IF THERE HAS TO BE DIVORCE....

    I was married for 30 years to a wonderful man.  We had two incredible children that have grown up to become even more amazing adults.   They have done us proud.  For reasons that will remain private, we divorced.  The first year or two post divorce was tricky.  Feelings were hurt, new people came into our lives and we were both trying to feel our way.  Our kids, altho both in their 20's, were also struggling with the new arrangements.  Divorce is never easy on kids, no matter how old they are.  They tried so hard to make sure that the time they spent with each of their parents was exactly 50/50.   How difficult that must have been for them!
   But here we are, 13 years out, and my "once upon a time husband" and I are still very much in each other's lives.  We both decided, from the get-go, that we were not going to drag each other through the mud.   That meant, we were not going to say anything negative about the other to our adult children.  To this day, we have kept that promise.  And because of that, we are still that core family that we were when he and I were married.  Both of us have had other long term relationships and a marriage, but our significant  others have had to learn that the original bond that brought my ex and I together is a bond too strong to ever break.  We were in our 20's when we met and married.  We grew up together.  And we will grow old together, only in a different way than we originally planned.
    It's difficult for me to understand how some people are so bitter when they divorce that they spend years  trying to destroy their former spouse, either financially or emotionally.  Why?  Who's to gain from that?  Even in my own family, I have seen this happen.  It's such a waste of life!  Usually, it's the one who is hanging onto the bitterness and resentment is the one who is suffering, not the other one who has, most likely, moved on with his/her own life.    Life happens, not always the way we planned.  We cannot control events, but we CAN change or control how we react to those events.  It's a choice.
    "Divorce and death do not END relationships; they CHANGE relationships."  (Harold Ivan Smith)  My ex and I have made the conscious decision to stay in each others'  lives until death do us part.  After all, that's what we promised one another so many years ago.  I wish the same for all of you who are divorced or are thinking of divorce.  I know this may be an impossibility in some cases,  and for legitimate reasons, but,  IF it is at all possible, your kids will be forever grateful that you both made this choice to remain friends, or, at the very least, friendly.
 

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

   I really try hard not to set my expectations too high for people, because I know full well that that is just setting myself up for disappointment.   I honestly feel that I have realistic expectations, most of the time.  However, lately,  I seem to have experienced an unusual amount of disappointment in the behavior of those to whom  I have always felt close.  I struggle with the choice of either being honest with my feelings and telling them or just letting these experiences go, and the friendships, with it.
    Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals.  It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years!  It's not that easy!"
    So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled.  I  am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on.  These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
   When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us.  Too often, they are not.  I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering.  Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system.  A double whammy.
    This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost.  It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was.  Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions."  As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
    People change, friendships change, situations change.  It's all a part of life.  No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in.  My own parents, who are both in their 90's,  have lost so many friends, through death and illness.  My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them.  My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long."  I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends!  My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
    For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood.  For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life.  It's all good.  But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.
 

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS

In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin's character said this:
"You'll always have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."

WHAT TO SAY AND NOT SAY TO GRIEVERS

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The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. I am so sorry for your loss.

2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

3. I doow how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.

4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…

6. I am always just a phone call away

7. Give a hug instead of saying something

8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you

9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything

10. Saying nothing, just be with the person

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young

2. He is in a better place

3. She brought this on herself

4. There is a reason for everything

5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now

6. You can have another child still

7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him

8. I know how you feel

9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go

10. Be strong

From Grief.com.  I welcome the good and not so good comments that people have made to you when you were grieving.  We all need to learn from each other.

WE HAVE ALOT TO LEARN FROM CHILDREN

  We’ve all been kids.  Do you ever look back at those early, formative years and think, wistfully, how carefree life was?  We played outside with friends, rode our bikes in the neighborhood, walked to and from school, etc.  Do you also remember how easily we shared our feelings?  If we liked someone, we told him/her.  If we were sad, or if others hurt our feelings, we cried and then soon after, we were happy again.  At least in the early years, we didn’t even THINK to or know HOW to suppress our feelings.  It was really refreshing to be allowed to be so honest, altho, we didn’t realize it at the time.  But if you’ve had kids or grandkids of your own, you’ve seen this phenomenon through their young eyes, also.  Isn’t it wonderful to hear them talk so openly and honestly…..until late in elementary school when they start becoming self conscious?

