LIVE LIFE!

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die.  Or when.  You can only decide how you're going to live.  Now."
Joan Baez

PEOPLE COME AND THEY GO

In the last week alone, I've had several experiences where people with whom I have had frequent contact over the last few years have gone to places unknown.  No, they didn't die.  They just left the places of employment where I always used to see them.  Maybe because these all happened within such a short span of time, I don't know, but their absences have affected me more than I would have ever imagined they would.  I feel a void that surprises even myself.  They were all only acquaintances, not even friends, but I saw them enough that I really enjoyed their company every time we came into contact with one another.  Here one minute and gone the next.  Isn't that how life is?  Of course it is, but that doesn't lessen this bit of emptiness I feel that I will never see these people again.  I wish them well, wherever their paths may lead them.

MENOPAUSE IS A DRAG, BUT THEN SO IS CANCER!

I think that I've been in menopause for 10 years now.  No kidding!  My grown son even asked me not long ago, "How long does this thing last?  You've been in it a long time!"  Yeah, and it's really getting old (or is that me getting old??)  I will admit that I've been very fortunate in that the main things I've had to contend with have been the night sweats, hot flashes and changing mid-section.  However, for one who has always been in control of how her body looked, by watching my diet and exercising all of my adult life, this last point has been the most difficult to contend with.  Menopause is controlling my body now, not me, and that's not cool.
   Interestingly, I've been reading this wonderful book, called BEAUTY PEARLS FOR CHEMO GIRLS, by Marybeth Maida and Debbie Kiederer (to check out their website, www.beautypearlsforchemogirls.com, click here) and they write about the exact same thing happening when women have to undergo chemotherapy.  They write, "  Through our style in hair and clothing and makeup, we project an essential element of our personal power- the way we want to be seen.  Imagine how hard it is when the cancer strikes, the treatment begins and the carefully cultivated look we've spent our lives developing, suddenly disintegrates."
   Obviously, undergoing chemo is so much worse than enduring menopause, but both entail loss, because both entail change.  Major changes.  I was thrilled when I saw put into words, what I had just been talking about to friends at the gym the other day!  What we project to the world is not vanity, but PERSONAL POWER, and when we lose some of that, it's unsettling.  But as women, we love to share, laugh and cry together and together, we will get through whatever life sends our way.
 

PEARLS OF WISDOM

"Remember the past, cherish the present, imagine the future."
Paul Tacori

CHANGING THE LANGUAGE OF GRIEF

I attended a local grief seminar a couple of months ago and Darcie Sims, a well known presenter in our field, offered us different ways of looking and speaking about grief, that I thought were quite interesting. It might take some effort to change how we normally talk about grief, but it will definitely be more effective and worth the effort.
1.  Instead of using the word, "denial," why not use the word, "postponement?"  Denial imposes judgment, whereas postponement means you're just not ready to deal with it yet.
2. "Acceptance" is a difficult term for any griever.  "Acknowledge" might be easier and more honest.
3. Instead of saying, "We lost him/her," just come right out and say, "He/she died."  It's more to the point and has less a feeling of hopelessness about it.
4. A griever doesn't really "recover."  He/she "heals."
5. Have you ever heard people ask grievers, "When do you think you'll be over it?"  We NEVER get over it!  We "get through" it and move on.
6. As I stated in an earlier column, you close on a house, not on a death.  Instead of the word, "closure," try thinking "reconnection."  Reconnect with life.

NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU "THERE'S NO HOPE!"

You or a loved one might get a horrible diagnosis or be told, after months of treatment, "There's no hope."  If this is the case, change doctors!  Some docs might be skilled with their hands, or be highly intelligent, but if they lack compassion and sensitivity, especially at such a difficult time in your life, then it's important, both physically and psychologically, that you find one that knows how to offer you hope in some small way.
   Deirdre Felton wrote an excellent article in one of my professional magazines on this very topic:  "The most important element [in talking to people at a difficult time in their lives] is to give someone the gift of hope.  There are all kinds: hope for a cure, hope for remission and if that's not in the cards, there is hope that we can take care of your pain. There is hope that relationships can be healed.  There is hope that when the time comes, you will have people around you who will care for you with dignity and compassion."  Surround yourself with people who believe in the power of hope.  Don't let anyone take that power away from you!

WHEN IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO APOLOGIZE

I am a huge believer in people saying, "I'm sorry."  Admitting that we did something wrong or hurtful or any of a number of other scenarios equalizes the playing field.  I love how it makes us all human, imperfect, having faults (and admitting to them), and more importantly, HUMBLE!  However, the one time I truly wish people would NOT say they're sorry is when crying in front of others!  It's like we are embarrassed.... that we are embarrassing ourselves...... and/or embarrassing our audience, however large or small.......so we apologize!!!  I've been watching alot of the tornado coverage on TV from Joplin and my heart just breaks for all the losses, primary and secondary, not to mention the massive devastation all around.  Where once these Midwesterners were just living their normal lives, going to Wal-Mart or to their high school graduation, among other things, now, there IS no Wal-Mart and there IS no high school!  When the survivors tell their stories to the newscasters, the survivors are in shock and absolutely overwhelmed; yet, when they cry (quiet) tears, we hear them apologize to the interviewers and to us, the audience.  "I'm sorry," they say as they try to hide or wipe away their tears.   Sorry???  Your lives have just been turned upside down, both literally and figuratively, and you are apologizing to US for your tears of heartache and sadness, loss and grief?  Please, people, don't apologize and don't be embarrassed for being human!!  The next time YOU start to say, "I'm sorry," when your tears fall down your face, catch yourself.   No words need be spoken.  Your tears say it all.