CAN YOU WALK IN THEIR SHOES?

We have a great fear of getting old in our society.  We seem to worship at the altar of youth and beauty.  What a pity.  The old have so much to tell us and yet we don't want to hear it. If we're lucky, we'll all be old one day.  Remember this the next time you encounter an older person.
 "I know what it's like to be young, but you don't know what it's like to be old."  Anonymous

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO GRIEVE!

In our society, we are expected to "get over it and move on," when we are grieving.  How often do you hear people or yourself say, "Gosh.  It's been 3 months.  Shouldn't he/she be over this by now?"  The short answer is NO!  It takes as long as it takes!
"Don't let anyone take your grief away from you.  You deserve it, and you must have it.  If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until it was healed.  If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run in a marathon next week.  Grief is a major wound.  It does not heal overnight.  You must have time and the crutches until you can heal."  Doug Manning (who wrote the book, DON'T TAKE MY GRIEF AWAY).

SAME LOSS, DIFFERENT OUTLOOKS

Oops!  I didn't even realize that I had forgotten to post yesterday, so today's post is extra long, you lucky duckies you!
Think about this:  you're inside your home, looking outside at new snow falling- lots of it!  You might say to yourself," Oh crap!  It's going to be a mess to drive in!"  OR  you might say, "Look how beautiful it is!  Looks like a picture postcard!"  Same event, different attitude.
The same  holds true of loss.  I have two examples.  The first:  When Princess Diana was getting a divorce, Sir Robert Fellowes, the Queen's private secretary said to Diana:  "I wanted to ring just to say good luck for this difficult day ahead.  It is a tragic end to a wonderful story." Lady Diana's response: "Oh no!  It's the beginning of a new chapter.  And remember, Robert, I do still love my husband.  That will never change."  Look how she CHOSE to interpret her loss!
Another example is with Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter.  After Mr. Carter's defeat in 1980, he said, "Once I was convinced, correctly or not, that we had done our best, then it was easier to move on to other things."  Mrs. Carter said, "We had done all we could, and somehow, it had not been enough."
It's up to you to decide your own path.

WHO NEEDS WORDS?

I often hear people say, "I just don't know what to say (to grievers)."  Sometimes, in fact more often than not, a touch or a hug is more important than any words that could be spoken.  Robert Foster, was a Secret Service agent walking alongside the car in which Caroline Kennedy was riding during her father's funeral procession. He has said,
"I couldn't take away her pain, but for a mile and a half, I could share it with her."

KEEP THE DECEASED ALIVE!

Often, I hear (well meaning) people who are fearful of bringing up the name of the deceased, for fear that that will make the survivors sad. Want to know what REALLY makes the survivors sad?  It's when people DON'T mention their loved one's name!  No one wants to be forgotten!  "People aren't dead until you stop saying their name and stop telling stories about them."  Harold Ivan Smith.

CLOSURE, SCHMOSURE!

Eliminate the word "closure" when you're talking to people who are grieving.  "You close on a house.  You don't close on a death."  Said by Peggy Broxterman, whose son died in the Oklahoma City bombing.

ONE QUOTE A DAY

My photographer daughter used to do something really unique and creative.  No matter where she was in the world, she would always take one polaroid a day!  So, I am taking an idea from her and instead of photos, I am posting one quote or one idea a day.   As a grief educator for over 25 years, I have attended (and still do, especially now that I can access them online!) more seminars and conferences than I can count!  I have always been frustrated that I have so much material at my fingertips, but no where to dispense it.......until now!  I have not been very good at keeping up with my blog on a regular basis, so I thought just writing one quote or idea a day would be manageable for me and probably more interesting for anyone who happens to read it!  My hope is that my followers will actually look forward to my daily quotes, because they will be able to apply them to their own lives and they will be the richer for it.  So here goes!  The one for today- January 3, 2011- and by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!
"If I haven't TOLD you what I'm feeling, you DON'T KNOW what I'm feeling!" by Sue Chance.  Don't say to someone, "I know exactly what you're feeling, " because you don't!!
See you back here tomorrow!