   As we get older, we become very protective of our feelings.  It’s almost UNnatural to express the way we truly feel.  Yet, when our loved ones are on their death beds, we want to, or try to, tell them how we feel about them.  If they die suddenly or before we’ ve had a chance to tell them, we live with regrets and guilt the rest of our lives:  “if only, if only, if only….”  but then, it’s too late.  The sad thing is we NEVER know when it WILL be too late!  What are we waiting for?!

   We get so caught up in our lives that we think there will always be time to be with our loved ones, or to tell them how we feel about them.  We don’t make it a priority to be with them.  This all came into play with my own life lately.  As I’ve mentioned, I’ve had several family members struggling with health issues.  Because none of my family lives locally, I’ve had to get on a plane to be with them.  But you know what?  I know that there is nowhere else I would rather be and nothing more important than being with them.  And I tell them all the time I love them.  For you, if it makes your loved ones uncomfortable that you are expressing yourself so honestly, it doesn’t matter!  What matters is that you told them.  We should never feel guilty for expressing our feelings.  “Pride is such a waste of time!  We are all human.  We are allowed to be vulnerable, too.  It is part of the process.”  (from Jude, a dying man).  How many people have had to live with the fact that they didn’t make the effort to tell their loved ones how they felt and then, when their loved ones died,  their guilt turned toxic, as they battled, often for the rest of their lives, with, “I wish I had….”

   Everyone dies.  No one knows when.  Say it now.  It will bring you peace.  No regrets.

SAY IT NOW, NOT AT THEIR FUNERAL!

  My father-in-law, Henry Saunders,  who died over 20 years ago,  was a well known and very well respected pediatrician in Cleveland.  Generations of families took their kids to him, which always made him proud that that was so.  Although he wasn’t a warm and fuzzy kind of guy, he was loved by all.  I definitely attribute my love of parenting and my interest in the study of  families, ( master’s degree in family studies) to him.  He didn’t just treat the kids physically, but he addressed the whole family, helping the parents to become better parents.  I loved observing how he did that, especially because that was not my experience as a child who went to a “scary” pediatrician.

   Dr. S. absolutely loved what he did.  I have never seen, before or since, a doctor on call, seven days a week, but he was.  The phone never stopped ringing- at his home!  And it never bothered him.  Because he loved his work and his patients so much, he would not retire…...until he finally did at the age of 80!  And when he did, there was a huge celebration for him at Case Western Reserve, put on by his patients, would you believe, where they named a scholarship after him.  The wonderful things that people said about him and to him made a big impression on me.  I remember thinking how great it was that he was alive to hear all these wonderful sentiments!!

    Ever since then, I have been on a silent mission.  I attend funerals, as do all of you, and I always think to myself how wonderful it would have been had the deceased been able to hear what people thought of him/her while he was still alive.  Not only that, but I usually come away from the service thinking that I wish I had KNOWN all these things about him while he/she was still alive.

   My younger brother, whom I have written about, is battling cancer now for the third time.  As awful as that is, he is fortunate in that he has a huge support system, because of his profession as a very well known DJ in Orlando.  He has decided to keep his listeners informed of his progress on his facebook page and on the radio’s website- (mix105.1/scott). Whenever he posts anything,  in a matter of minutes, he has hundreds (we’re talking 700 plus!!) of well wishers, saying the most unbelievable things!!  They make ME cry, so I can’t even imagine what they’re doing to Scott, and some of them are also multi generational listeners, just as with my father--in-law.  Scott is humbled, surprised and incredibly thankful to have so many people in his corner.

