A CLASH OF CULTURES

Last night, I was watching a PBS show I had recorded a month ago, called Shunning.  It documented several former members of the Amish community who had left their families to live the "English" life.  Some had returned home, only to leave again.  One man had left and returned seven times, but eventually, left for good.  Others had returned for good.  Obviously, it's a very difficult choice to have to make!
    I have always been fascinated by this particular culture.   What I like most about their way of life is the importance of family.  They live near each other.  No having to get on airplanes and travel across the country to see each other, a few times a year. Sometimes, especially when I am really stressed out, I look at the simplicity of their lives and yearn for an earlier, simpler time- pre cell phones and email- and think that they have the right idea.
   But there are many downsides to growing up Amish.  They are very rule driven- so much so that individuality is looked down upon, because rules have been established for the community way of thinking.  One man asked, when he was younger, why things were the way they were and he was told not to worry about that.  The elders would do the thinking for him.  He was just to follow the rules.  Formal education is stopped at the eighth grade, so that they can work on the family farms.  One of the women portrayed went off to college and got her degree in nursing.  She said that had she been English, her family would have been so proud of her, but not here.  They didn't like it that she had gone off on her own and pursued her own dreams.  In fact, when the teens or young adults leave permanently, they are penalized!  As someone who considers herself a very independent thinker and doer, this would definitely not work well for me!  Mainstream Americans raise their children to be independent, so that they establish their own homes and lives.  Of course, this also has its' disadadvantages in that our kids move away.  Then, as parents get old, they are often left on their own or are put in communities with others their age, who are not family. There are trade offs to every way of life, aren't there?
    One 20 year old woman lived outside the Amish community for seven months, but then went back home for good.  As much as she said she was going to miss TV and radio, she said it was a "profound loss" to leave her family and community.  It was so interesting to watch her bind up her very, very long beautiful hair, tuck it completely under her Amish cap, tied just so (there are rules for that, also!), put back on her dark Amish dress, fastened only with pins and leave one "freer" world for the more restrictive, but familiar one of home.
   Lastly, there was a married man, who was lost in between the two worlds.  Although not born Amish, his family had moved into the Amish community when he was young.  They eventually left it, but he stayed and  married an Amish woman.  That caused a rift between him and his parents, but he eventually left, also.  He said he loved the Amish lifestyle, but he couldn't abide by all of the strict rules, so he was now straddling both worlds.  He lived the Amish lifestyle, OUTside of the Amish community!  He felt like he had one foot in one world and the other, in the other world. How disorienting-and lonely- would that be?  And the worst part was that his mother still felt estranged from him, too.
    What strikes me about the Amish culture is how strong a pull it has on its' family members.  They may leave- even for 25 years or more- but there will always be some part of them that will remain back in their communities, steeped in tradition, rules, security and most of all, family.  We could all learn from each other.

                         WHEN THE TEARS DON'T STOP

"There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

FINDING COMFORT IN SUDDEN DEATH

  SHOCKING  is often the first word that comes to mind when one learns of a death. This really hit home for me last week when a very important friend of my daughter’s, suddenly died.  Kevin, a beautiful soul from Ireland,  wasn’t officially related to our family, but kinda was, in that he dated Jami for 5 years and remained a large force in her life until the day he died.  Because he was important to HER, he was still important to her brother and myself, as we had just spent time with him less than two months ago in NY over Christmas,  laughing, eating, playing games and reminiscing about Texas Thanksgiving fried turkeys!

    Kevin had just returned home to his country and loving family, where he hadn’t been in years.  He was so unbelievably happy and nourished by all the love surrounding him.  And then, suddenly, he was gone!  How could this happen??  Jami was on the first plane to Ireland, where she had been 12 years earlier, with Kevin, thank goodness.  She already knew his family.  She loved them and they, her.  She experienced the customs of the Irish, which, to me, were so comforting to hear and for her, to experience firsthand.   His open casket was right there in his family’s home, where neighbors and friends could come by all day to pay their last respects.  They never referred to “his body,”  when  the funeral home brought him back to the house before burial, but only as, “Kevin will be here at 6:00 PM.”  He was still Kevin, the person, and not a corpse.  How beautiful is that?  Jami said that he lived in a small village, where, at least, 100 people were lined up outside to welcome him.  Inside, neither Jami, nor any family member, left his casket during the day or night. This wake custom comes from the time when people used to stay “awake” to watch over bodies for 3 days to  make sure they were dead.  Unfortunately, here, tho, they already knew that to be true.  They stayed by Kevin’s side so that he wouldn’t be alone.

