SAME LOSS, DIFFERENT OUTLOOKS

Oops!  I didn't even realize that I had forgotten to post yesterday, so today's post is extra long, you lucky duckies you!
Think about this:  you're inside your home, looking outside at new snow falling- lots of it!  You might say to yourself," Oh crap!  It's going to be a mess to drive in!"  OR  you might say, "Look how beautiful it is!  Looks like a picture postcard!"  Same event, different attitude.
The same  holds true of loss.  I have two examples.  The first:  When Princess Diana was getting a divorce, Sir Robert Fellowes, the Queen's private secretary said to Diana:  "I wanted to ring just to say good luck for this difficult day ahead.  It is a tragic end to a wonderful story." Lady Diana's response: "Oh no!  It's the beginning of a new chapter.  And remember, Robert, I do still love my husband.  That will never change."  Look how she CHOSE to interpret her loss!
Another example is with Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter.  After Mr. Carter's defeat in 1980, he said, "Once I was convinced, correctly or not, that we had done our best, then it was easier to move on to other things."  Mrs. Carter said, "We had done all we could, and somehow, it had not been enough."
It's up to you to decide your own path.

WHO NEEDS WORDS?

I often hear people say, "I just don't know what to say (to grievers)."  Sometimes, in fact more often than not, a touch or a hug is more important than any words that could be spoken.  Robert Foster, was a Secret Service agent walking alongside the car in which Caroline Kennedy was riding during her father's funeral procession. He has said,
"I couldn't take away her pain, but for a mile and a half, I could share it with her."

KEEP THE DECEASED ALIVE!

Often, I hear (well meaning) people who are fearful of bringing up the name of the deceased, for fear that that will make the survivors sad. Want to know what REALLY makes the survivors sad?  It's when people DON'T mention their loved one's name!  No one wants to be forgotten!  "People aren't dead until you stop saying their name and stop telling stories about them."  Harold Ivan Smith.

CLOSURE, SCHMOSURE!

Eliminate the word "closure" when you're talking to people who are grieving.  "You close on a house.  You don't close on a death."  Said by Peggy Broxterman, whose son died in the Oklahoma City bombing.

ONE QUOTE A DAY

My photographer daughter used to do something really unique and creative.  No matter where she was in the world, she would always take one polaroid a day!  So, I am taking an idea from her and instead of photos, I am posting one quote or one idea a day.   As a grief educator for over 25 years, I have attended (and still do, especially now that I can access them online!) more seminars and conferences than I can count!  I have always been frustrated that I have so much material at my fingertips, but no where to dispense it.......until now!  I have not been very good at keeping up with my blog on a regular basis, so I thought just writing one quote or idea a day would be manageable for me and probably more interesting for anyone who happens to read it!  My hope is that my followers will actually look forward to my daily quotes, because they will be able to apply them to their own lives and they will be the richer for it.  So here goes!  The one for today- January 3, 2011- and by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!
"If I haven't TOLD you what I'm feeling, you DON'T KNOW what I'm feeling!" by Sue Chance.  Don't say to someone, "I know exactly what you're feeling, " because you don't!!
See you back here tomorrow!

FARE THEE WELL, ELIZABETH EDWARDS

    I was watching the national evening news the night that Elizabeth Edwards died. Diane Sawyer read some quotes that were so beautiful that I jumped up and got a pen and paper to write them all down.  As a bereavement specialist, these really hit home with me.  I hope they will with everyone who happens to read this blog, also.
   In her own voice, Ms. Edwards quoted lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song, called Anthem.  She never wallowed in her misfortune, but always looked at the glass half full.  She knew she still had so much to live for and she was determined to do so.
"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything.
That's  how the light gets in."
   This second quote is a great one for all of us to remember.  I know that when a loved one has died, people are reticent to talk about that person, for fear that it will make the griever tearful; therefore, they never mention the deceased.  Elizabeth says (from experience, since her son died at 16), "To not bring up the deceased, because you think it will make someone sad, know that they [the griever] didn't forget they died.  You are not reminding them.  You ARE reminding them that they lived and that is a great, great gift."  And at this time of year, when so much {undue} emphasis is on gift giving, what easier and more poignant gift to give than that of remembering that someone lived and will not be forgotten?!
  Last, but not least, Elizabeth talked about leaving her children:  "I do know when they are older and telling their children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way-and it surely has not!- she adjusted her sails."
  Rest in peace, Elizabeth.

