STILL LEARNING AT MIDDLE AGE!

    Being middle aged has its' challenges.  On the one hand, we may be free of day to day parenting (altho with multiple marriages now, this might not even be true!), we're feeling free to travel or try totally new ventures, but then two things get in the way:  our bodies start to show wear and tear and may need replacement parts (!) and our parents become elderly and need our help more than ever before.  Gail Sheehy calls it the "collision of life stages."
    As with all of life, it's our attitude that makes the difference.  We can either look upon this period as a drag or as a blessing (or a mixture of both!)  I will choose to look at the bright side, since I am a notorious optimist.  This is an opportunity to reconnect with our parents, sharing strengths and vulnerabilities that we weren't able to or wouldn't allow ourselves to do, before now.
   No doubt about it, tho, it's a real learning curve!  Our parents have always taken care of US, worried about US, given US advice and now, the tables have turned.  It's almost like THEY are the kids and WE are the adults!  That mind shift can be mind numbing.
   I'm in the midst of this now myself, along with several of my friends.  The common denominator with us is that our parents don't live anywhere near us.  How do we protect and take care of them when we are so far away?  Move them closer to us and take them out of their familiar surroundings?  One friend has chosen this route and feels as if she is taking care of an infant, because her 95 year old dad is, understandably, like a fish out of water and totally at her mercy.  He's not happy and neither is she, (for now), but she felt this was the best choice, rather than his being alone, so far away.  The worst part for her is that before he made the move, at her insistence, she had finally retired, after working all of her adult life, and she was ready to PLAY!  Unfortunately, recess has been postponed.
    My parents, on the other hand, are struggling with health issues,  none of their kids lives in the same city and my folks refuse to move.  They always valued their independence.  They chose to move away from their kids and grandkids, to live in a warmer climate where they could enjoy my dad's retirement.  That worked for many years..... but it's not working now.  They still have their independence, they still have the warm climate, but now my dad is the sole caregiver of my mother, who is losing her memory......and he's 92!
   So, we siblings are doing the best we can by visiting our folks more than we ever have before and skyping, so we can actually see that they are OK and not just hear them say so on the phone.  My dad is wonderful at keeping in touch by email, which is a real gift, but sometimes his words break my heart and I can't give him the hug that he so needs at that moment.
   And being the ages that we, ourselves, are, we have our own set of issues:  my one brother just became an empty nester of an only child and is struggling with that life transition, my sister is having a partial knee replacement, my other brother is working middle of the night shifts and I am trying to get all of my parents' papers and affairs in order, feeling that I'm in a race against the clock, so I'm peddling as fast as I can.  
    So, as much as middle age can be an exciting time where we might learn new skills, get involved in new causes, learn a new language, run for office, write a book, enjoy our grandchildren, start a new business, etc., it can also be a time when our hopes and new dreams might suddenly  have to do an about face.  Either a significant other, our parents or even ourselves may need serious help.  Sheehy says, in her book, Passages in Caregiving, "The world of caregiving is initially as foreign to some people as life on another planet, yet, caregiving is a predictable crisis, a likely event so scary that we prefer to consider it unlikely."  But that time has come, for many of us, and I'm up for the challenge.  But please allow me to vent along the way!  And feel free to share your experiences, also!
  

PARENTS, COLLEGE BOUND OFFSPRING, MIXED EMOTIONS!

So, let's just see where we are.  We've raised our kids, they're heading out the door to worlds unknown and we parents are left back at the ranch, in total disarray! As our kids are entering a new phase of their lives, so are we.  As they struggle with conflicting emotions about leaving, we struggle with conflicting emotions about being left!
   We are excited about their blossoming independence, but part of us still wants to  feel like we're in control, we're needed, we want to protect them.  What a tightrope we have to walk!  Will they hold onto our family values or adopt entirely new ones?  It's such a different world from when we went to college.  Aren't we entitled to be a bit more overprotective?  We want them to explore, challenge, question, grow, but what if they think everything we do and say is now wrong?!
   Bittersweet is the best word I can think of to describe this time for parents.  There is excitement, nostalgia, hollowness, loneliness, freedom, peacefulness.  One mother from Missouri wrote in LETTING GO by Coburn and Treeger (a must read for this stage in life!):  "I'm ready to go out to dinner more and to cook less, but I'm not sure I'm ready to have my primary parenting years behind me." Or from Pulitzer prize winning columnist, Ellen Goodman: "Tomorrow, for the first time in 18 years, the part of my brain that is always calculating time-school time, work time, dinner time-can let go of its' stopwatch."
  Just as freshmen are re-configuring and re-adjusting their lives away from home, so are we parents.  The relationships with remaining siblings at home will change, marital relationships will be re-examined, rooms in houses may change and most importantly, issues of middle age will slap us smack in the face!  Having daughters is especially painful for mothers at this stage, because we look in our mirrors and wonder how we got here so fast!  How can I be this old?
  Anxiety about finances, menopause, careers, hopes and dreams, elderly parents- can you say disorienting?  A child just left home, maybe an only child, and that is a major LOSS.  We parents are grieving!  Yes, it's a kind of death.  One moment, we're happy; the next, we're depressed.  We want to provide a safe and secure home base for our children, because they are feeling so insecure themselves. Little do they know what we're going through!  it's a tough balancing act, to say the least.
  Our kids want to be independent and self sufficient; yet, they still want to be nurtured and taken care of.  We, the parents, want to give our kids their freedom; yet, we still want to be needed and wanted.  The problem is negotiating this new path, and then re-negotiating throughout the four years.  Not an easy task.  One father writes: "When we heard from him, we had to listen to the melody, not the words.  The melody said,'I need to know you're around.' The words said,'I don't need you.'"
  Another blog, perhaps later in this first semester, will discuss what it's like when college kids come back home for visits.  What a whole other ball of wax that is!!  In the meantime, know that you WILL get through this and come out the other side just fine.  I know.  I've been there and lived to tell about it.  My best advice to you parents?  Recognize that this is, indeed, a loss that needs to be grieved.  Cry all you want and most importantly, do not apologize!!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHERE ARE YOU FROM? WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