   Rituals are more important than most people realize.  They publicly acknowledge the rupture, not just to the family, but to the whole community, as so beautifully experienced in Ireland.   In years long ago in our own country, family members died at home.  Children were exposed to death at an early age, so it was not as scary and foreign to them as it is today. They were also comforted, seeing that they were not alone in their grief.  The term, “living room” developed when the dead were then removed from the parlors in homes so that the rooms could then be for the living.

  Mourning, the public expression of grief, has a beginning, middle and end, whereas grief, the private expression, can last a lifetime.  Judaism, also, has beautiful, comforting mourning rituals to let grievers know they are not alone in their grief, such as the 7 day Shiva period, referred to as a “community embrace.”  Even the Kaddish prayer cannot be said alone.  It requires a minyan or a group of 10 people, so that grievers feel the consoling embrace of others.  And yes, as with Kevin, the deceased are never left alone, either, until they are buried.  

As difficult as it is to come to terms with why good people have to die so young, there is a great deal of comfort knowing that, as miserably hurt and alone we feel, that is definitely not the case.  Just as Kevin was surrounded in life with love, he is surrounded in death, also, with love- more than he could ever have imagined!  Rest in peace, dear, sweet Irish lad.

“There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love.”

Carol Staudacher

MY STORY STARTED HERE AND LIVES ON, NO MATTER HOW FAR I ROAM

   Last weekend, I went back in time.........back to the Ohio suburb in which I was not only born, but lived the happiest childhood any child could ever have.  I felt like I was back in the safe cocoon that enveloped me so many years ago.  My younger brother and I both moved away many years ago and have raised our families in different parts of the country, so we are the most sentimental of the four siblings.  When we go back, we are armed with cameras, heading back to our childhood home, elementary and high schools, to capture the images one more time. Our two older siblings still live there, so they don't feel the same pull that we do to travel backwards.  Neither does my friend, whom I've known since I was 5 years old and who used to walk back and forth to school with me everyday.  I asked her if she felt any nostalgia and she shook her head and said, "not really."  You know why?  She still lives in the same home in which she grew up!!  She even has the same phone number! (And I still remember it, which is even more amazing!) How many other people do you know that have done that?  She is the only one that I know!  So, everytime I go back to see her, as soon as I walk into her house, I feel like I'm a kid again!  I love that!
    My best friend from high school and I went out to lunch one day and had a long talk about modern technology and how we both feel it's getting to be too much for us.  While I was out of town, I never even checked my email.  That would be blasphemous to my kids, but to me, it was so liberating!  I just seemed to melt right back into that safe cocoon of home, memories and being surrounded by my best friends and siblings.  They are all healthy, happy and safe.  May it always be so.
    It's a rare occurrence that my siblings and I get to spend quality time together, without our kids or grandkids. This was one of those times.  We stayed up late every night, talking and laughing until tears rolled down our cheeks.  I felt like I was at a sibling slumber party.  What fun!!  Then, we would start out each day, walking together, in the old neighborhood.  We would say, "Such and such lived there.  Whatever happened to them?" Or "I thought our driveway had a much higher incline that that.  How did we sled down it the way we did?"  I think my sister-in-law, a native Floridian, was probably bored out of her mind, but she's been in the family long enough to have been a great sport to listen to our constant reminiscing!
    All in all, those few days put me back to a much simpler time, where friends, family, school and home were my whole world and it was awesome.  Don't get the wrong idea.  I love my adult life, too, especially because my kids are my reason for being (!), but every once in awhile, it's good to go back in time and realize that you are who you are today, because of where you came from.  And I came from a pretty cool place!  Thank you, Mom and Dad!!

SERIOUSLY FOLKS?!