   I told him of my “living funeral” concept and how happy I am that he is alive to hear how loved he is.  As he battles back to health, he will have those dark days (hopefully, very few!), but he can always just prop up his laptop or ipad and read through all the lovely thoughts and feelings that his listeners, family and friends have for him.  Then, those dark clouds will part to allow in those rays of sunshine, his many supporters.

   My message here is not to make you throw a party for yourself, so that you can hear nice things, (well, on second thought…..) but to think of creative ways that you could let the ones you love, especially those who are ill or elderly, know now, before it’s too late,  that so many people love them and have been influenced by them in ways they never dreamed possible.  Can you just imagine what that would do for their spirits?  Hold their “funerals” now, so that when the time actually  does come for the funeral, even if it’s years and years in the future,  everything will have already been said…….and the deceased will have heard it!

WHO SUPPORTS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING?

    When we grieve, whether our loss be a death, divorce, move, retirement, health issues, aging or a hundred other losses, we realize that we can't do it alone.  We might start out wanting to go into hibernation mode, get into bed and pull the covers over our head, but that works only short term.  Eventually, we all learn that we need others to be there with and for us,  who will "sit in our puddle with us."  (thank you, Barb Petsel).
    As I travel this road of loss of health for several family of origin members, I am surprised, thrilled and disappointed- all at the same time- at my support system.  I would put my oldest friends into the lower, disappointing category,  a couple of newer friends into the surprising, but "glad to have ya!" category and move up to the highest rung possible, my siblings and kids.  My kids have always been #1 in my world, and they remain so, each and everyday of my life, so their support has always been and will always be stable, thank G-d!  My siblings and I (I have three), have always had a wonderful relationship with one another, but because we are spread out across the country, we didn't really stay in touch on a frequent basis.....until now.
    Our parents have just made a very traumatic, but necessary, move from Florida to Ohio and my mother's dementia has taken a downward turn with that.  Thank goodness that two of my siblings love close by to my parents' new abode, and go over there everyday to check in.  These siblings (a sister and brother), also write my other brother and myself, who both live out of state, daily journal entries by email that are both comical and poignant.  I'm disappointed when I don't see an email from them!   My sister, who never relished talking on the phone before any of this, actually called me two days in a row, early in the morning, to vent.  How I loved that!  I felt closer to her than I ever had before.
    A few years ago, we all made a pact with one another that we would remain a united front, when it came to anything having to do with our parents.  This isn't to say that we don't have different opinions, because we definitely do, but, but if that IS the case,  we always come to some kind of consensus.  It was so interesting and heartening, that with this move, we all just, almost naturally, took up our "command posts," in handling different aspects of the move:  furnishing their new apartment in Ohio, selling their house in Florida, working with the residential facility in Ohio or with the senior transition agency in Florida.  We all had our own responsibilities, but always, conferred with each other throughout it all, never having to handle anything alone.
    As if the move and dementia wasn't bad enough, unfortunately, our youngest brother found out, at the same time, that his cancer has returned for the third time.  Who do you think writes the funniest medical updates of anyone?  He does!!  Don't ever underestimate the power of humor with loss!  It is one of the best, but most unused tools that we have to get through grief.  It is such a vital aspect to maintaining one's sanity!  I cannot tell you how many times I have laughed through my tears!
    I have heard horror stories from other families and how adversity split them all apart, some permanently.  What a shame and a waste of life!  As we grow older, time and relationships become front and center and more valued than ever before.  For those of you who are "only children," and have had to bear your parents' medical problems, having no siblings with which to share your burden, I do hope that you have cousins or other important people in your life to be there for you and with you.  Family is not just the family you were born into.  It's also the one you created yourself with a spouse or partner, or the one you developed through friendships.  Whatever your family configuration, I hope that they are there for you, through the good times and the bad, because you cannot and should not travel this road alone.
   "When you can't see the cables on a bridge, because of fog, you know the supports are still there.  Who are your 'cables?'"  Harold Ivan Smith.