WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM A 9 YEAR OLD!

   I saw a story this morning on CBS Sunday Morning about a young boy from Denton,  born 17 weeks early, 9 years ago, who is  now slowly going blind.  His parents are trying to fulfill all his wishes as to what he would like to see before he totally loses his eyesight.  Can you even imagine being not only Ben, as tragic as that is, but his parents, watching your son slowly lose his ability to see the blue sky, the sunset or sunrise, trees, flowers, rainbows, other children, animals, friends, yourself, just so many, many things, but most unfortunate, never to see you, his parents, and his siblings ever again?!
    What really breaks my heart is that they showed him today, practicing being totally blind, walking with a stick, learning how to manuever his soon to be new world.  And then it hit me.  Ben (and his parents) are TOTALLY living in the present, making daily memories with precision like focus, because they KNOW that their time is limited, to be able to do this much longer.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all take a huge lesson from Ben and realize how important it is and how lucky we are, to be able to really, really SEE and experience our world,  every little trivial thing, because we never THINK that there will come a time that we won't be able to.   You don't need to go to Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis or to the Grand Canyon and everything else in between, as Ben's family has done.   Just live your life with mindfulness- know what you're doing while you're doing it.  Don't wait to look back at your life as an afterthought and think, "Why didn't I realize how good I had it at the time?"   And don't wait until that dreaded diagnosis or other tragedy before you say (I hear this all too often), "This really helped me get my priorities straight."  Do it now.  Do it while you still can.  Do it for Ben.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH DEMENTIA

     My 91 year old, beautiful mother, has dementia.  She has her good days and bad, but, for the most part, she's holding her own.  She still knows all of us "kids," as well as her husband of 73 years, my 96 year old dad!
     Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least.  However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either.  There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this.    One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids.  For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say  hi, and then go back to watching golf!  My mother did all the talking.  He couldn't be bothered.  Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking.  What a change this has been, for all of us.   Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better!  We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!!  This has NEVER happened before now!!  He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too!  Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm!  What a different man he has become these last few years!  How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments.  I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today.  Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now!  What a blessing!!
     Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings.  Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide.   So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day!   He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!"  She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!!   And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
    One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease.  While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse.  Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme.  They are fully present to the present.   We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present!   What a shame!  Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music.  Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs!  They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen.  Their minds aren't somewhere else.  Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy.   And that is a marvelous thing.
    In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them.  More than that, we think there is no communication without words."  So not true.  Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself.  I have.
   

PAUSING AND REWINDING MY LIFE

    Two of my favorite and most often used "inventions" in the past few years have been the rewind and pause buttons on my TV remote!  In fact, I push those two buttons so much that I actually think I'm getting arthritis in my right index finger!!
    It used to be, way back when,  that I could watch my favorite TV shows, while also needlepointing, reading the paper, writing a letter, etc. because we watched TV in real time and with lots of commercials.  Now, we can record everything and watch when we want, with the added bonus of fast forwarding through commercials.  You'd think that that would mean I would shorten my viewing time, but instead, it takes me just as long to watch an hour show, as when I used to have to sit through the commercials!      Why is that, you might be asking?  Because I have to see every little detail!  If I like what a character is saying, I have to rewind and hear it again; if I'm watching the pro, dancing on Dancing with the Stars, then I have to rewind and then watch his/her partner dance; if I look at the expression on one person's face, then I have to rewind and watch the other person's expression, etc. etc.
    I have self analyzed this phenomenon and come up with the conclusion that I am just a detailed oriented person.  I don't want to miss a single thing!  And because my brain and my eyes can't pick up every detail at one time (whose does?!), I have my trusty remote to do it for me!
    As I was thinking about this, it struck me that the same principle of pause and rewind could be applied to life.  Obviously, we can't rewind (if only!), but we can definitely pause:  pause when we are engaged in conversation so that we really take in what the other person is saying, before we respond (often) too quickly; pause when we hear or see an ambulance and say a prayer that that person will be alright, rather than be bothered that the ambulance is holding up traffic;  pause to hear the sounds of the world all around us;  pause to soak in the sunlight, to gaze upon the stars,  or to watch the rain fall quietly; pause to live in the moment, without regretting the past or fearing the future, just to live right now.  Unfortunately, pausing and taking life in isn't natural for most of us.  We rush through our busy days, missing out on so many of the small, but important, details that are all around us.  What a shame.
    The next time you go to hit the pause button on your remote, think about pausing right then and there to sit still, look around you and be present.  The world will wait.

THE TRAIN OF LIFE

At birth, we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.  However, at some station, our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.  As time goes by, other people will board the train, and they will be significant, i.e., our siblings, friends, children and even the love of your life.  Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.  Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats.  This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes and farewells.  Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is:  We do not know at which station we, ourselves, will step down.  So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive and offer the best of who we are.  It is important to do this, because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty, we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life.  Reap success and give lots of love.  More importantly, thank G-d for the journey.  Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.

I don’t know who the author is, but I echo these sentiments, exactly!

Jo-Ann

IF THERE HAS TO BE DIVORCE....

