the family, altho I have always been made to feel as if I am!  (My SO's family is absolutely awesome, in every way!)  My SO's ex-wife was also at the funeral, because she has maintained a good relationship with his family (I told you his family was amazing!)  She, being an ex-spouse, is also a disenfranchised griever.  But the death of a man that we ALL knew and loved brought us together, not only to grieve, but to honor his life and his name.  No label is necessary.  Rest in peace, Jack.

THE TWILIGHT IN OUR LIVES

 The Babylonian Talmud states, "for twilight lasts but for the blink of an eye: night enters, and day departs."  We have all used the expression, "in the blink of an eye......." referring to experiences such as how fast our kids have grown up (it SEEMED like we blinked and then they were adults!) or how an accident or a medical diagnosis changed our lives on a dime.  Rabbi David Stern of Dallas, Texas wrote an interesting article in his Temple's newsletter, concerning the transition of time, between night and day and the topic of death.  "If [our loved ones] have struggled with debilitating illness of mind or body, we say they were not themselves long before the last breath left them-sometimes the twilight seems sorrowfully long and we say, 'She left us long ago.'  And sometimes life is snuffed out in an instant, at the height of someone's powers.  And we wish there had been any twilight at all- even the blink of an eye.  And we weep our tears on our long paths and in our shattered instants.  And we find our way in the inexorable rhythm of things:  'Night enters and day departs.'  My wish in 2012 is that you relish every twilight you are privileged to enjoy.