    First off, please accept my apologies for not writing on this blog the entire summer!!  I have no idea where the time went!  But I'm back and I plan to be here on a regular basis, so please check in!

    I have several relatives who are in the process of sending their children off to college now, so many that I felt I just had to blog about it.  Some are sending their only child off and others, their last- but all for the first time.  There are mixed emotions, losses and changes all around: from the child (tho he/she is not really a child anymore!) and from the parents.  In fact, this may have to be a two parter!

   So much goes on with this rite of passage.  Here's just a sample:  We've raised our kids to (hopefully) become independent, confident human beings.  But we didn't realize the time would REALLY come when they would be leaving us to do just that!  And how did we get to middle age so fast ourselves? Looking back to when we were THEIR age, and the whole world was in front of US, did our hopes and dreams for ourselves, for the lives we planned, pan out as we envisioned?  Parents AND kids are in flux at the same time, each on the precipice of something new, exciting, frightening and sad.  Separating and letting go, separating and letting go- a constant theme throughout life-but at this stage, especially difficult, because most people don't realize that this particular time has its' own set of dramatic or traumatic set of losses.

    For the "child," he or she is losing the safety and security of home, routines, parental boundaries, familiarity of the hometown, school and friends.  Now, the world is wide open for him/her to make his/her own choices, many, many, many choices!  Sometimes, so many choices that they can be overwhelming: drugs, alchohol, sex, sorority or fraternity, food, sleep (or not!), courses, majors....  And with choices, come pressure.  Lots and lots of pressure!

   Try to see through the eyes of a freshman college student: I'm leaving behind everything I know and everyone familiar to spend the next four years in this strange new world; I was homecoming Queen, cheerleader, football captain, class president, voted most popular, etc. but no one knows or cares here;  I have to share this small room with a total stranger who probably has completely different habits than I do; I have so much work to do, but there are so many other things that look like fun!  I can go out when I want, eat what and when I want, sleep when I want, talk to whomever I want, and my parents will only know what I tell them.  Routines and rhythm of life at home- out the window!  Can you say exhausting? Exhilarating? Or what about just plain overwhelming?!  It's like trying everything on for size and then seeing what fits and tossing out the rest.  Experimentation is necessary, but taken to the extreme, is dangerous.  Where to draw the line?  How to say no?  

   Which brings us back to the loss of the safety and security of what was enjoyed or experienced for the last 18 years.  Now everything is new, exciting, stimulating.......frightening, confusing. stressful.  Newfound freedom also brings on more responsibility;  independence can heighten one's insecurity; promise and potential can quickly change to disappointment.  Wow!  Our kids may be shedding some tears, but do they stem from happiness, sadness or, most likely, both?!  And what about the happy/sad tears from the parents?  Next blog!

As my daughter stated so well, this is the very definition of happysad tears!  (Thanks, Jami!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

