WHEN AN EX IS STILL A FRIEND

     I would like to begin this post by explaining what DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF is.  It is a grief for which society doesn't really sanction it as being as recognized or as worthy of support as the more "common" losses are entitled to.  What are some examples?  Couples who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, especially the fathers,  families of prison inmates,  women and their partners who undergo abortions or infertility, suicide survivors and yes, ex-spouses.  Without the support that they are entitled to but don't receive, they grieve in isolation, which only compounds their grief.  Grief is already an isolating experience, because most people feel that they are the only ones who feel this way, whatever that way is, so adding an extra layer of isolation and the picture is not pretty.
    So, now, for the personal stuff.  My ex-husband, David, recently died at the age of 75.  Even though we had been divorced for 18 years, we met when we were seniors in college, were married for 30 years, and had been part of each others' lives for 50 years!  That is my entire adult life!  We made a family together and to many people, surprisingly, we remained that core family of 4 in many ways.  David and I both felt that our kids were our #1 priority and wanted to maintain as much stability as possible, despite our no longer being married.  
    Extended family members knew of our close relationship, as did most of our friends.  In fact, they marveled at it and always talked about how unusual it was!  It was wonderful to still be able to maintain connections with each other's families of origin.  David attended my dad's 100th birthday party, and I attended his mother's 100th!  (Yes!  Weren't we fortunate to have that longevity?!). When he got so sick, I, along with our daughter and his wife, went to every's doctor's appointment together.  We were a team. He always used to joke with the doctors that he brought his posse.  In other words, divorce didn't end our relationship; it only changed it.
   For people who didn't know us well, when I would relay things about my ex-husband, immediately, I would always have to quality by saying, "but we're still good friends!"  You must admit that most people hear the word ex- wife or husband and immediately assume that the relationship is no longer a good one!  Right?  I always chuckled to myself when I had to add that qualifier, but sometimes, it really wasn't funny.  It was also sad, because of society's automatic response to the word, divorce, assuming that the marriage ended badly.  Never assume anything or as the old saying goes, "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me."
   Here's where I would like to do my part in changing assumptions and attitudes that people have to ex spouse grief.  I was talking to Megan Devine, the author of the book I previously promoted and when I told her that I wasn't getting the support that I needed or wanted, she recommended that I just say a good friend died, instead of saying ex-husband. Then, I would automatically get support, (although even friend grief has its' limitations).  Good advice.
   As a bereavement specialist, my mind knows that people just don't know any better.  But as a griever, my heart still breaks that many, NOT ALL, who knew of our close relationship still sent condolences, in the form of food, donations or cards, to David's widow and not to me.  Again, I did receive a few, but in no way, close to the amount that his widow did.  And these were OUR friends!  It's like they had an imaginary limit in their minds,  as to how many condolences they could send out to memorialize one person and if it came down to either his widow or his ex-wife, she was the more legitimate griever.  I was the disenfranchised one.
   I mentioned in my earlier blogpost, I'm on a mission to educate people about grief, so I hope my readers will take this to heart and apply it to those they know who might be grieving, especially the disenfranchised who are socially marginalized.  Stop and think that the ripples in the pond of grief are far reaching, beyond the immediate family, even to very good friends, who just happen to be exes.