   As I write this, it is the last day of the month of August.  Never again will it be August 31, 2013.  It is still 100 degrees where I live, and although  kids have gone back to school, it still seems like summer.  Well, until I walked into my neighborhood Hobby Lobby store!  I could not believe my eyes!  I was greeted with Halloween witches and goblins, Thanksgiving turkeys and pumpkins and lo and behold, Christmas trees and ornaments!!  Are you kidding me?  And to make matters worse, I went to Costco a week later and was not only met with Christmas trees and wrapping paper but with Christmas music playing!!   Really?  Why??  What is the point of rushing life?!
   I'm a bit superstitious when it comes to planning too far ahead.  I won't even mark the days off my calendar until it's past midnight on that day and is really, truly, the next day;  not even 10 minutes before midnight.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm rushing my life away!  So, when I walked into Hobby Lobby and saw three holidays all rolled into one- two fall holidays and one winter- when it's still summer- I was a bit miffed.
   The crazy thing is, Fall is my very favorite season of all!  You'd think I couldn't wait for all of these displays, but that is not the case.  I want to celebrate Fall when it's Fall, or at least when the calendar has turned to September.  It seems as if the bottom line is money and stores want to make their quotas earlier and earlier every year.  What a shame, because then the holidays become more about that and less about traditions, family, love, togetherness, etc. etc.
   Working in this field of grief, I know that when people are sad and grieving, the holidays only make them feel worse, because they are without their loved ones.  So, altho the stores may think they're doing everyone a favor by starting early, they may be having the opposite effect.  Grievers will now start dreading the holidays when it's still summertime!  How fair is that?!
   We often complain that our lives are too busy and complicated.
Well, we can actually do something about that.  Let's slow down, enjoy each day for what it is, and realize that it will never be here again.  Capture each moment.  Hold it in your hands.  And then let it go so that you can capture the next one and the next one and the one after that.  Life is a series of moments- not days or years. Just moments.  Here.  Now.

"LET'S NOT LOSE TOUCH WITH ONE ANOTHER"!

    Lately, I've been reflecting on how many times this statement has been said to me or I've said it to others.  Alot.  The sad thing is, that the intention is always genuine.  We have strong friendships or relationships with other people that we want to remain strong, but for many reasons, mainly time and distance, those ties unravel.  I find it sad, because I really like all the people with whom I've lost touch.
   I went on a Tauck tour a couple of years ago to the Canadian Rockies.  It was fabulous!  For those of you who don't know what Tauck is, it is a wonderful travel company that puts together the most outstanding tours, with very little effort on your part. Anyway, we met the nicest people, from all over the world, several with whom we vowed to keep in touch.  We did so, with one couple from New York.  Other than that, not one person has emailed, nor I with them.  How sad!  We spent 10 days together, all day, everyday, and I genuinely liked these people.  Blink.  A moment in time.  That's all that was.
  I had a financial advisor for over 10 years that was like a friend to me- both he and his assistant.  I adored these two people.  Then, for various reasons, I had to leave them and go elsewhere.  We promised that we would all stay in touch- no hard feelings.  We tried for awhile, but it couldn't be sustained.  Poof.  Over.
My guy and I recently, mutually, ended our 12 year relationship.  I adore his family and they felt the same way about me.  So, we all vowed to never lose touch with one another, because I was like part of their family.  Our intentions were truly heartfelt.  I also know that lots of things come into play, like allegiances to the true family member and long stretches without seeing each other anymore.  We all want to act as if everything will stay the same.......but it won't......because it can't.  Without alot of effort on everyone's parts, our attachments to one another will die a slow death.  Very sad.
   There are so many kinds of relationships people have with one another, but no matter what kind they are, when they end or wane, they leave a hole in one's heart.  Thank goodness for the memories!  Happy sad tears.

BEAUTY, AGING AND MIDLIFE- PART 2

Another fabulous read for women is a book I found at Anthropologie, called BACKWARDS IN HIGH HEELS by Tania Kindersley and Sarah Vine.  It is an international bestseller, and I can see why! It is such a fun read!  It's irreverant and witty, as it addresses all of the issues we struggle with.  Here is just a sampling: love, food, career, men, health, dressing and shopping, motherhood, age, beauty, sex,  and more.  Because of my previous post on aging, I thought I would quote some of the pearls on that same subject but from this source, beginning with my favorite one:  "The term, 'anti-aging' is one of the more nonsensical of the modern age.  It's like saying anti-breathing or anti-the-planet-turning-on-its'-axis."  I mean, who are we kidding?  We are ALL aging, unless we're dead!
   "There is nothing wrong with beauty itself.....and nothing vain or shallow in wanting to make the best of what you were born with......but no one worth loving is going to care a lick that you look five years younger than your actual age or have no wrinkles.  The ones who love you properly will not give a damn that age is leaving the traces on your face.  What they care about is that you make them laugh so much that their stomach aches with it, and that they can call you up when they are caught in melancholy, and that you make the best chicken soup.  Those are the things which are the true beauty, the one that lasts, the one that means something.  They are the only beauty that actually matters."
   "Think of the old people that you really admire.  The octogenarians you most adore will still have curiosity, enthusiasm and jokes in abundance."  Personally, I am blessed to have three older women in my life whom I love and admire so much.  One is 93, one is 85 and the other is 81 and the word that comes to mind when I think of all of them both is spunk!  They are still grabbing life by the tail, wrinkles and all.  They are what I want to be when I grow up!!