THEY'RE GRIEVING AND NO ONE DIED

Most people think of loss and grief as applying only to death or divorce, but nothing could be further from the truth!  There are NON-death losses and they can be just as devastating.  A prime example is what's going on in the Gulf of Mexico.
Every night on the news, there are different stories with different people, but all with the same result: loss of a way of life as it once was..... as it was supposed to be.  It's so painful to watch that I can't even imagine what it must be like actually living right there.
 The other night, it occurred to me how rare a sight it is to see so many grown men cry at one time. We saw it when 9/11 occurred and I'm sure there were other times, too, but they are few and far between, more the exception than the rule.  Watching mens' tears well up, while they try to quickly whisk them away, makes me want to say to all of them, "It's alright to cry.  You need to get this out.  Don't be embarrassed.  You're suffering and need the release.  Let them flow."
    When I was growing up, "big men didn't cry" and "Be a man!" were common expressions.  I'm glad that that has changed in these times, but I doubt that it will ever be as OK for a man to cry in public as it is for a woman.  Why do you think that is?
    I can tell you that we live in a society, in a culture,  where tears are seen as weakness and stoicism is seen as strength.  Even when women cry, have often have you heard them apologize?!  Why do we feel the need to say we're sorry??  Tears are a great way to release our sadness; stifling tears, stifles our sadness.  We love, we lose, we grieve, we cry. 
   In the Gulf states, GENERATIONS of family owned businesses are being destroyed right before their very eyes, while all they can do is watch.  So many non-death losses:  their way of life, financial security, physical and mental health, environmental losses, the loss of their belief systems (i.e. "we did everything right!"), the feelings of safety and security, loss of dreams....... the list is endless!
   My goal here is to make others aware that, although there may not be funerals as such, non-death losses wreak just as much havoc and turmoil in people's lives, cause just as much  grief and mourning, cause just as many tears to flow, as if someone had died.  There are no rituals for non-death losses.  Maybe it's time we started some.  

NEW SLANT ON THINGS

I LOVE the field of bereavement! That probably sounds strange to most of you out there (except for the ones who are also in this field!), but it is such a gratifying, sincere and honest place to be that I feel very comfortable here. People who are grieving, strip off their masks and become vulnerable and raw- no faking anything! Is it any wonder that the song, Masquerade, from Phantom of the Opera is one of my favorites? "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you." Not so with grievers and the dying.

I have been attending seminars and conferences on loss and grief, death and dying, for almost 20 years now. The other day, I was looking for a quote from years past, and was going through all the booklets, notes and papers I had accumulated over the years. (I have enough books to start my own library!) I kept saying to myself, "Oh, I loved that quote!" or "Oh, I need to remember that!" or "Other people need to know this!"

Therefore, I have decided to add something different to this blog, in the hopes that all who read this, will be able to apply some of these pearls of wisdom to your own lives, whenever and wherever you need them. After all, what a waste to let all these things just stay, hidden away in my cabinet, when they could be helping so many people!

Today, I simply want to impart to you things I took away from a conference, led by Deirdre Felton, many years ago. She explained the meanings of the words, bereavement, grief and mourning. Literally, bereavement means "robbed of." Interesting, huh?

Grief is the UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL response to loss. Just as everyone has their own unique fingerprint, we all respond to loss in our own way, too; therefore, let's not be so quick to judge how others grieve. (i.e."she should be over it by now!")

On the other hand, mourning is the PUBLIC response to loss, such as funerals. Mourning has a beginning, middle and end, whereas grief can last a lifetime. Just know that grief and mourning are not the same thing. "Grievers are not always mourners!" Make sense?

Hopefully, whether you are tearfully laughing or crying, you will want to check in here often, so that we can companion on our journeys of life.

IS IT TOO LATE TO SAY WE'RE SORRY??

My other half and I just returned from a fabulous car trip out west to see Mt. Rushmore and Crazy Horse Memorial in S. Dakota and then the Devil's Monument in Wyoming. We were definitely in Indian Country and we loved it!! What saddened me, though, was how everyone knows of Mt. Rushmore (and it IS truly awesome!), but most DON'T know of Crazy Horse and it is even more impressive, both in scope and in story.

Would you believe that all four faces on Mt. Rushmore can fit INTO the head, face (and to be completed hair) of Crazy Horse, which happens to be the world's largest mountain sculpture?? When it is finished, which probably won't be in my lifetime, the carving will be a likeness of the Indian hero, on his stallion, all the way down to his waist, long hair flying back in the wind. This sculpture is to honor the culture and tradition of ALL the North American Indians, past, present and future and, IMHO, should be as well known and visited as Mt. Rushmore!

A Polish American sculpturer, Korczak Ziolkowski, was asked by a Lakota Chief, Henry Standing Bear, to design and make a mountainside sculpture to honor this Indian hero and said, "My fellow chiefs and I would like the white man to know that the red man has great heroes, also." (1939).

The Indians had been forced off their land and onto reservations, but Crazy Horse refused to live on a reservation. When a white trader asked him, mockingly, "So where are your lands now?" [that you have been forced off] ,Crazy Horse replied, "My lands are where my dead lie buried." Therefore, the sculpture has him pointing, with arm outstretched and index finger pointing to such lands. (Just to show you how large this sculpture is, when the arm is finished, 4000 people will be able to stand on it!! Ooohhh, how I want to be able to see it before I die!!)

Crazy Horse was tragically bayoneted by an American soldier, at the age of 34, while visiting the soldiers under a flag of truce! These are my tears of sadness. But seeing this incredible monument built to him and to all Native Americans brings tears of joy to my eyes, too.

The sculpturer (who is a hero on his own, but that's a whole other story! Amazing!) not only designed the sculpture, but an Indian University and medical training center in the same area! Go onto www.crazyhorsememorial.org to learn more and to contribute, if you wish, since no government funds are accepted. It is all private enterprise. The more money they receive, the faster they can finish!