    I was married for 30 years to a wonderful man.  We had two incredible children that have grown up to become even more amazing adults.   They have done us proud.  For reasons that will remain private, we divorced.  The first year or two post divorce was tricky.  Feelings were hurt, new people came into our lives and we were both trying to feel our way.  Our kids, altho both in their 20's, were also struggling with the new arrangements.  Divorce is never easy on kids, no matter how old they are.  They tried so hard to make sure that the time they spent with each of their parents was exactly 50/50.   How difficult that must have been for them!
   But here we are, 13 years out, and my "once upon a time husband" and I are still very much in each other's lives.  We both decided, from the get-go, that we were not going to drag each other through the mud.   That meant, we were not going to say anything negative about the other to our adult children.  To this day, we have kept that promise.  And because of that, we are still that core family that we were when he and I were married.  Both of us have had other long term relationships and a marriage, but our significant  others have had to learn that the original bond that brought my ex and I together is a bond too strong to ever break.  We were in our 20's when we met and married.  We grew up together.  And we will grow old together, only in a different way than we originally planned.
    It's difficult for me to understand how some people are so bitter when they divorce that they spend years  trying to destroy their former spouse, either financially or emotionally.  Why?  Who's to gain from that?  Even in my own family, I have seen this happen.  It's such a waste of life!  Usually, it's the one who is hanging onto the bitterness and resentment is the one who is suffering, not the other one who has, most likely, moved on with his/her own life.    Life happens, not always the way we planned.  We cannot control events, but we CAN change or control how we react to those events.  It's a choice.
    "Divorce and death do not END relationships; they CHANGE relationships."  (Harold Ivan Smith)  My ex and I have made the conscious decision to stay in each others'  lives until death do us part.  After all, that's what we promised one another so many years ago.  I wish the same for all of you who are divorced or are thinking of divorce.  I know this may be an impossibility in some cases,  and for legitimate reasons, but,  IF it is at all possible, your kids will be forever grateful that you both made this choice to remain friends, or, at the very least, friendly.
 

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

   I really try hard not to set my expectations too high for people, because I know full well that that is just setting myself up for disappointment.   I honestly feel that I have realistic expectations, most of the time.  However, lately,  I seem to have experienced an unusual amount of disappointment in the behavior of those to whom  I have always felt close.  I struggle with the choice of either being honest with my feelings and telling them or just letting these experiences go, and the friendships, with it.
    Women get very emotionally involved in relationships, whether they be with their hairdressers, husbands or gal pals.  It's easy for a guy to say, "If you don't like your haircut, then just don't go back!" while a woman will say, "But I've been going to her/him for years!  It's not that easy!"
    So, you can imagine if you've been friends with someone or with a group of friends for a very long time- your kids were all practically raised together- and you find that, lately, everytime you talk to them, you feel more upset and anxious than happy and emotionally fulfilled.  I  am well aware that certain friends meet certain needs and no ONE person can meet any ONE person's needs, but when even those few needs aren't met anymore, and it's only history that is holding the friendship together, you know, in your heart, it's time to let go and move on.  These friends may have been a huge part of your past, but that doesn't mean that they should be a huge part of your future, especially if they cause you angst in the present.
   When we are going through a difficult time or have experienced grief in one form or another, that is when we tend to really rely on our friends to be there for us.  Too often, they are not.  I have heard so many times from grievers that they really found out who their friends were (and were not) when they were suffering.  Little did they know, or expect, that they would not only be grieving their primary loss (death, divorce, etc.) but a secondary loss of their support system.  A double whammy.
    This type of grief doesn't get much recognition, because there are always other potential friends to fill the void, but it's still a loss when a longtime connection is lost.  It's so much easier to just let the friendships dissolve, and disappear from each others' lives than to sit down and honestly say to one another, " We both see that our friendship is not what it was.  Let's wish each other well, be grateful for the past times that we shared and acknowledge that our futures will be in different directions."  As painful as this discussion might be, it would be a wonderful parting gift, to each.
    People change, friendships change, situations change.  It's all a part of life.  No matter what your age, the loss of a friend or friends can hit you differently, depending on the stage of life you're in.  My own parents, who are both in their 90's,  have lost so many friends, through death and illness.  My parents were always such social creatures, from when I was a child onward, that these losses have been especially difficult for them.  My dad even said to me not too long ago, "Sometimes, you can live too long."  I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have outlived all your siblings and most of your friends!  My parents are surrounded by family, now that they have moved back to Ohio, but my Dad has made it abundantly clear that he regrets having left behind the remaining couple of friends with whom they shared their daily routines (playing cards, dining out, etc.)
    For my parents, the good that has come out of this kind of grief is that they now see two of my siblings everyday and have reignited many old friendships from my childhood.  For me, I have added some wonderful new friendships to my life.  It's all good.  But it's still important for us all to realize that the loss of friendships is a legitimate loss, too, and should be grieved as such....hopefully with the help of other friends.
 

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS

In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin's character said this:
"You'll always have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."