"Joy and sorrow are inseparable. Together they come and when one sits alone with you, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."
Kahlil Gibran
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
DON'T BE A VICTIM OF YOUR GRIEF
We love, we lose, we grieve. Most of the time, we are able to heal and move on. That doesn't mean that we "get over it," because there is no such thing! We assimilate the loss into our lives and move forward with our new reality.
Sometimes, though, we are unable to do that, because we become victims of our grief. We feel that by holding onto our grief, we are paying tribute to the person or the relationship that we lost. Not true. We are just being a victim of our pain. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Honor the LOVE, not the pain and not the suffering. Sometimes, we have no control over a divorce, death or other loss, but we DO have complete control over the thinking that follows.
Worden (1982) lists the tasks of grief: accept the loss, experience the pain, adjust to the new environment and then reinvest in the new reality. How long that takes is anyone's guess, because it's different for each and every person. But eventually, we must find our power and release ourselves from the role of victim, because a victim cannot be healed. We must learn to own our reality and our life. Unfortunately, none of us has a time machine, which means we have no choice but to accept reality. It's not easy and it's not fast. But it can be done. Reconnect with intimacy. Choose life.
Sometimes, though, we are unable to do that, because we become victims of our grief. We feel that by holding onto our grief, we are paying tribute to the person or the relationship that we lost. Not true. We are just being a victim of our pain. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Honor the LOVE, not the pain and not the suffering. Sometimes, we have no control over a divorce, death or other loss, but we DO have complete control over the thinking that follows.
Worden (1982) lists the tasks of grief: accept the loss, experience the pain, adjust to the new environment and then reinvest in the new reality. How long that takes is anyone's guess, because it's different for each and every person. But eventually, we must find our power and release ourselves from the role of victim, because a victim cannot be healed. We must learn to own our reality and our life. Unfortunately, none of us has a time machine, which means we have no choice but to accept reality. It's not easy and it's not fast. But it can be done. Reconnect with intimacy. Choose life.
Friday, January 23, 2015
THE PRICE WE PAY
" To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."
Erich Fromm
Erich Fromm
Sunday, November 2, 2014
WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM A 9 YEAR OLD!
I saw a story this morning on CBS Sunday Morning about a young boy from Denton, born 17 weeks early, 9 years ago, who is now slowly going blind. His parents are trying to fulfill all his wishes as to what he would like to see before he totally loses his eyesight. Can you even imagine being not only Ben, as tragic as that is, but his parents, watching your son slowly lose his ability to see the blue sky, the sunset or sunrise, trees, flowers, rainbows, other children, animals, friends, yourself, just so many, many things, but most unfortunate, never to see you, his parents, and his siblings ever again?!
What really breaks my heart is that they showed him today, practicing being totally blind, walking with a stick, learning how to manuever his soon to be new world. And then it hit me. Ben (and his parents) are TOTALLY living in the present, making daily memories with precision like focus, because they KNOW that their time is limited, to be able to do this much longer. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all take a huge lesson from Ben and realize how important it is and how lucky we are, to be able to really, really SEE and experience our world, every little trivial thing, because we never THINK that there will come a time that we won't be able to. You don't need to go to Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis or to the Grand Canyon and everything else in between, as Ben's family has done. Just live your life with mindfulness- know what you're doing while you're doing it. Don't wait to look back at your life as an afterthought and think, "Why didn't I realize how good I had it at the time?" And don't wait until that dreaded diagnosis or other tragedy before you say (I hear this all too often), "This really helped me get my priorities straight." Do it now. Do it while you still can. Do it for Ben.
What really breaks my heart is that they showed him today, practicing being totally blind, walking with a stick, learning how to manuever his soon to be new world. And then it hit me. Ben (and his parents) are TOTALLY living in the present, making daily memories with precision like focus, because they KNOW that their time is limited, to be able to do this much longer. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all take a huge lesson from Ben and realize how important it is and how lucky we are, to be able to really, really SEE and experience our world, every little trivial thing, because we never THINK that there will come a time that we won't be able to. You don't need to go to Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis or to the Grand Canyon and everything else in between, as Ben's family has done. Just live your life with mindfulness- know what you're doing while you're doing it. Don't wait to look back at your life as an afterthought and think, "Why didn't I realize how good I had it at the time?" And don't wait until that dreaded diagnosis or other tragedy before you say (I hear this all too often), "This really helped me get my priorities straight." Do it now. Do it while you still can. Do it for Ben.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH DEMENTIA
My 91 year old, beautiful mother, has dementia. She has her good days and bad, but, for the most part, she's holding her own. She still knows all of us "kids," as well as her husband of 73 years, my 96 year old dad!
Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least. However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either. There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this. One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids. For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say hi, and then go back to watching golf! My mother did all the talking. He couldn't be bothered. Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking. What a change this has been, for all of us. Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better! We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!! This has NEVER happened before now!! He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too! Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm! What a different man he has become these last few years! How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments. I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today. Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now! What a blessing!!
Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings. Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide. So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day! He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!" She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!! And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease. While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse. Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme. They are fully present to the present. We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present! What a shame! Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music. Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs! They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen. Their minds aren't somewhere else. Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy. And that is a marvelous thing.
In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them. More than that, we think there is no communication without words." So not true. Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself. I have.
Neither one of my parents has ever had any real health issues, so this has been a real learning on the job kind of experience, to say the least. However, I wouldn't call it a total tragedy, either. There have been so many unexpected blessings that have come from this. One of the most poignant has been that my dad, who is still in good health, thank G-d!- has taken up the mantle of communicating with us grown kids. For most of my life, it used to be that whenever I called my parents, dad would get on the phone for only a minute or two to say hi, and then go back to watching golf! My mother did all the talking. He couldn't be bothered. Now, and for the past couple of years, Mom would sit by Dad's side, contributing a little bit, but mostly listening, while Dad did all the talking. What a change this has been, for all of us. Combine this with the fact that my dad absolutely LOVES technology, (he's the only one in the family with an iPhone 6!!) so with the advent of Skype, his and my world has forever changed for the better! We Skype every single Sunday (we first text to see if we are both available!) and lately, we've actually had weekly 45-60 minute conversations!!! This has NEVER happened before now!! He tells me how much he always looks forward to our Skype sessions, and I do, too! Sometimes, we're both still in our PJ's, and talking up a storm! What a different man he has become these last few years! How fortunate we are that he "stuck around" for us, and for him, to be able to benefit from these developments. I have even told him that had he died a long time ago, before present technology and before Mom's illness, we kids would have had an entirely different image of him than the one we have of him today. Of course, we have always loved him, but there's so much more to love now! What a blessing!!
Another blessing has been that my parents left Florida and moved back to our hometown, so that they could live in a facility that is close to two of my older siblings. Dad really, really didn't want to have to leave the life that they had established for themselves over 25 years, but he finally gave in to the fact that he couldn't take care of Mom by himself anymore, not even with the help of an aide. So, we set him up in a beautiful apartment that my sibs decorated and they go over there every single day! He used to complain that my sister would never Skype with him (that wasn't her thing), and now, not only does he see her in person on a daily basis, but he refers to her as his "social secretary!" She has always been a take charge person (much to my dismay! ha!), but in this instance, I am forever in her debt, as well as my brother's!! And for my younger brother and myself, who don't live there, this has been such a comfort, to know that our parents are no longer isolated in Florida, (as much as they loved it), but are now surrounded by family!!
One more blessing is the lesson I've learned from observing this dreadful disease. While dementia robs people of so much, it shouldn't be looked upon as only a curse. Yes, their past is obliterated and their future does not exist, but just as is true of young children, the here and now reigns supreme. They are fully present to the present. We, who are healthy, so often mourn the past, fret about the future, and totally miss out on the present! What a shame! Look at the faces of those with Alzheimers or dementia as they listen to music. Alot of the time, they know all the words to the songs! They are so happy to hear the music, to just sit there and listen. Their minds aren't somewhere else. Thirty minutes later, they will have forgotten that this music experience even took place, but for that moment in time when it was happening, they were happy. And that is a marvelous thing.
In the words of British Alzheimer's guru, Tom Kitwood, "We are so focused on words, on the act of talking, that we have forgotten how to communicate without them. More than that, we think there is no communication without words." So not true. Reframe what you think of Alzheimers and dementia and you will see for yourself. I have.
