SOME INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

The following are terms we use all the time, but I'll bet you rarely stop to think what they really mean or how they came about:
1.  Bereavement means "robbed of."
2.  "Wakes" comes from a time when people stayed AWAKE to watch over bodies for 3 days to make sure they were dead.
3.  Long ago, people used to always die at home (a wonderful concept, by the way!)  The dead bodies were layed out in the parlor.  However, they were eventually removed from the parlor, so that homes would be for the LIVING, thus "the living room."

MORRIE SCHWARTZ (TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE)

This story that dear Morrie once told is self-explanatory:
"There's this little wave, this he-wave, who's bobbing up and down, off the shore, bobbing up and down on the ocean, having a great time, and all of a sudden he recognizes he's going to crash into the shore..... and he'll get annihilated.  And he gets so despairing, 'My G-d, what's going to happen to me?'  and he's got this sour, despairing look on his face.  Along comes a female wave, bobbing up and down, having a great time.  And the female wave says to the male wave, 'Why are you so depressed?' The male says, 'You don't understand.  You're going to crash into the shore and you'll be nothing.'  She says, 'You don't understand.  You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.' "

OUR TOWN

I will bet that most of you reading this are familiar with Thornton Wilder's play, OUR TOWN.  I love this play, because the message is so powerful.  (I equate it to the message relayed in one of my favorite movies- MEET JOE BLACK.)  In this play, the dead Emily comes back to her old life, unseen to the living, to revisit an "unimportant" day in her life.  She watches her younger self and her family going about their business, unaware that it's a perfect day and will not last.  The fact that they don't know what they have while they have it, overwhelms her with sadness and as she turns to return to her grave, she says through her tears:
"Good- by, Good-by world.  Good-by, Grover's Corners.  Mama and Papa.  Good-by to clocks ticking......and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and coffee.  And new-ironed dresses and hot baths.....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.  DO ANY HUMAN BEINGS EVER REALIZE LIFE WHILE THEY LIVE IT?"

MY EPIPHANY

Yesterday, my significant other and I attended the funeral of a woman we didn't know.  We were there to show support for the deceased's brother and sister-in-law, who are good friends of ours.  Invariably, I come away from funerals sad, but not for the "normal" reasons, and this was no exception.  I learned so much about Bobbie (her name), during the funeral, that I sat there, wishing I had known these things while she was still alive!  What an amazing woman she was!  As the pastor said, "She loved completely, was completely loved and had such a good time."
   Apparently, she resembled the famous chef, Paula Deen, both in looks and personality.  She strongly believed in hugs, laughter and grabbing life by the tail, even when she was battling cancer!  Her sister-in-law told us that there were 4 men in her life that were her everything:  her husband of 41 years, two grown sons and her brother (our friend).  How I would have loved to have known her!  Therein lies my epiphany.
   I knew she had been very ill, and probably wasn't going to live much longer, but I never thought to ask her brother WHAT WAS SHE LIKE!?  We talked about her illness and her valiant battle, but I realized, during the funeral, that there was so much more to her than that!  Therefore, the lesson I learned and the one I hope I can impart to all of you is when you know someone is ill or dying, ask the loved ones of that person to tell you stories about that person.  Allow them to laugh and cry with you when they share anecdotes and memories.  It will not only make them feel good that you're interested, but it will make YOU a richer person for having "known" them.

HUMUHUMU

This term is Hawaiian for "fitting the pieces together."  It's a perfect term for grievers.  They feel that their lives have broken into so many itty, bitty pieces and they struggle with trying to put them all back together.  My favorite educator, Harold Ivan Smith says, "Grief is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, while the picture on the lid of the box is peeled off."

BUYING A CASKET

We spend alot of money on caskets, because we want our loved ones to know how much we loved them.  But how realistic is that way of thinking?  In essence,aren't we talking "dust to dust?"  I love how my favorite grief educator puts it:
"Don't choose an expensive casket. The dead will be just as dead in a cheaper one than in an expensive one.  You will only be looking at the casket for 72 hours."  Harold Ivan Smith, Ed.S, D.Min.

HOW TO RELATE TO A DYING PERSON

So often, if a loved one is dying, we feel that we are doing him/her a favor by not talking about his/her impending death.  If the patient asks, "Am I dying?", a natural response from a loved one might be, "Of course not!  Don't be ridiculous!" And then the loved one will change the subject. But that response prevents the dying person from tying up loose ends, mending broken relationships or saying things  he/she might want to say.  It's so important to take the patient's lead in discussing death.  If he/she wants to talk about it, by all means, grant him/her the opportunity!
"Not talking about death to a dying patient is like not talking about birth to a pregnant woman."