HOME SWEET HOME IS WHERE? PART DEUX

   So, my previous blog had to do with adult kids and where they considered home to be, once they flew the coop.  Although I had no intention of continuing this topic, it kind of grew on its' own and spawned a second look at the topic- not so much for young adults, but for us, their parents and even our parents!
   I attended a niece's baby shower last weekend and her mother and aunts and I gathered in the kitchen, talking about this subject.  I asked them where they considered home to be?  One aunt said, altho she has lived in several different cities for long periods of time, she considered the city in Oklahoma, where she grew up and where her PARENTS STILL LIVE, to be her home.
   Interesting.  I said that I considered Texas to be my home, because this is where I RAISED MY KIDS, as well as the fact that I'VE LIVED LONGER in Texas than I have in Ohio.  Although I still have siblings that live in Ohio, my parents moved to Florida over 20 years ago, so going back to Ohio with my parents living elsewhere feels a bit strange. However, my roots are definitely in Ohio and from those roots, I spread my wings and flew away.
   In fact, it hit me the other day how much my adopted home has become home sweet home.  I was ordering personalized license plates and I was going to use BUCKEYE. But then, when the picture popped up on the screen to show me what they would look like, I saw how BUCKEYE was directly underneath TEXAS!  That didn't make sense to me!  A Texas Buckeye????  What the hey?  Not only that, but I had the strangest feeling that some Texans would look at that and say, "If you like Ohio so much, what are you doing here??"  Texans are a proud bunch, let me tell ya!  But, seriously, isn't that funny that those two thoughts would even cross my mind?  I chose something else!
   My significant other is from West Texas and IMHO, is a real Cowboy!  His boots and jeans are as much a part of him as his charming Texas drawl (example- he says ahl for oil!  How cute is that??)  I loved watching westerns growing up in Ohio (of all places!), which is quite funny, now that I am with a true Texan who can't get enough of his westerns!
   I never listened to country western music until he and I started dating and now that's all I listen to on the radio!  On one of our early dates, he was taking me to the rodeo and I had something else on the radio. He leaned over to change the channel and said, "You have to listen to country music if you're going to a rodeo!"  Ha!  At the time, I didn't know one country artist from another, and now, I'm the one planted in front of the TV to watch the CW awards, not him!
   Oh, geez, enough about me!  I digress!  OK, so obviously, Texas is home to me, but before I got sidetracked, I mentioned that my parents had moved to Florida. That got me wondering:  I wonder where THEY call home?  Thank G-d they're still alive and well, so I was able to satisfy my curiosity right then and there!  My dad immediately responded, "Here!" meaning Florida, because "I'VE LIVED HERE FOR 23 YEARS." (However, he lived in Ohio the first 60 plus years of his life!) But he is definitely home when he pulls into his garage and sees his own fancy golf cart parked in front of him.  He once told me that moving there, makes him feel like he's at summer camp!
  Then, I posed the same question to my mom.  She said "Ohio, because THAT IS WHERE I GREW UP."  So, where she calls home is where she lived the FIRST part of her life, not where she resides currently.
  Isn't this interesting??  I think it's fascinating to hear the reasons people call home, home!  OK, so then I asked two close friends here in Texas. The first was raised in one city and has lived her adult life in another, both in Texas, and she proclaimed the latter to be her home, "because I DON'T HAVE ANYONE LEFT IN THE CITY WHERE I GREW UP."  The second friend said where she lives now, because "MY KIDS AND GRANDKIDS ARE HERE." (Lucky her!)
   Finally, and then I promise I will stop with this (!), I called my brother, who has lived in Florida for 20 years (in a different city than our folks). His first answer as to where he considered home was Florida, because "THAT'S WHERE I RAISED MY FAMILY."  But then, he said something interesting.  When people ask him where he's from, it brings him to "a fork in the road," because he loved his childhood, his (our) house and his (our) hometown so much that he's torn:  HOME VS. HOMETOWN.  Wow.  Ditto!  Happy, sad tears.
   This is probably boring to alot of you who might read this, but to me, a family educator, it is fascinating.  I would love to continue this little survey of mine.  If you would like to participate in my totally unscientific, anonymous survey,  please comment here or drop me an email at hereforashorttime@sbcglobal.net and tell me where you call home and why?  I would be most appreciative!