Friday, October 24, 2014
PAUSING AND REWINDING MY LIFE
Two of my favorite and most often used "inventions" in the past few years have been the rewind and pause buttons on my TV remote! In fact, I push those two buttons so much that I actually think I'm getting arthritis in my right index finger!!
It used to be, way back when, that I could watch my favorite TV shows, while also needlepointing, reading the paper, writing a letter, etc. because we watched TV in real time and with lots of commercials. Now, we can record everything and watch when we want, with the added bonus of fast forwarding through commercials. You'd think that that would mean I would shorten my viewing time, but instead, it takes me just as long to watch an hour show, as when I used to have to sit through the commercials! Why is that, you might be asking? Because I have to see every little detail! If I like what a character is saying, I have to rewind and hear it again; if I'm watching the pro, dancing on Dancing with the Stars, then I have to rewind and then watch his/her partner dance; if I look at the expression on one person's face, then I have to rewind and watch the other person's expression, etc. etc.
I have self analyzed this phenomenon and come up with the conclusion that I am just a detailed oriented person. I don't want to miss a single thing! And because my brain and my eyes can't pick up every detail at one time (whose does?!), I have my trusty remote to do it for me!
As I was thinking about this, it struck me that the same principle of pause and rewind could be applied to life. Obviously, we can't rewind (if only!), but we can definitely pause: pause when we are engaged in conversation so that we really take in what the other person is saying, before we respond (often) too quickly; pause when we hear or see an ambulance and say a prayer that that person will be alright, rather than be bothered that the ambulance is holding up traffic; pause to hear the sounds of the world all around us; pause to soak in the sunlight, to gaze upon the stars, or to watch the rain fall quietly; pause to live in the moment, without regretting the past or fearing the future, just to live right now. Unfortunately, pausing and taking life in isn't natural for most of us. We rush through our busy days, missing out on so many of the small, but important, details that are all around us. What a shame.
The next time you go to hit the pause button on your remote, think about pausing right then and there to sit still, look around you and be present. The world will wait.
It used to be, way back when, that I could watch my favorite TV shows, while also needlepointing, reading the paper, writing a letter, etc. because we watched TV in real time and with lots of commercials. Now, we can record everything and watch when we want, with the added bonus of fast forwarding through commercials. You'd think that that would mean I would shorten my viewing time, but instead, it takes me just as long to watch an hour show, as when I used to have to sit through the commercials! Why is that, you might be asking? Because I have to see every little detail! If I like what a character is saying, I have to rewind and hear it again; if I'm watching the pro, dancing on Dancing with the Stars, then I have to rewind and then watch his/her partner dance; if I look at the expression on one person's face, then I have to rewind and watch the other person's expression, etc. etc.
I have self analyzed this phenomenon and come up with the conclusion that I am just a detailed oriented person. I don't want to miss a single thing! And because my brain and my eyes can't pick up every detail at one time (whose does?!), I have my trusty remote to do it for me!
As I was thinking about this, it struck me that the same principle of pause and rewind could be applied to life. Obviously, we can't rewind (if only!), but we can definitely pause: pause when we are engaged in conversation so that we really take in what the other person is saying, before we respond (often) too quickly; pause when we hear or see an ambulance and say a prayer that that person will be alright, rather than be bothered that the ambulance is holding up traffic; pause to hear the sounds of the world all around us; pause to soak in the sunlight, to gaze upon the stars, or to watch the rain fall quietly; pause to live in the moment, without regretting the past or fearing the future, just to live right now. Unfortunately, pausing and taking life in isn't natural for most of us. We rush through our busy days, missing out on so many of the small, but important, details that are all around us. What a shame.
The next time you go to hit the pause button on your remote, think about pausing right then and there to sit still, look around you and be present. The world will wait.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
THE TRAIN OF LIFE
At birth, we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side. However, at some station, our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. As time goes by, other people will board the train, and they will be significant, i.e., our siblings, friends, children and even the love of your life. Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats. This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we, ourselves, will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this, because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty, we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love. More importantly, thank G-d for the journey. Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.
I don’t know who the author is, but I echo these sentiments, exactly!
Jo-Ann
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